If some dude was transplanted from 50 years ago to a conversation happening today between two people about a third person, that dude would most likely get the wrong impression about the person being discussed. That’s because words can have different meanings based on such variables as A) what time period the word is used, B) the vocal inflection or body language accompanying the words, and C) who the person in question is. For instance, the word “dude” used to probably mean something more specific than it does now. We call everyone a dude, but back then I think it had something to do with a dude ranch or something. I’m not going to look it up, but you get the idea.

Well, today I want to focus in on one of the variables I mentioned, and that is who the person in question is, or more specifically, what gender the person is. This type of thing is discussed ad nauseum in stand-up comic routines about the differences in men and women. So, I decided to make it unique by expressing my ideas not in front of a live studio audience, but via my blog. That makes it different right? No? Well how about this: mine will be way funnier and more true. Actually I probably can’t pull that off. That leaves me only one optoin: embed a Youtube video at the end of the post. Beat that, Jim Gaffagan!

Here is a list of adjectives used to describe people, followed by what that adjective really means. Notice how they unfortunately differ based on whether or not you are talking about a man or a woman:

As promised, here is the bonus video. It’s by DJ Steve Porter, the same guy who did the NFL remix “You Play To Win The Game”. Remember the Pants On The Ground dude from American Idol? Here is the remix:

It is a husband’s responsibility to zing his wife back. If he doesn’t, the ensuing relationship is his own fault. However if my wife ever smiled at me as condescendingly as the woman in this commercial I would probably throw up all my lunches from the past 4 days straight into her little bowl of soggy oat rings. It literally makes me gag just watching it. It makes me GOL (that’s a real thing starting now).

Seriously, Multigrain Cheerios?! Do you think men are really this petrified of their wives? Also of note: what kind of slogan is “Because it tastes good”? That’s almost as bad as Rally’s “You gotta eat!”

I’m not a fan of how men are being portrayed on commercials and sitcoms and pretty much anything on TV these days. If men are really this dumb and women are really this insidious, how is anyone getting together? Especially if they’re as ogre-ish as the actors in the Multigrain commercial? As usual, Seinfeld has the answer:

Don’t get me wrong, men are very stupid. I am a very stupid man and I do stupid things every single day. I also witness other men doing stupid things all the time. We don’t do it on purpose (usually), it’s just who we naturally are. But as much as it is in our nature to be stupid, there is one thing that is not in our nature, and that is to be scared of things. And “things” includes women.

My wife and I have been commenting on this phenomenon for years. We will see a commercial with the obligatory scene of a husband and wife about to engage in some banter, and we will frequently predict that the woman is going to be the smart one and the man is going to be the ridiculous idiot who gets no respect from his wife (or his kids – but that’s a different story). My wife is just as sick of this message as me.

But there is hope. Someone out there had the same thoughts as me and decided to go to marketing school and get a job at a big marketing firm so they could make this commercial:

It starts off like all the rest, but then *gasp* the man actually zings the woman back! It just feels so right. Bravo T-Mobile commercial writer! Couples of the world: rise up and bust each others’ chops, starting now!