So you got married. Good for you! You are now living in perfect harmony with a fellow human being of the opposite sex (assuming you’re not gay). Not that gay people are living in perfect harmony. I meant they would not be living with someone of the opposite sex, so the first part still applies. Except, if you’re a lesbian – then you don’t care about “man zones” so it might not apply to you.

Anyway whoever you are and whatever your story, you thought you would be living in perfect harmony, right? At least you were hopeful of that, right? Well as you’ve probably found out, that isn’t possible. But, you can give your relationship a real boost in the direction of perfect harmony by being proactive and adhering to techniques that our forefathers have passed down to us.

One thing that can really help you out (or hurt you if you lose control of it) is creating a “man zone” for yourself and your fellow idiot man friends who have also ended their lives in marriage (I mean that in a positive way). A man zone is defined simply as follows:

Man Zone: a confined area in or around your place of living that your wife isn’t allowed to decorate.

I know, pretty simple definition. But therein lies its genius. If your wife isn’t allowed to decorate it, she won’t want to be in it, and if she’s not in it, it becomes a man zone.

Here are five of the best places for planting your flag and saying “mine!” before your wife gets a chance. As you will probably discover throughout the list, it might be easier than you think since your wife is unlikely to desire most of these areas in the first place.

5. Game Room

Usage

All men possess two interests: 1) the desire to destroy things with hammers, and 2) the desire to be a kid again. The latter is the reason we make game rooms. Game rooms are usually created in a second or third bedroom (the higher the number, the higher the zone’s success rate) and contain things like computers, gaming consoles, bean bag chairs, arcade machines, and Monopoly. Boys look forward to becoming men so they can buy all the sweet toys they can’t yet afford. You’ll also see remnants of the man’s childhood, usually in the form of old Star Wars figurines atop dusty shelves in the corner. Also, as the picture above suggests, there will be at least one reference to popular culture, like Simpsons paraphernalia or a Scarface poster.

Drawbacks

While you will take every effort to make this zone unappealing to women by leaving old pizza crusts on the floor, your wife will inevitably desire to come in and play Ms. Pacman. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very fun activity that can strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and seems in theory to be a good idea, but it won’t be long before you enter your man zone and see a new throw pillow on the futon. That throw pillow is a direct warning signal that your man zone is under attack.

The Anti-Zone

To give you a perspective of how a woman might view a game room man zone, I will give you an example of the equivalent woman zone, termed the “anti-zone”. In this case, the anti-zone is the kitchen. You don’t desire to be in this room since you have no idea how to cook, but you’re willing to enter from time to time to grab a beer out of the fridge.

4. Deck

Usage

When men get bored of renovating the inside of their houses, they turn to the back yard. A deck is an essential part of a back yard because it acts as a safe perimeter with which to protect the almighty bbq grill. A proper deck is surrounded by a wooden ledge to clearly mark where this zone begins and ends, and is raised off the ground proportional to the amount of power the man thinks he holds in his marriage. A deck is simply a tree house for men, with the addition of cigars, beer, and brats. And you don’t have to climb anything to get to it. (Some would say this is because men get lazier with age, but the real reason is because they get smarter).

Drawbacks

If you don’t engineer your deck with the utmost care, women will have to walk across it to get to their flower bed. A lot of men have overcome this obstacle by building multi-level decks, and putting all the important stuff on the highest point so the commonfolk can still utilize the lower parts of the deck without intruding on your space. This is where the term “upper deck” originated.

Anti-Zone

The opposite of a deck is your wife’s vegetable garden. You eat things that come from it, and it looks nice from across the yard, but that’s about as far as your relationship is allowed to develop.

3. Garage

Usage

While the game room and the deck are used solely for recreational purposes, the garage is the first man zone on the list that actually has a functional purpose. It is your base of operations for you to lovingly fix all of the stuff your wife breaks (I’m not trying to be condescending here. Men break things too, but we never tell you because by the time you come across it we’ve already fixed it).

That is why the garage is higher on the list, because the nature of this zone gives you an almost unlimited number of excuses to be in it. Depending on the size of your garage and how much junk you can fit in the smallest space, it is possible that you will never technically need to leave it to survive. Viewing the image above, you can plainly see that a garage is special because there are two phenomena taking place: 1) men can proudly display their clutter, gadgets, and junk for all the world to see (women created china cabinets and hampers to solve this problem inside the house), and 2) the most sloppy, dirty, disorganized man will suddenly turn into Martha Stewart when it comes to organizing his tools.

Drawbacks

Where the hell else is your wife going to park her car?

Anti-Zone

The anzi-zone to the garage is the foyer. You have no idea where to stand and being in one is really boring.

2. Den

Usage

All men want to be James Bond. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. James Bond is particularly appealing because not only is he skilled at all the physical stuff like car chases and shooting at people, he is also sophisticated. When a man sits in a den with an important looking credenza and a cabinet holding at least one semi-expensive bottle of Scotch, it doesn’t matter how classless and distasteful he is, he will suddenly begin to discuss politics and philosophy. Men need this. It is essential to keep us from becoming Nascar fans.

Also, a den is one of the only practical places in the house where you can put a large flat panel TV and a recliner, which are the man’s equivalent to a large piece of art and a daybed.

Drawbacks

I haven’t thought of any, because I’ve never owned a den. They’re just fantasies in my wildest imagination.

Anti-Zone

The anti-zone of the den is the parlor (or the dining room or the formal room or whatever room has all the stuff you can’t touch). It’s sophisticated, but in a way that is completely foreign to you.

1. Basement

Usage

The basement is the ultimate man zone. You are freaking underground in a cave when you are in a basement. You can make all the noise you can possibly imagine and it is absorbed by the earth around you. You can put drums, home theaters, and other noisy men in a basement. You can put neon signs, shuffleboard, and poker tables in a basement. You are surrounded by all the things your house is powered by, like water heaters, furnaces, and table saws. But best of all, there is a thing you can build in your basement which is desired by all men. We watched a show for years that was completely centered around one. We sometimes pay money at the door just to get into one and sit at it. I’m talking about a bar. And when you build your own bar, you can put whatever crappy beer you want on tap. Just take a look at that picture above. A woman would respond: it looks like a dark, dank, depressing place to be. A man would respond: hey, that’s a Stroh’s light above the railroad crossing sign. I want to go to there.

Drawbacks

Your house could burn down or blow away, and you’d never know the difference. Or care.

Anti-Zone

There is only one place that is fully a basement’s equal and opposite, and that is your wife’s walk-in closet. She sees her crowning achievement, you see a month’s salary in the form of shoes that were only worn once. There’s nothing for you there but despair.

Well, Hollywood would have us believe it’s having a lot of money and girlfriends. TV paints a picture of a manly man sitting on his barcalounger drinking manly beer and watching sports. Some would go so far as to say a man is not manly at all unless he is a coal miner, lumberjack, or biker, who eats huge fattening fast food sandwiches.

You’re doing it wrong.

There is one product out there that will guarantee you manliness. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s called Old Spice Swagger, and it really does make you into a man. I’m not going to sit here and try to sell it to you. Just go out and buy a stick, use it, and reap the benefits. It is the most manly thing ever invented.

They have somehow figured out the formula of “swagger”. I don’t know how they did it, but I’m not lying to you that Old Spice Swagger actually boosts your manliness. I’m naturally about 87% manly. I would be 100% except that I was docked a few points because I enjoy an occasional Smirnoff Ice and at one point in my life I owned a turtleneck sweater.

Old Spice Swagger fixed all that. It put me right at about 98% manly, which is precisely where I want to be.

girly |———————————————-me—| manly

Now, you’re probably thinking I’m just writing this post to be funny, especially since my posts have been less frequent of late. That is usually the case. But not this time.

Look, I know you still aren’t sold. That’s OK. Don’t buy it. Just walk by the deodorant section next time you’re picking up tampons for your wife at Target and simply take a whiff of a stick of Swagger. You will instantly drop the the feminine products you were carrying and re-evaluate your life.

I can see that you don’t think sampling it is even worth your time. Fine. Here’s all you have to do. Don’t even go to Target, just find someone on the street who uses Swagger and wait for their scent to waft your direction. You will instantly be transformed into a more manly person just for having been in the presence of someone wearing it.

You’re saying that doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t it? Answer me this: what happens when you’re walking down the street and smell some barbeque. You desire to eat barbeque, and you just can’t help the desire. Well think about what would happen if you were walking down the street and you smelled the musk of a real manly man. You would naturally desire to become more manly. It’s science.

If you still don’t believe me, take it from these celebrity endorsements who got paid loads of money to be in these commercials:

“There’s Luke waking up without hittin’ the snooze button – DELICIOUS!”

R2-D2 projector in action video (over at Gizmodo)

Here are some photos from the Star Wars Shop:

In case your IT department blocks the clicking of links on the intertubez, here is a list of features. Bear in mind all of these features are controlled via a Millennium Falcon remote control:

• DVD/CD player projector
• Completely motorized (like a remote control car)
• 260″ projection size
• Multipositioning (project on the wall, ceiling, floor, etc.)
• 1800:1 contrast ratio
• Connects to Xbox 360, PS3, and Wii
• Optical digital out for Dolby 5.1 surround
• Build in virtual surround
• All original R2-D2 sounds!!! This is the main reason I want it.
• S-video in (connects to camcorder)
• USB slots and multi-card reader (display photos on the wall)
• iPod doc (plays music and displays photos and video from your iPod)

Oh BTW it costs three grand. WORTH IT!

Man, just watch how absolutely blissful the fans are. You can tell there’s a hockey fighting code that the players all abide by, because there’s almost never a 2 on 1 situation. It’s an art form.

Don’t you dare turn the video off before it’s done. Have you not learned your lesson from the other videos I’ve posted? 2:50 = body slam, FYI.

I know this takes away from the glory of the first video, but it’s just a short instructional video on life. Go on, watch it. The moral is to hit the other guy harder than he hits you. It appears to work very well.

After I watched these clips I was inspired and tried to pick a fight with one of the nice little ladies over in operations, who unfortunately declined. She wouldn’t have stood a chance! Why? LOL Because I out weigh her by 50 pounds and I’m a foot taller than her, DUH. Plus she’s 50 years old. She definitely would have went down hard, I really hope she knows that.

So my point remains: hockey is the true MAN’s sport. And based on this post and how it affects me you can see how it clearly makes our planet better, and life.