I know what you’re thinking: two Seriously?! posts about television networks, back to back? The economy is in bad shape, man, and it affects everyone. Or I watched a little too much TV this week. So, did you happen to catch any of the programming on NBC last night, namely The Office and 30 Rock? If you did, you may now loose the wire around your neck – it’s not worth killing yourself. If you didn’t, I just want you to know that this blog post is not exaggerated – these things actually occurred on this planet in this dimension in this country in my living room.

Apparently it is “Green Week” or something (didn’t know that) and NBC is the most liberally-biased network there is (did know that), which is a very annoying combination. Before I tell you what happened, let me refresh you with our classic TGM political disclaimers. I am neither conservative nor liberal on all matters, and I do not fall into either of the groups in the two one-party system. If NBC was ultra-conservative instead of liberal, and it was like “Gun Week” or something, then I would be equally annoyed. Glad we cleared that up. So, what hoopla went on last night, besides a pot-head scoring 3 TDs against Carolina?

I’ll start with a list of topics in the “hot debate” category that were force-fed down our throats with a big, smug, liberal spoon (probably made out of recycled cardboard):

• Zero carbon footprint (The Office)
• Fluorescent lights (30 Rock)
• Green week (The Office/30 Rock)
• Socialism (The Office)
• Biodegradable objects (The Office)
• Earth-friendly sun tea (30 Rock)
• Homosexuality (The Office/30 Rock)
• How bad aerosols are for the atmosphere (The Office)
• Endangered whales (30 Rock)
• Big corporations are evil (The Office)
• CEOs who spend unnecessary money should be “thrown in jail” (direct quote – The Office)

Seriously, NBC?!

That is just a partial list. I only watched about half of 30 Rock, which equals about 11 minutes, so if you combine that with 22 minutes of The Office, that is a total of 33 minutes of actual shows. You read that list and you start to wonder if there was any actual “show” at all. I guess it’s a testament to NBC’s knack for comedy that the answer to that question is yes, there were actually still quite a few funny moments (although down from the regular average).

My wife pointed this out to me. She noted how we go through each day inundated with ideals, politics, opinions, and controversy. We finally get the chance to sit down at 9 o’clock at night and turn off our brains for a half hour of laughter, and the last thing we want is more ideals and politics, but NBC apparently disagrees. Have you seen SNL recently? It hasn’t always been so political, but nowadays it is probably the most politically-charged, liberal show in the entire world (another NBC show).

I know more than one person who has stopped watching The Office because of how much Micheal Scott reminds them of their own bosses. I have yet to meet someone who has stopped because they can’t stand to hear any more about liberalism. I can tell you right now, I’m not going to be that person who stops. However, if you are that person, and you are strong enough to actually quit, please let me know so I can never accept your challenge in any sort of self-control contest.

For what it’s worth, I am drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee out of a styrofoam cup as I write this, and I promise I will throw it in the styrofoam recycling bin when I’m done – don’t worry.

First of all you may be thinking that I should be happy about the 10 percent of users making up 90 percent of tweets due to my stance on what Twitter should be: a platform for subscribing to interesting/smart/famous people (a small number of total users), instead of for everyone in the world to post pointless tweets. But, the reason this statement is alarming is because the 10 percent should be closer to .10 percent. Think about it, if there are, let’s say, 70 million people on Twitter, 10 percent is 7 million. There aren’t 7 million interesting people on the Earth, let alone on Twitter. .10% of people should be making up 90% of tweets, just like .10% of people should be making up 90% of the music I listen to.

Secondly, the statement about 60 percent of users not returning from one month to the next is very alarming. That means that the majority of users that I come across on Twitter aren’t even there. What’s the use in following them or replying to their tweets if I’m not going to get a response? This number should be closer to 10 percent, not 60. I guess people sign up and then realize that there literally is nothing to do on Twitter.

Finally, here is a segment Conan O’Brien does to bash Twitter. It’s called TwitterTRACKER and it’s hilarious, but it also makes a good case for the argument that Twitter is stupid.

It is a husband’s responsibility to zing his wife back. If he doesn’t, the ensuing relationship is his own fault. However if my wife ever smiled at me as condescendingly as the woman in this commercial I would probably throw up all my lunches from the past 4 days straight into her little bowl of soggy oat rings. It literally makes me gag just watching it. It makes me GOL (that’s a real thing starting now).

Seriously, Multigrain Cheerios?! Do you think men are really this petrified of their wives? Also of note: what kind of slogan is “Because it tastes good”? That’s almost as bad as Rally’s “You gotta eat!”

I’m not a fan of how men are being portrayed on commercials and sitcoms and pretty much anything on TV these days. If men are really this dumb and women are really this insidious, how is anyone getting together? Especially if they’re as ogre-ish as the actors in the Multigrain commercial? As usual, Seinfeld has the answer:

Don’t get me wrong, men are very stupid. I am a very stupid man and I do stupid things every single day. I also witness other men doing stupid things all the time. We don’t do it on purpose (usually), it’s just who we naturally are. But as much as it is in our nature to be stupid, there is one thing that is not in our nature, and that is to be scared of things. And “things” includes women.

My wife and I have been commenting on this phenomenon for years. We will see a commercial with the obligatory scene of a husband and wife about to engage in some banter, and we will frequently predict that the woman is going to be the smart one and the man is going to be the ridiculous idiot who gets no respect from his wife (or his kids – but that’s a different story). My wife is just as sick of this message as me.

But there is hope. Someone out there had the same thoughts as me and decided to go to marketing school and get a job at a big marketing firm so they could make this commercial:

It starts off like all the rest, but then *gasp* the man actually zings the woman back! It just feels so right. Bravo T-Mobile commercial writer! Couples of the world: rise up and bust each others’ chops, starting now!

This post is not anti-AT&T or any other provider. It is simply a factual comparison of prices for various cable/Internet services, which is a pretty hot topic right now. Hotter than your mom.

My Current Setup

It’s been unfortunate in the past how we’ve been forced to choose between cable and satellite for TV service. At least in a lot of cases there are multiple satellite providers to choose from in the same area. There isn’t even a choice with cable; you’re stuck with whatever cable provider is in your area. I have traditionally chosen cable over satellite because I like consolidating my Internet and TV bills, plus there are lots of other reasons I don’t like satellite, like bad/no reception during storms, lag between channel switching, and more equipment to deal with.

That being said, I don’t love my cable service either. Namely, it’s too expensive to get everything I want. NFL network, extended channel lineup, movie channels, DVR… the list goes on. So, after discovering AT&T’s UVerse was available in my area, I was excited to see how much money I was supposed to be able to save. UVerse combines TV, Internet, and voice into one consolidated package, with one consolidated unit acting as a modem and router for your internet. I didn’t need the voice part, but they have great build-your-own packages for just TV & Internet service.

I started doing a side-by-side comparison of UVerse vs. Comcast. With Comcast I currently pay $90 per month for a constant 6Mbps download stream (with 12Mbps “Powerboost” speed bursting for the first 10MB of every file), digital starter cable (lots of channels, but lacking some of the premiums like NatGeo, Military, Science, BBC, and MTV 3 thru 17), 2 tuner DVR, and about 40 or so HD channels.

The UVerse Option

I created the same package on the UVerse website. At first I thought it would be way cheaper, because the corresponding UVerse package – the U100 – appeared to be $84 per month. I would be saving $6 per month by switching to UVerse, plus if I ordered online I could receive a $200 rebate after 2 months. Is that worth learning a new channel line-up, losing all my current DVR recordings on my Comcast box, and taking time off work to come home and meet the AT&T installer? Maybe.

I’ll be honest, I was considering it. That is until I looked a little closer at the U100 package. A crucial piece was missing: no HD channels. That costs an extra $10 per month. Also, no DVR functionality. That’s another $15 per month. After adding in those missing elements, the U100 package came to $109, which is $19 more per month than the same package with Comcast. But even if the whole package was only $84 instead of $109, I still wouldn’t switch due to one very very very important detail.

You cannot split UVerse to multiple TVs without paying a $7 montly charge for each additional TV

That’s right, AT&T sends the signal through the coax line into your house not as a TV signal, but as a data signal. That means if you intercept the signal and try to split it to multiple TVs, it will not work. The signal has to be processed by a digital AT&T box sitting at each TV you want to watch. Right now I am splitting my Comcast cable signal to 4 TVs (some would say that’s too many, but I would answer that they should not judge me because only God can judge me). Why I split it to 4 separate TVs in a 3 bedroom house with no kids is a different story (a very exciting story). And no, there is NOT a TV in my bedroom, as I do not believe in married couples having a TV in their bedroom. Please write me a mean comment if you disagree.

So, if I really want to have the exact same package from UVerse that I currently have with Comcast, the cost is not $84, not even $109, but $123. That is not a good deal! NO DEAL! Is that show still on? Hey, Amazing Race is still on and I watched it 2 days ago. It’s still mediocre.

One more thing. I’ve been thinking of upgrading my channel lineup to include all those aforementioned channels like NatGeo. How much more will that cost with Comcast? $17 per month. That would make my monthly bill $107. The same thing with UVerse is called the U200 package, and after adding all the previously defined necessary additions like HD ‘n such, it comes to $130 per month. The one thing it comes with that Comcast does not is NFL Network. So, adding the $7 monthly charge for NFL Network to my Comcast bill, the total comes to $114 per month, which is still much less than UVerse U200.

If you’ve made it this far into this post I am going to reward you with screenshots of the two different UVerse packages we’ve discussed.

Conclusion

The lesson here is a familiar one, but one that many of us disregard out of laziness. And that is, read the fine print! The big problem in my case was losing the ability to split (albeit maybe illegally) the signal to multiple TVs for free. Like my coworkers who both have and love UVerse, maybe you don’t need this functionality, in which case UVerse might be a good option for you.

Until UVerse gives me the option to split the signal to multiple TVs for free, or until Comcast jacks up my prices (I’m currently on a promotion, but I’ve been on a promotion for the last 5 years because all you have to do is call Comcast and tell them you want the current promotion) I will happily pay my $90 per month for Comcast. Now you know why I don’t have AT&T UVerse (yet).

You know how the taste of something is like 50% based on smell, and communication is like 90% based on your body language? Well I submit that commercials are 100% based on the background music.

The genius ad agencies are the ones that grab your attention. It’s hard to grab peoples’ attention using visuals since most people look away during the commercials, plus the fact that we’re constantly barraged with visuals as we’re watching TV, so our eyes become used to constant stimulus.

It’s different with sound. Say you’re watching football, a sitcom, or a reality show. All you hear is constant cheering & play calling, laugh tracks & stupid jokes, and bitching and moaning, respectively. Then comes a commercial break. Time to go get another bowl of ice cream. But wait, where’s that strange, pleasing music coming from? It’s different than the mindless yakking about Taco Bell’s new spicy Volcano Taco, the liar shouting about the over-stock of Kia Sorento inventory, and the overly dramatic “preview voice guy” telling you how the next episode of Bones will blow your mind. You peer back at the TV in awe, and realize what’s playing is a commercial, but you’re enjoying it.

Has this ever happened to you? If it has, it was most likely one of the following top 5 best uses of music in a commercial (that I can remember):

#5. Geico

Geico has spent tons of money on marketing over the last few years. And I thank them for that. Here is one of the best ads from the Caveman series, and it’s due largely to the song they chose to be playing in the background at the airport terminal. It is hip, sophisticated, and modern – which is exactly how Geico is portraying their cavemen.

The song is Remind Me by Royksopp.

#4. Apple iPod

Apple is, of course, a huge player in the music industry with its giant iTunes + iPod venture. It would only follow that they use great songs in their commercials. It’s almost guaranteed that if you get your song featured in an iPod commercial, your record is going platinum. While the commercials featuring CSS, Feist, Yael Naim, and Chairlift are very pleasing to listen to and watch (what’s with Apple’s infatuation with female singers?), my personal favorite was the ad for the iPod Classic that could play music videos.

The song is Original of the Species by U2

#3. Nike

Nike is all about hype. What hypes you up better than music? People listen to it when they work out, right before they go on stage, or just before a football game. Nike has perfected the hype machine, and it’s never been done so flawlessly as it was done in the commercial just before the 2007 football season. I had never been so hyped for something in all my life. The commercial is poingnant by itself, but the music takes it to an epic level. It gives meaning and truth to the game of football, and it essentially elevates it above life itself. Even if you don’t like football, you will almost certainly become hyped by watching this commercial.

The song is based on The Last of the Mohicans soundtrack by Randy Edelman.

#2. Reese’s

Sometimes a brand name has a complete turn-around simply because of a superb marketing department. Take Hardees for instance. They decided they were going to do something that hadn’t been done before and it kept the company alive. Another good example is Reese’s. Remember the commercials about “how X eats his/her Reese’s cup?” Those went out the window, and Hershey’s ushered in a brand new line of advertisements. Simpler. More profound. And with the coolest music I’ve ever heard in a marketing campaign. I only wish the commercials were longer than 20 seconds so I could hear more of the song. I couldn’t choose just one, so here are my three favorites in order:

The song is Needy Girl by Chromeo

The song is (Feels Like) Heaven by Fiction Factory

The song is The Perfect Meltdown by Bones Domingo.

You can download that last one from the Reese’s website or, in case they take away the free download at some point, directly from my website here.

#1. Gears of War

This is the best use of music in a commercial ever. There is something to be said about the contrast between the soft music and the violent visuals. There are no sound effects or voice-overs present, which lets the music completely stand out on its own. It sets this video game ad apart from the rest because it doesn’t have constant sound effects, heavy metal music, and voice-overs telling you about all the features in the game. You are left wondering about the game, and you’re more likely to go find out more, which is exactly what the creators want you to do. It also doesn’t hurt that this song is one of my personal favorites.

The song is Mad World by Gary Jules

Notice, not one of these commercials has a single spoken word. It proves that you don’t need to blabber about your product to sell it. It doesn’t mean you can’t, it just means that it’s not necessary quite so often.

I also want to point out that Hulu is an amazing site that lets you browse videos very easily without navigating away from the video you’re currently watching. You only have to watch an opening ad about one in four views, and the ones I saw were actually funny (and pretty short). Plus theres a “lower lights” button on the right that makes you feel like you’re viewing from the privacy of your own comfy TV room.

6. The Tangent

5. Tim Calhoun

4. Cubicle Fight

3. The Barry Gibb Talk Show

2. Annuale

1. The Surprise Party

I once personally offended someone by lashing out at them publicly because they sent me a mass email that was completely bullshit and only existed to perpetuate itself. That’s spam, and I don’t want it cluttering up my business email in-box. I’m sorry for hurting this person’s feelings and it’s something I won’t do again, but the point is that I don’t want to have to filter through this crap in addition to the crap that is sent from automated email spamming programs.

I must say that I was particularly impressed with the message I received and I don’t care who wrote it. I’m glad to have received it, and it’s really the first and only time I’ve ever received a mass email that I’ve enjoyed. It’s posted after the jump for your reading pleasure. And remember, I don’t really believe that Jay Leno had anything to do with it, but that doesn’t matter. In fact, I’ll hit up Snopes and check, be right back… yep I was right, however the quote in the last paragraph WAS Jay Leno’s. Go figure.

Unhappy Americans

Jay Leno wrote this; it’s the Jay Leno we don’t often see….
“The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3′s of the citizenry just ain’t happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ”What we are so unhappy about?” Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it’s the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. All of this is in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.

The fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U. S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don’t have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?

Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn’t take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it, are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the “Media” told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn’t have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ”general” discharge, an ”other than honorable” discharge or, worst case scenario, a ”dishonorable” discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by “justifying” them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O. J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn’t kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way. Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day or at least be thankful and appreciative. “With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, “Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

Jay Leno