This video presents a conundrum to me. It attacks the video game industry, which obviously offends me. But it also attacks the social media industry, which fills me with great exuberance. I’m left torn and conflicted, bouncing back and forth between emotions, trying to figure out what my overall reaction is. This does not happen to me. The Gimcracker exists to bust you upside your head with knowledge. It is always my goal to f*** you up with some truth. If you can name what show I just quoted I will friend request you on Facebook and follow you on Twitter immediately. Sike. Watch this video and tell me your reaction. I’d love to hear what you think about it:

Certain things stand the test of time. To name a few: The Beatles, Seinfeld, original Star Wars, and hhhhwhiskey. The question I want to ask, right here, right now, is hhhhwhy? Why do some things stand the test of time no matter how widespread they become, yet other things get real old, real quick? I think it is because of the quality of the product. The more time, energy, and skill that goes into producing something, the longer it will stick around (duh). But what is a concrete sign that something was made with a higher skill level?

The answer is discretion. Too much of anything is not a good thing, and it usually ends up ruining a product. If you put too much of any one ingredient in a recipe, you ruin the recipe. Refer to the previous examples I gave, and you will see that they definitely follow this important guideline because they have been built with intentional discretion. Everyone loves Newman from Seinfeld, but he actually plays a very minor role. This is because the creators wanted you to get excited when you finally did see him, which made people want to watch the show. In a sense, it makes the show sort of feel fresh and always new.

Let’s think about one of the greatest all time video games: Super Mario 3 (on regular NES). Besides the obvious reasons that propel it into greatness, such as ingenuity, great user interface, great graphics (at the time), and memorable music, there is something a little deeper that makes this game stand the test of time, and that is the creators use of discretion. Specifically, the use of “special” elements, such as monsters, levels, and power-ups, that only appear once (or very few times) throughout the game.

The game designers had to spend a great amount of time on each and every individual element in the game. Every creature was conceived, designed, drawn, and animated with loving Nintendo care. So why would the designers go through all that trouble to create a creature, and then only put that creature in one and only one level? The answer to that question speaks to the point I’m trying to make, and that is, when it comes to products that are truly good, it’s not about efficiency, it’s about art. Nintendo execs could have gotten more bang for their buck by putting the angry sun from the World 2 sand level in a lot of other levels. Or could they?

Here are 13 examples of things from Mario 3 that only appear once in the entire game.

Sand Level (After World 2-3)

Most of the overworld views in Mario 3 show a series of numbered levels, a fort, a castle, and special places like the spade and mushroom houses. Take a look at the screenshot from World 2. Why didn’t the designers just save themselves some time and use the standard black square template and create another numbered level? Instead they chose to make a special, memorable level, indicated by a sinking sand pit. There are no other levels in the game marked with this image.

Tornado (World 2 Sand Level)

The sand level in World 2 previously mentioned is also home to another rare gem: the tornado! The tornado is a very unique feature because of the way you have to get through it. If you don’t get up enough speed, you will be sucked into the tornado and spun around and dropped back where you started. Very clever obstacle, probably taking designers a fair amount of time to program, and only seen in this one instance.

Pyramid (After World 2-5)

Going along with the Egyptian theme, World 2 also features a level that is indicated by a pyramid, the only pyramid level in the game. The designers went a little crazy with World 2, it appears.

Boat (World 3)

In World 3 the designers totally went off the beaten path in the overworld view. Every other world features a system of moving from level to level on a fixed “track”, but in World 3 you can hop aboard a boat and go anywhere you want! Why did they only use this system of navigating in World 3? It seems like such a deviation from the other worlds that it should at least appear in one other place in the game. But the designers knew that if they used it again, World 3 would lose its unique feel as being the “water world”.

Waterfall (World 4-1)

In World 4-1 you can jump up into a waterfall and begin swimming, and then jump back out the other side when you’re done. Brilliant, and only used once.

Kuribo’s Goomba (World 4-3)

We always called this the “boot” level, because you could knock a goomba out of a mechanical shoe that looked like a boot and steal it from him! Apparently this enemy is officially called Kuribo’s Goomba. Wow, is Nintendo from Japan or something? Anyway, also worth mentioning on this level is the fact that you actually play the level backwards, and then drop down and go back forwards again. This wasn’t worth splitting out into it’s own category because of the fact that there are other levels where you have to back-track to get to the right place, but it’s definitely the only level where you are clearly playing linearly from right to left, and worth mentioning.

Size-Changing Doors (World 4-6)

In World 4-6 the designers introduced the totally new concept of going through a magical door to an almost identically parallel level to the one you were just on, except the enemies are smaller, and some of the power-ups change. Again, the only level in the game with this sort of mechanism.

Spiral Pyramid (World 5 Sky Fort)

Moving along to World 5, we come across a transitional level that takes us into the sky, which is indicated by a spiral-shaped pyramid. It’s the only level that you don’t actually “beat” in the traditional sense. You just go through a pipe at the end and you are suddenly back in the overworld. This is the only level marked with the spiral-shaped pyramid, as well as the only level that you don’t actually “beat”.

Noose Light Bulbs (World 5 Sky Fort)

Inside this sky fort transitional level is a curious thing. In the background of one of the rooms there are two light bulbs hanging down on chains that sort of resemble nooses. Why the designers chose to place these in the background of this specific room of this specific level, we’ll never know. What we do know is that it is the only place in the game that they appear.

Para-Beetles (World 5-6)

You know that really hard level in World 5 where you have to jump on those flying things, which begin to ascend as soon as you land on them? Those are called Para-Beetles, and World 5-6 is the only level in the game where they appear.

Fire-Breathing Nippers (World 7-8)

One of the toughest and most surprising points in the entire game is towards the very end of World 7-8. You are strolling along, having just made it through the bulk of one of the most challenging levels in the game, and you come across two “Nippers”, which is what those little hopping white flowers are called. “Simple,” you say to yourself, “I’ll just jump over – GAH!!!” At that point you die because you realize the flowers SHOOT STREAMS OF FIREBALLS AT YOU. It is the only point in the game where the Nippers are capable of breathing fire. Tricksy little Nintendo designers!

Black & White Level (World 8-2)

I know this one seems like a stretch, but it’s actually pretty interesting if you think about it. World 8-2 is mostly black and white, with the exception of the sinking sand and the enemies. Two questions: 1) Why is this world done in black and white, and 2) Why are there no other levels in black and white? Interesting. One other thing of note: besides the sand level from World 2, this is the only other level to feature the circling Angry Sun.

Laser Beam Gargoyles (World 8 Castle)

I can just see how this one went down.

Designer enters boss’s office
Designer: “Sensei, we are designing Bowser’s castle in Mario 3. How can we make it unique and scary?”
Boss: “Wax on, wax off.”
Designer: “But General Tso, that doesn’t make sense.”
Boss: “Laser beams.”
Designer: “Sensei, you are wise and brilliant. Tokyo noodle sudoku samurai.”
Designer dies an honorable death

Bowser’s castle is the only level in the game with laser-shooting stone gargoyles.

Bowser’s Bricks (World 8 Castle)

At the end of Bowser’s castle there is yet another unique feature: red, breakable bricks that Bowser stomps on. There are no other places in the game that use this mechanism.

It is highly possible I have left out some great examples. If anyone can think of any, please post them in the comments. Also, one of the 13 items above is actually false – there are two of them in the game. I included it to weed out the casual Mario 3 players from the true fans. Do you know which one it is? (I can think of one person who will probably figure out the answer, a particularly tall gentleman from the great state of Iowa).

Honorable Mentions:

Angry Sun (only appears in 2 levels)
Hammer Brother power-up (only available in 2 worlds)
Conveyor Belts (only appear in 2 levels – I might be forgetting one though)
Frozen coins (only appear in 2 levels)
Elevators (only appear in World 7 and once in World 5)
White Flower Levels (only appear in World 7)

Half Life is my absolute favorite game of all time, and Gordon Freeman is the hero in the Half Life franchise. My love for Half Life runs deep, and has for a long time. I found an old blog post of mine from March 2008 with a link at the very bottom to a letter I wrote proclaiming my love for the game. You can see that letter here.

It just goes to show how beloved Gordon Freeman really is in the gaming community when you see him beat out every other hero except for Mario (with your help he’ll even beat Mario!), including such iconic heroes as Link, Mega Man, Samus Aran, Lara Croft, Sonic the Hedgehog, Master Chief, PacMan, Duke Nukem, Yoshi, Kirby, and Donkey Kong. Before facing Mario, Freeman was up against Link, and he SMASHED him 115,698 to 78,980 votes.

The Freeman lives!!! Go here to vote, or use the widget in my blog post!

Let me begin by introducing you to him in a way that will immediately show you what he’s all about. That way you can watch this first video and decide if A) you agree with me and want to find out more by reading the rest of the post and commenting about how much you agree, or B) you don’t agree and you don’t feel like wasting your time. Most bloggers wouldn’t be so courteous as to help you with major Internet decisions like this. TMG’s a little different. A special different.

Gabe is the one with the purple tie, FYI.

Now, switch gears for a moment to a blog called Videogum. How did I end up at this blog? I listen to thesixtyone, which has several songs from a music blog called Stereogum, and from there I saw an ad which read “The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time” written about the movie The Family Stone (I, too, hated that movie). After reading the post I was intrigued as to what Videogum was all about. I read a few more of the Worst Movie posts, agreeing with all of them, and loved how poignant the writing was and how the writer was able to bash a terrible movie in a much more elegant way than I could ever hope to with my insanely popular “beratings”.

I started reading more and more of the blog and eventually ended up subscribing and keeping up with every post (there are at least 10 a day) for the last 3 months. When I realized I was addicted to Videogum, I wanted to know more about the writer(s). There are two: a girl named Lindsay Robertson and a guy named Gabriel Delahaye, who goes by Gabe.

I did some research and found out that he is actually a young, normal looking guy (figured he had to be a troll, great writers usually are for some reason), who is actually really funny on camera as well.

Check out another Gabe video making fun of Details magazine and “man style”:

The only problem I have is that I’m afraid Videogum will not be as funny now that I have a face to put with the name (of the writer). That usually seems to ruin it for me because when you take the mystery away things aren’t as intriguing. Why does that happen? In any case Gabe is such a uniquely funny writer that it makes me want to shut down TGM like when they shut down Treadstone on that Bourne movie and all the lights and computers and servers were linked to the same light switch and it all went dark at once. But don’t worry I won’t do that because it only costs me $10 per year to keep TGM running.

*UPDATE*

This one’s really funny too:

Anyhoo, I know most of the visitors to this blog are looking for pics of Katy Perry or trying to find Ikariam tips, so to the one person that actually reads this post: you should try out this game if you are at all interested in RPGs, turn-based strategies, any type of fantasy, or simply if you’ve ever looked at a really good illustration of a dragon and thought “that’s pretty cool” – even if it was only for a split second until you remembered how dorky all that stuff is. You don’t have to tell anyone you read this, and no one will ever know you tried out the game. You have nothing to lose. It will be our little secret. Then you can go back to your “cool” empty life.

Look at the world view and lust:

“But Gimcracker, what’s this jive about ‘The Wake of Gods’? Is that a whole ‘nuther game?” Nope. It’s an expansion pack for HOMM3. THE expansion pack. It’s the best expansion pack ever made for any game or any thing, ever. It was made by the Russians so you know it’s good. Believe it or not, they still play HOMM3 over there. Especially in the towns where the Innerweb hasn’t been yet. And they thought to themselves, “You know what would make this game even better? Way more creatures, spells, artifacts, maps, skills, and heroes!”

Check out the Rampart town and salivate:

So, if you’ve never touched HOMM3 before, I would suggest buying Heroes III Complete from Amazon. You can get it for $13.50 after shipping and tax. That’s the cost of a CD. Come on, I saw you buy that Train album last year. That proves you can handle thirteen bucks even if it’s for something you’ll never use. And you know you’re tired of the rep grind in WoW. Admit it, your account is only still active because you’re afraid of the scorn of your friends if you quit. I have let that fear go.*

Peek at the battle screen and yearn:

That’s gotta be at least 1024 x 768.

After you play Heroes III Complete for a while and get to know the 7 different town types, you’re ready for the In The Wake of Gods expansion (click on that link, scroll down to “WoG 3.58f FILES” and download the allinon1.zip file. Unzip it, then run the native unpacker that you just unzipped, then run the install file.) Now you’re in for a world of fun. WoG presents you with so many new options that it is impossible to go through them all and understand them unless you’re already a seasoned HOMM3 player.

Feast your eyes on the character screen and crave:

In conclusion, you can go play all your new-fangled Halos and Call of Duties, or you can wait for Starcraft 2 or WOTLK expansion for WoW if you want to, but you know what? One day, when the Interscreens break, you will be stuck with Minesweeper and I’ll still have my HOMM3:WoG running. And then you will feel stupid for not listening to me.

*As soon as WOTLK comes out I am reactivating my account. Let the record show.

This type of custom level requires no manual controlling, and it’s built to beat itself. This sort of reminds me of a sweet Line Rider video.

Speaking of amazing Line Rider videos, here’s one of my favorites with awesome music from Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves, so turn on your speakers!

If you can’t view that version because you don’t have the latest version of Flashplayer, here is the youtube version. Also, check out this guy’s channel – he’s a great artist and level designer: TechDawg’s Youtube Channel.

10 Signs You Play World of Warcraft Too Much

10. You registered for an Agro-Science class because you thought it would help your warrior tank better.

9. You get on vent every day, and it’s not because you’re cold.

8. Your son’s first word was “LF PORT TO SHATT, PAYING 5g – PST!!!”

7. You frequently joke that your headphones give you plus 24 intellect.

6. You got a speeding ticket and told your wife the cop was a spawn camper.

5. You want twin daughters so you can name them Mara and Kara.

4. Your favorite color is purple and you’re straight.

3. Your least favorite day of the whole week isn’t Monday. It’s Tuesday.

2. A guy cut you off in traffic and you glanced down at your dashboard to see what level he was.

Number 1 is R-rated, so don’t read it if you are sensitive to sexual innuendo. Too bad though, cause it’s really funny.

It’s down there ↓

1. You mount your Netherdrake more often than you mount your wife.

I’ve been reminiscing about all the video games I’ve played in my many years of gaming (going on 21 years of conscious gaming). When I think about my favorite video games, three or four immediately come to mind. But when I sit down to write about it and access my mental catalog of titles, I realize that they barely fit in a top 10 favorites list.

It’s not too often that I have 10 favorites of anything. The problem with 10 favorites is it’s like having 10 winners in a race. No one cares that there are 10 winners. We want to know who was absolutely FIRST. The others just make up the first 9 to lose.

I get annoyed when people refuse to have a favorite of something, like how American Idol is secretly your favorite reality prime time TV show but you’re too afraid to admit it. It’s a cop-out when you say you don’t have a true favorite in a category, like how Backstreet Boys is your favorite pop cross-over hip hop all male dancing group but you’re ashamed to say it for some reason.

Not proclaiming your favorite of something is usually due to one (or all) of four possible reasons:

• 1) you are too lazy to put any effort into it
• 2) your opinions are too easily swayed to hold fast to any one thing for too long
• 3) you’re embarassed
• 4) you have trouble committing

That list sounds like it applies to relationships or something. Well take all that nonsense somewhere else because this is The Gimcrack Miscellany and we don’t like talking about things that make us feel vulnerable and/or pathetic.

So why am I saying all this on a top 10 list? Because I’m not talking favorites here, I’m talking ‘most played’ – read the title again. Aha! Yyyyyyyep. I’m not breaking any of my rules because these aren’t necessarily my top 10 favorites just because I played them the most.

Upon further thought, it just so happens that this list corresponds exactly with my top 10 favorites list…

Anyway, the number of hours you log playing a game has nothing to do with whether or not it’s your favorite game. Well, I guess it has to have something to do with it, but how else do you explain the huge numbers behind Tetris, Pacman, and Freecell? Those aren’t anyone’s favorite games, trust me. 85% of wives will say at least one of them is their favorite, but we know they’re lying. Brain Ninjas wins, hands down.

Oh, and one more thing, I realize this is a top 10 list instead of a top 5 list. What’s your point? Ye Old Top Fiver™ is just a marketing tool. It’s not meant to be taken literally – it’s a brand that people trust. Just ask our LOLheads™ or Reference Burst Theory™ divisions.

Honorable Mention

I could have made this a top 101 list, but it would’ve taken me several days and multiple posts to make a list of that caliber. So, before we get to the top 10, here is a list of honorable mentions that I wish I had time to talk about:

25. Donkey Kong Country
24. Scorched Earth
23. Wii Tennis
22. Quake II
21. Unreal
20. Return to Castle Wolfenstein
19. Quake
18. Roller Coaster Tycoon
17. Mario Kart 64
16. The Sims
15. Age of Empires II
14. Galaga
13. GTA Vice City
12. Goldeneye
11. The Dig

Awww, boo hoo – your game didn’t make it into the top 10. Write your own damn blog then. ON WITH THE TOP 10!

10. (tie) – Sim City 2000

This was my introduction to god games. No, not spiritual games. Strategy games. I had played the original Sim City quite a bit, but 2000 vastly improved over the original. There’s real satisfaction in being mayor of a sprawling city and growing it into a bustling metropolis. You have to make sure you carefully plan your placement of the three main zones: industrial, commercial, and residential. And if you want a real challenge, play with disasters enabled.

Reason I played it so much: Lets me be creative. Each time I played it I created a completely unique city, which allowed for a brand new experience every time I loaded it up.

10. (tie) – Descent

This was the first truly free-form FPS. You could go anywhere, on all three axes, in your one-man hovering spaceship of destroytion. Lots of weapons, shallow learning curve, difficult bosses, and a brand new twist on an up and coming video game genre helped me to fall in love with Descent. I remember in 1995 they had a demo of the first 7 levels at Best Buy on the first black-cased computer I had ever seen (it was an Acer). I played through that demo every time I visited a Best Buy and I couldn’t wait until it came out. Descent also provided a level editor, which was the first time I ever created my own maps in a game.

Reason I played it so much: First of its kind. I couldn’t get the same type of gameplay in any other game, so I played Descent. A lot.

9. Mario 3

If you remember The Wizard, you remember the scene at the end where they bust out brand new Super Mario 3 in order to level the playing field. We were all so excited about being able to fly with the tail. I remember it being a major current event in the world, but it was probably just my little world inside the bigger real world. Want to hear something funny? All the hours and hours I spent in front of this game, and I finally beat it 2 weeks ago. No joke.

Reason I played it so much: User Interface. Nintendo is the king of making a game feel fun to play, and this game is flawless.

8. Counter-Strike: Source

Man, that guy is really amazing with the AWP. I hate AWPers.

I really got into this game in college when I started to realize how fun online multi-player games were. Before CS:S, the only online game I had played was Return to Castle Wolfenstein, which whetted my appetite for pwnage (and taught me that word). But CS:S perfected the genre by pitting two teams against each other (terrorists and counter-terrorists) in amazingly detailed and realistic maps. If you’re a terrorist, you either try to plant a bomb in a certain area, or guard your hostages. Alternatively, if you’re a counter-terrorist, you try to prevent the terrorists from planting the bomb (or diffuse it before it goes off), or try to rescue the hostages that the terrorists are guarding. Simple. Brilliant. PWNalicious. That’s going to be my new handle.

Reason I played it so much: Multi-player bliss. I would not be the l337-speaking idiot that I am if it weren’t for CS:S.

7. Doom II

Oooooh snap, those fools got Rick Roll’d.

The game is amazing. Please don’t rent the movie. I will catch flak for saying that, but it’s what I believe and confess. Doom is terrifying and brilliant. I am still scared of the last level. Every year about this time, when the ground is thawing and the trees are budding, I break out the old Doom II CD-ROM and get my killin’ on. I don’t know why I associate that with spring.

This game was made back in the day when every pixel of game art and animation was hand-drawn. It’s sort of like watching an old Star Wars movie where all the models were made by hand and animated with stop-motion photography instead of CGI. I don’t know why, but it’s just more interesting to watch because it seems less manufactured. I’ll get down from my stop-motion soap box and just say that Doom II is largely responsible for the success of the entire computer gaming industry. Thank you, Doom.

Reason I played it so much: Level design. If level design was an art form (and it is), then Sandy Peterson and John Romero would be the Picasso and Van Gogh of… it.

I can’t resist bringing back a little nostalgia with these animated Doom II gifs. You just can’t beat hand-drawn. It’s like hand-made biscuits from scratch.

6. Lords of the Realm II

Sorry, would you believe there are no clips of actual gameplay from this game on youtube? Guess I’ll have to make one myself.

I played this game all through high school. It’s more obscure than a lot of the other entries on this list, and the sequel killed the franchise, so you’ve probably never heard of it. It was my first experience with turn-based strategy games and I grew to love the genre through this game. It is somewhat historical with a geographical setting of Medieval Europe.

Feed your peasants, manage your mines, build up your army, and take over neighboring counties. It is very addictive to see your color sweep across the map as your armies invade your adversaries. I used to sit and play this game for hours with my friends via hotseat. I need to get my hands on it again, I haven’t played it in forever.

Reason I played it so much: Setting. The locations, style, music, and overall feel was very medieval. It made me want to be there more than any other game I’ve played.

5. Dark Forces

Dark Forces really satisfied the gamer AND the Star Wars fan in me. This game was my boy in middle school and was, for a short period, the only thing I loved in the world. I would think about playing Dark Forces as soon as I woke up, while I was at school, and as I was falling asleep. This is one of my favorite games of all time and will always be near and dear to my heart.

It is centered around a very involving plot, and contains a lot of the elements from the original three Star Wars films. What set Dark Forces apart was it’s integration of puzzles and predicaments that you had to solve before you could progress in the level. Some of them were very hard, too. You would often have to look around your environment for clues, switches, and secret entrances. I loved the combination of firepower and brains, and it also made for many many hours of game play.

Reason I played it so much: Level of difficulty. Being angry at a game doesn’t stop me from playing it. It just makes me want to play it more. It’s like the episode of Seinfeld where George is attracted to the masseuse simply because of how much she hates him.

Speaking of Seinfeld, I’d like to pause for a moment and watch a brief, hilarious, completely off topic clip.

4. Wolfenstein 3D

The game that started it all. I played this game when I was a lad of only 8 years – that’s plenty old enough to gun down Hitler in a swastika-filled Nazi fortress. I remember playing this back when it was fun for me just to watch another person play it. My uncle played this game and my brother, cousins, and I would sit there and watch in awe. The first time I put my hands on the mouse and clicked “mouse button 1″ to shoot the gatling gun, I became a bona fide gamer.

Wolfenstein was all about finding secrets. There were no clues as to where they were, you just had to check every single wall and figure out the sequences in which to trigger them. The levels were more labyrinthine than any castle I’ve ever seen. The earliest days of my professional gaming career are filled with memories of long nights spent mapping out the crazy-complicated level structures. Phrases like “Have I been here yet?”, “Where is that one room I was in?”, “I’ll bet no one else has ever found this secret!”, “Why is Hitler in a battle-mech suit?”, “Wait, what genre is this?” are common utterances while making your way through the levels.

Reason I played it so much: It was the only game I possessed at the time. But to only own one game, and that game be this game, was heavenly.

3. World of Warcraft

WoW addiction is not a joke. WoW addiction is not a problem for me though. I do it all the time and I’m not addicted.

Reasons I play it so much: 1) Leveling up and 2) Always new content. The feeling of accomplishment in leveling and building up character skills, reputation, gold, treasures, items, etc. is what makes WoW very addictive. And to know that there is so much content in the game that i’ll never be able to experience it all drives me crazy.

2. Half Life 2

This was going to be number 1 but I thought about it and there is one game that I have put more hours into than this game. We’ll get to that in a second. First, let’s talk about a game that won 35 game of the year awards, has the best plot hands-down of all the games I’ve played (beats most movies as well), introduced a revolutionary physics engine, and has a cliffhanger ending that is so cruel to the player that there’s a 92% chance a baby puppy dies each time someone finishes the game. Remember the end of Super Mario Bros the movie? Worse than that.

Reason I played it so much: Plot. The story has never gotten old to me. I have played all the way through the game and beaten it 15 times so far. I only stopped because the sequel came out.

A little breathing room for the big dog…

1. Heroes of Might and Magic III

Sorry, that video is crappy since it doesn’t show a lot of the gameplay and the sound effects are covered by stupid music, but it’s the only one I could find.

This is the best game ever created. How can you beat giants like WoW, Half Life, and Doom? You don’t need fancy graphics engines, a massive online community/player base, or blood and guts plastered all over everything. Heroes III did it with a simple and creative graphics engine, a dedicated and loyal community/player base, and very minimal blood and guts (hardly any). This game combines some of the best elements listed above. It has a really fun hotseat multi-player feature (or you can do a LAN party if you prefer), an amazingly elegant yet simple level designer program, hand-drawn graphics and animations, leveling up, hundreds of unique creatures, and excellent game balance. There are 7 different worlds to choose from, all with their own set of creatures, structures, schools of magic, spells, heroes, and specialties.

You level up your hero(s) by equipping artifacts and treasures and specializing in specific fields of study, while at the same time commanding your empire of castles, creatures, and mines, so it’s sort of a crossover between an RPG, turn-based strategy, and god game. I still play this game, and it is not only the game I’ve spent the most hours playing, but it’s the game I’ve played the most consistently – almost 10 years of solid Heroes III enjoyment for me. Some of this is thanks to the In The Wake Of Gods add on, which boosts the amount of creatures, items, and towns.

All I need to do now is find my Heroes of Might & Magic III Complete disc. I let someone borrow it a few months ago and I can’t find it. I really want to play it, so if you have it would you please give it back?

10 Games I Wish I Had Played

I’m sure some of you are scratching your heads and asking yourselves why some of the greatest games ever created were not on the list. By the same token, I’m sure some of you are scratching your heads and asking “what is a Doom?” In either case, here are some games that I confess to not having played very much (if at all), and as a gamer I feel it was my responsibility to play them. But I must remind you, I’m only one man. I can’t play every game ever. Or can I…

Warcraft / Warcraft II
Halo / Halo 2
Diablo / Diablo II
Starcraft
The Might & Magic series
Alpha Centauri
The Legend of Zelda series
System Shock 2
TIE Fighter
The Metroid series

There you have it. In the process of writing this post, I went back and found my Lords of the Realm II, Doom Trilogy, and Mech Warrior II discs. I even found an old archived CD of some maps I created many years ago for Heroes of Might & Magic III. I really really feel like gaming nonstop for the next 2 weeks. It’s a good thing my wife’s in Houston or that wouldn’t go over so well

Here are some tips and tricks I’ve figured out in Ikariam that may be of some assistance to you and yours.

How To Start An Alliance

So, you want to be an alliance leader? No you don’t. If that didn’t convince you, then here’s how.

• Change your field of research to Seafaring.
• Research Foreign Cultures.
• Build your Embassy. The first level of your embassy gives you 3 diplomacy points, and each upgrade to the Embassy gives you 1 more point. To get hella points, build embassies in all your towns and get 3 points for each level 1 Embassy you build.
• Click on your Embassy to create your alliance. This requires 3 diplomacy points, not a level 3 Embassy like it says at the top (it’s a misprint).
• Name your alliance and come up with a “handle” or “alliance code” or whatever they call it. This is used to easily identify and list your alliance in the high scores list. So, if you name your alliance My Lil PWNies, your handle might be PWN or PWNY or something that uniquely represents the heart of your alliance.

Just like that, you are an alliance leader. But you’re extremely lonely because your alliance only has one member.

How To Invite People To Your Alliance

This is a little tricker. Growing your alliance requires diplomacy points. If you have, say, 6 diplomacy points, you need to transfer them to your alliance by clicking on your Embassy and selecting the “transfer diplomacy points” link in the left hand column. Each diplomacy point allows you to invite another person to your alliance. The question is, how do you invite them if you don’t speak German?

• Click on the world view and find your friend who should be working but instead is playing Ikariam.
• Click Diplomacy
• You have to select the correct subject. This is where all the confusion in the world of Ikariam exists. If the geniuses at Gameforge.de would simply translate the 20 or so possible words that appear in this drop down list to English, the world would be a much better place. You’re trying to find the one that invites them to your alliance. Sadly, I can’t remember which one it is and I can’t view it in my account since I’m already a member of an alliance.
  

  I realize this is probably the only reason you are still reading this guide, and I’ve failed you. Here’s what I can tell you, it’s not the one that says “Kultur…something…” because that is for a cultural treaty. It’s also not the one that says “Handalsab…something…” because I think that one is for a military treaty.

• Once you send the message, the person has to accept the invitation. All he has to do is click the Accept button in the message you sent him and he’s in!

Now you and your buddy can team up against that guy on your island who doesn’t even have an alliance. What? That guy just joined the #2 ranked alliance and is now ravaging you with his amassing army 6 times a day?

How To Leave Your Alliance Once You Figure Out You Can’t Really Lead One On Your Own

Go to your alliance page and disband your alliance (via the link on the left column). This way, you’ll get your diplomacy points back. If you hand over leadership or quit the alliance, I’m not sure what happens. Do you really want to find out? OK, so now you and your friend are homeless and angry and dirty and ready to get that guy back who’s been abusing you mentally, verbally, and sexually.

How To Join A Top Ranked Alliance

This is the most important step in the game. Capitalizing on other people’s work is what it’s all about. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel, man, just ride the glory of a top ranked alliance so all the other n00bs on your island look at you with fear and trembling. I stock up resources like it’s y2k with the measliest defense you’ve ever seen. And I have not been attacked a single time.

It’s obviously because people see I’m part of something bigger and scarier that will come get you in your sleep if you mess with it. So how do you get into a top ranked alliance?

• Click Highscore at the top of the page
• Click Alliance Highscore in the left column
• Look for an alliance that is ranked in the top 100 and that has an average score of 4000+ points (preferrably).
• Click Write Message under the Actions column next to the alliance you want to apply for.
• Write a very brief message to the diplomat. Just say your name, coords, and rank/points that you currently have. Also, ask him for the URL of the alliance forum. If he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, don’t join the alliance, because an external private forum is crucial to manage alliance communication.
• Go to the forum and look for a post that says Alliance Application or some such jargon. Post a reply with the same information that you sent the diplomat in-game.
• Rinse and repeat for 5 – 10 different alliances. You are probably not going to get into the first few that you choose, but being in an alliance at least in the top 100 is going to guarantee that you don’t get attacked near as much as being in no alliance, or an alliance between you and your best mate ranked in the bottom 100.

Every alliance has an external alliance page (within Ikariam) that is viewable to the public. This usually has forum information on it, as well as other information about the overall goals of the alliance. This page is not accessible in the Highscore section, and the only way I know how to get to it, unfortunately, is to know the coords of a member in the alliance. Once you have the coords, you can go to Island View, click on the player, and then click on their alliance name in the left column.

Good luck finding coords as they’re not publicly posted very often. Ikariam discourages posting of coords in their internal forums, so don’t bother trying to find them there either.

Once the alliance decides to recruit you, they will send you a message and all you have to do his hit the Accept button. Voila, you’re in!

I happen to be in the #1 ranked alliance on Gamma called 300 Spartans. Our alliance leader, Leonidas, also happens to be the #1 ranked player on our server out of 19,931 players. Since I’ve been in the alliance, I’ve had absolutely no problems with any other players, which is probably why I’m currently ranked #275. Just in case you were wondering, that’s inside the top .02 percent.

The best part is, you can do the same thing. Just follow these simple steps and you can ride on the coat tails of other people’s glory, and have a thriving, peaceful civilization that always reminds you of Age of Empires when you first glance at it and then you remember how much better that game was and how you wish it was browser-based so you could play it at work.