And here’s a commercial for his presidential campaign:

Love this guy. I really hope he does well.

So, it really bothers me that when a guy like Ron Paul comes along who does not change his beliefs based on popularity and consistently discusses issues at their philosophical foundations (instead of just flapping his jaw about how dumb and terrible [x] party is), he seems to be almost completely ignored by the media. I don’t watch The Daily Show and from the few clips I’ve seen I generally tend to disagree with it, but they really nailed this issue. Check out this clip that pretty much says it all:

Here’s an argument that I hear often coming from the right wing commentators: “the debt was increased by much more when Obama was in office than when Bush was in office” inferring that somehow this makes republicans right and democrats wrong. That’s such a load of crap. That’s the same logic as “Bob killed 23 people, but Jim only killed 11 people, so Jim is a good man.”

C’mon, media, seriously?!

One of my biggest fears is deep water. I have always wondered why I’m so afraid of it. One time I was jet skiing in the Cayman Islands and I was cruising around within 50 yards of the shore. One of the boat captains had previously explained to me that about 200 yards off shore the depth of the water sharply dropped off from around 40 feet to a mile. A MILE DEEP. That is 5,280 feet, way deeper than 40! I decided to venture out and see what it was like to cross the “threshold” of depth. I revved my trusty Yamaha and went straight out toward the horizon. Suddenly, all around me, the water turned from light blue to black; I had journeyed over the great shelf. I was immediately filled with an ominous fear I had never experienced before (aside from when Taco Bell took the Volcano Taco off their menu). When I scampered back to safety and calmed down, I posed this question to myself: “Why is it that absolutely nothing changed when I crossed the barrier – my jet ski still worked perfectly, I had the same ability to swim, and the waves remained the same – but I was absolutely horror-stricken?” I researched the answer to this question for 3 solid years and have finally figured out the answer. In keeping with the TGM tradition, this is all totally scientific and full of completely accurate science.

The true fear presented here is actually going down beneath the surface into the depths, either in an ocean or a lake (lakes are almost scarier), and the jet skiing example is what happens as a result of that fear. Though filled with horror, I was able to be on top of the deep water and could probably do it again. It would be absolutely out of the question for me to actually dive into the depths and be “down there” by myself. But why is this so? As you will see, it is not due to any one fear, but a combination of all of our most common fears. Here are the reasons why deep water is a ridiculously scary concept.

1. Fear of the Dark

When you’re at the bottom of a body of water, you can’t see anything. It’s pitch black. Have you ever tried to swim as far down in a lake as you can? It gets really dark and cold really fast – about 10 feet down. Imagine being 20 feet down. Or 5,280 feet down. But even that’s nothing compared to the deepest point on the entire crust of the Earth, located at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean near Japan, called the Mariana Trench, which is 38,000+ feet (or 6.8 miles). If you put Mount Everest at the bottom of the trench, the top of the mountain would still be over a mile below the surface of the ocean. The bottom line is that you can’t see anything. Even if you’re not that far down and there is faint sunlight, everything below you would be complete darkness, and this definitely plays into our collective fear of the dark. In case I haven’t hammered my point home by now, just think about taking a walk in the woods by yourself. Not really scary. Now picture yourself alone in the woods in the middle of the night. I don’t care who you are, the dark is a scary thing.

2. Fear of Suffocating

This is the most obvious reason, but it still needs to be addressed. Have you ever gotten to the point where you swam down too far in the swimming pool and you seriously considered the fact that you might not make it back to the top before you ran out of breath? If you’ve ever been rough-housing as a kid with blankets and pillows and you accidentally got pinned down inside of a sleeping bag or something, and you get to that point where laughter temporarily turns to screaming, you know what a scary concept not being able to breath is. Even if you have scuba gear with you down in that deep dark abyss, there’s a chance a valve could pop out or you could run out of oxygen. You can’t see and you can’t really take a deep breath. Could it get worse? Yes.

3. Fear of the Unknown

Need I remind you there are lots and lots of weird, dangerous, freaky-looking creatures everywhere in deep water? There are over 1 million species of creatures in the ocean. I’d be scared if there were 1 million creatures in the ocean, let alone species of creatures, and scientists estimate there are an additional 9 million species yet to be discovered. That means we only even know what 11% of the creatures in the ocean are. Most of the beings in the ocean are things mankind has never even seen or heard of. Who knows what could be down there?

But it’s worse than you’re even imagining. Allow me to use another analogy that’s happened to you in real life so that you can gauge how truly scary this is. Think about a time when you were walking in a dimly lit basement trying to find something, or, again, walking in the woods at night armed with only a flashlight. All the sudden, something brushes up against the back of your neck. What do 10 out of 10 people do at that point? They become airborne similar to a frightened cat, possibly let out a very girly scream, and instantly turn around and shine their flashlight to see what it was. And every time, what is the thing that touched you? A leaf from a branch or the flap of a cardboard box. It’s never anything actually scary. But in deep water, it’s always something scary.

Think if you couldn’t shine your flashlight on the thing. And think if the thing was lots of things. And think if, even if you could see the thing, you probably would have no idea what you were staring at. You would be forever locked in that initial fright index of 100.

It’s dark, you can barely breath, and some weird things just touched you and you have no idea where they just went. But there is more to fear, I’m afraid.

4. Fear of Flying Insects

Think if you were in a canyon somewhere in Colorado taking a hike. It would be very much like the bottom of a lake except without the water, wouldn’t it? If you answered yes, you clearly don’t appreciate the gravity of the fear of deep water. Imagine that, as you’re walking along, all of the beetles and scorpions crawling along the ground, the huge, black, hairy spiders that are hidden from view in the cracks of the canyon walls, and the slimy worms and snakes that are burrowed beneath the ground, simultaneously started flying anywhere they wanted. That is what the bottom of a lake without water would be like. For the strange creatures underwater, there is no up or down. They simply go wherever they want as if they were flying.

Ever been around someone when a huge bug flies near them? Then you know how even the manliest men, even though they appear to be calm, quickly tense up and become filled with a secret fear that the bug might land on their eyeball or fly into their mouth, and that’s why men try so hard to kill them. Go to a park in the summer and observe a large group of people. You will most assuredly witness at least one person run for their life because a bug is flying around their head. Flying insects are just plain scary.

Unfortunately, in deep water, you can’t see any of the undiscovered freakish flying creatures that brush past your body as you grasp at your suffocating throat. That’s gotta be it, right? Wrong.

5. Fear of Being Caught

Have you ever been chased by a dog, even if you were just playing with the dog? It’s so scary. Dogs will always catch you, and there is nothing more thrilling than when you are running full speed away from the dog and each time you glance back the dog is 10 yards closer until it’s finally nipping at your heels. Now, imagine that same scenario, except instead of a dog, you’re running from a bear. You will be eaten if you are caught, and it doesn’t help that bears can run faster sideways than the fastest human can run forward.

When you’re at the bottom of a lake, everything that is around you was built to move in water. Everything, except you. If something truly frightening like a shark or a giant squid caught site of you, you could turn the other way and flail about all you want, but the monster will catch up with you in a split second. You can’t get away from anything.

Even if you had the wherewithal to see and breath, you couldn’t run from danger. It would simply find you and devour you.

There are lots of places that I wouldn’t want to be, such as trapped in a burning house or alone in the vacuum of space. But in the burning house at least I can see, and in space at least there aren’t any creatures that could get me. There are no other places in the universe that combine as many common fears as places like a mile below the surface of Lake Baikal or 7 miles below the surface of the Pacific Ocean. It is because of the combination of all of these fears that I am so horrified by deep water.

I, for one, would love to be rich. Being able to partake in the finer things would be awesome. Five-star restaurants. No more broken down cars. Someone else to do my house repairs. A personal trainer to equal out my increase of Volcano Taco consumption. Oh that’d be so grand. However, that stuff would very quickly become boring, I’m sure. So, I’d like to think that I could do something more meaningful with my newfound financial responsibility, such as giving it away, starting my own charity, helping widows & orphans, and spreading the Gospel. You know, Bible stuff. Christian stuff. The trouble is, I don’t really do much of that now, so what makes me think I would increase those activities just because I had more money? More money would probably equal more distractions and stress, which would in all likelihood decrease those activities.

Well, here’s a great example of a few people that did what I’d like to think I would do. And by the way, they were just killed a few hours ago in the pirate-infested waters of Somalia.

According to this news article I read today, four Americans traveling around the world on a Yacht were captured and executed by Somali pirates. Apparently, there was a skirmish aboard the pirate ship when the U.S. military got involved. Unfortunately, they were not able to save the four hostages:

The officials said U.S. military personnel boarded the yacht and discovered all four hostages had been shot by their captors.

The officials said two pirates were killed and 13 others captured after a brief gun battle as U.S. forces took control of the boat.

What you don’t find out until most of the way through the article, is that the people were traveling around the world trying to spread the Gospel. I doubt the people were executed because of their faith, but they still died doing the most important thing in their lives:

Scott Adam, who was in his mid-60s, wanted to combine his love of adventure with his faith by spreading Bibles around the world, Professor Robert K. Johnston, of Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, said Sunday.

“He was sailing around the world and serving God, two of his passions,” Johnston said.

He said that despite an adventurous spirit, the Adams were meticulous planners who knew the dangers they faced.

Now, I have no idea what kind of people they were. However, I love this story (as tragic as it is) because here is an example of someone who has a lot of money and decided to enjoy their money while serving God. The could have given it all away, but they chose to go on an adventure. I’m not saying you should do the same thing with your money if you were rich. Some are called to give it all away, and others are called to use it as a tool. I think it depends on what type of person you are. My point here is that I respect people who live their lives for God, but I really respect these people for living their lives for God, know what I mean? Good work.

I have talked before about how it feels like we live in the future because of all the awesome things we have, no? Maybe that’s one of my 27 drafts that are waiting to be finished. In any case – cell phones, man. How in the heck can we talk to whoever we want with no delay? Also – flat panel TVs, dude. Do you realize we are seeing a crystal clear, insanely bright, fifty-five inch wide, high resolution image on an apparatus that is less than an inch thick? That’s a far cry from the overhead projectors we had in school. Oh and – the Internet. Think about that one. You can carry around a sleek little netbook and have access to EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD from almost ANY PUBLIC PLACE.

I have said that to say this: you’d think that in a world with iPhones, organic LED TVs, and Internet everywhere, everything else would follow suit and get better and faster. You’d be wrong. I’m about to point out something in the following sentences that you’ve never consciously noticed, but has been driving you crazy. Sort of like when someone finally turns off a device that has been making a bunch of background noise all along and you suddenly realize how annoying it was once they turn it off.

We can all agree that technology is great – that is, once it’s up and running. It’s the getting it up and running part that I take issue with.

Here is the problem as I see it: gadgets and gizmos are getting smarter, more sophisticated, more complicated, and able to do so much more than they ever did. Well that’s good. Good for you. But, there is one thing missing: THINGS TAKE FOR FREAKING EVER TO START UP. Let me explain. 20 years ago I bought an original Nintendo console with the help of my parents. Here’s what happened next: 1) I put a game in, 2) I pushed the power button, 3) I entered a state of gaming bliss. That was it.

Conversely, 2 years ago I bought a Nintendo Wii. Here’s what happened next: 1) I pushed the power button, 2) I waited for it to load, 3) I ate a pastrami sandwich, 4) I hit A to get past the first warning screen, 5) I got to the menu, 6) I put a game in, 7) I waited for it to load the game, 8 ) I ate a Totino’s pizza, 9) I clicked on the game, 10) I waited for the game menu to load, 11) I hit A to get past the second warning screen, 12) I clicked “play”, 13) I clicked “yes I’m sure”, 14) I waited for the game to load AGAIN, 15) ANOTHER warning screen, 16) I finally saw the actual game menu.

WARNING EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WII DEVICES. THINGS CAN HAPPEN. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

Delicious. Do not eat if you are older than 15 years of age or you will literally get fat immediately.

And after all of that, I still had to complete several more steps – which I won’t list – and go through several more screens of loading various components before I even got to do anything.

With all of the effort involved in playing a simple game, is it even worth it? Sometimes I have 5 extra minutes where I feel like taking a load off and beating one level of a game. NOT POSSIBLE with a Nintendo Wii (or any other modern gaming console). It takes 5 minutes just to get everything up and running. I don’t want to have to schedule a time to play a video game.

“Well, TGM, I’m not a gamer, so your new theory doesn’t apply to me.” Actually it does, or at least it will very very soon. Ready for this little nugget? I have a state-of-the-art 52″ flat panel Samsung TV. Whether you realize it or not, one day so will you. Here’s what you can look forward to.

When I press the power button on my remote, it takes 35 seconds before I see an image. THIRTY-FIVE. What in the hoot-nanny could possibly be taking so long? I have ordered a meal from McDonald’s, driven to the first window, paid, driven to the second window, waited for several people to assemble and prepare multiple food items, received my food, and taken a bite of a french fry IN LESS TIME THAN THAT. When I used to have an analog TV with an electron gun in it (so old!) it would take around 5 – 8 seconds for me to see an image. ONLY FIVE TO EIGHT.

I love the Grassy Field & Trees channel.

Now, I realize it’s because the HDMI cables are carrying commands from my digital cable box to my TV via my 7.1 channel Onkyo receiver, which itself has to process the picture and sound through any number of its internal THX decoders and processors, and then it has to sync everything up, and there’s a million other things going on that I probably don’t understand. Yeah, that stuff’s pretty cool. But you’re missing the point, Samsung. You’re still not getting it, Onkyo. Why aren’t you paying attention, Motorola Comcast Cable Box? Go faster.

Isn’t this supposed to be the future? It sure sounds like it to me. Just say the year we’re in and it sounds like the future. “Twenty Ten”. That is definitely the future. If you asked anyone 15 years ago what they thought of when they heard the phrase “Twenty Ten”, they would say, “That’s totally in the future. Everything will be futuristic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch Friends followed by Seinfeld on NBC Thursday night must-see TV. Whoops, hold on, someone’s paging me.”

Don’t even get me started on my BluRay player. ZOMG. I am absolutely not exaggerating in any way when I tell you this: it takes up to a minute and 30 seconds from a cold start to when it actually loads my disc. “But TGM, that sounds pretty normal to me.” Orly? Think back to your VCR. You put a VHS tape in and that son of a bitch would start playing immediately. BOOM. Watch your movie.

“I am neither a game player nor a movie watcher. So it still doesn’t apply to me.” Yes it does. Have you ever turned on a computer? This one really gets me. The other stuff – OK, take forever, that’s fine – it’s just fun and games. But a computer? You use computers for work. FOR WORKING. Yet, from a cold start, it can take several minutes for a computer’s processor to stop frantically churning so that you can actually open a program. Have you ever tried to click a program before the computer has fully loaded? And then nothing happens, so you click it again, and then two of them finally open? Arrrgh – frustration!!

Think about it. Processors are exponentially faster than they used to be with multiple cores and hyper threading and all that stuff. Memory is thousands of times bigger than what it used to be. Hard drives have higher RPMs and millions of times more storage space than they used to have. Yet it still takes the same amount of time, and even longer in some cases, to boot up your HP Pavilion Touch Screen Ultra PC as it did to boot up your Packard Bell 386 two decades ago.

What can possibly come next? Intel Core 3: The Most High.

More really good examples that you’ve probably experienced:

• My first cell phone 11 years ago turned on when I pressed the power button. My current cell phone takes up to 45 seconds to complete a cold start. Probably because it has more ring tones.
• My first 5-disc CD player could startup in 5 seconds and change discs in 10 seconds. My current Philips 5-disc shelf system literally takes a full minute to start up and takes 15 seconds to change discs. Probably because it has a USB port.
• My VCR could fast-forward the warnings at the beginning of movies. My BluRay player blocks me from pressing any buttons during warning screens, and also has twice as many of them to boot. Probably because it can stream Netflix.
• Paying at the pump used to consist of swiping a card and selecting an octane. I went to Kroger’s gas station yesterday and had to enter my Kroger Plus card number, then swipe my card, then answer yes/no questions on 3 separate screens, and then enter my billing zip code, and then finally choose the octane, only to discover my gas pump had the slowest flow in the world. Probably because it has a comfort grip handle.

See? See? Hasn’t this stuff been annoying you?! Scientists: hold off for a bit on the features and develop things that start faster, please. Once we’ve got everything humming along at lightning speed like you see on TV and in the movies, THEN we can go back to features. Deal?

Oh, and don’t think you’re getting away without a trademarked theory. I declare this phenomenon the Eating Scraps Effect ™ because manufacturers distract you with features until you don’t notice that you have to wait every time you want to use something, similarly to how William Wallace described the Scottish nobles as “so concerned with squabbling for the scraps from Longshank’s table that you’ve missed your God given right to something better.”

I know what you’re thinking: two Seriously?! posts about television networks, back to back? The economy is in bad shape, man, and it affects everyone. Or I watched a little too much TV this week. So, did you happen to catch any of the programming on NBC last night, namely The Office and 30 Rock? If you did, you may now loose the wire around your neck – it’s not worth killing yourself. If you didn’t, I just want you to know that this blog post is not exaggerated – these things actually occurred on this planet in this dimension in this country in my living room.

Apparently it is “Green Week” or something (didn’t know that) and NBC is the most liberally-biased network there is (did know that), which is a very annoying combination. Before I tell you what happened, let me refresh you with our classic TGM political disclaimers. I am neither conservative nor liberal on all matters, and I do not fall into either of the groups in the two one-party system. If NBC was ultra-conservative instead of liberal, and it was like “Gun Week” or something, then I would be equally annoyed. Glad we cleared that up. So, what hoopla went on last night, besides a pot-head scoring 3 TDs against Carolina?

I’ll start with a list of topics in the “hot debate” category that were force-fed down our throats with a big, smug, liberal spoon (probably made out of recycled cardboard):

• Zero carbon footprint (The Office)
• Fluorescent lights (30 Rock)
• Green week (The Office/30 Rock)
• Socialism (The Office)
• Biodegradable objects (The Office)
• Earth-friendly sun tea (30 Rock)
• Homosexuality (The Office/30 Rock)
• How bad aerosols are for the atmosphere (The Office)
• Endangered whales (30 Rock)
• Big corporations are evil (The Office)
• CEOs who spend unnecessary money should be “thrown in jail” (direct quote – The Office)

Seriously, NBC?!

That is just a partial list. I only watched about half of 30 Rock, which equals about 11 minutes, so if you combine that with 22 minutes of The Office, that is a total of 33 minutes of actual shows. You read that list and you start to wonder if there was any actual “show” at all. I guess it’s a testament to NBC’s knack for comedy that the answer to that question is yes, there were actually still quite a few funny moments (although down from the regular average).

My wife pointed this out to me. She noted how we go through each day inundated with ideals, politics, opinions, and controversy. We finally get the chance to sit down at 9 o’clock at night and turn off our brains for a half hour of laughter, and the last thing we want is more ideals and politics, but NBC apparently disagrees. Have you seen SNL recently? It hasn’t always been so political, but nowadays it is probably the most politically-charged, liberal show in the entire world (another NBC show).

I know more than one person who has stopped watching The Office because of how much Micheal Scott reminds them of their own bosses. I have yet to meet someone who has stopped because they can’t stand to hear any more about liberalism. I can tell you right now, I’m not going to be that person who stops. However, if you are that person, and you are strong enough to actually quit, please let me know so I can never accept your challenge in any sort of self-control contest.

For what it’s worth, I am drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee out of a styrofoam cup as I write this, and I promise I will throw it in the styrofoam recycling bin when I’m done – don’t worry.

What is the difference between Left wing vs. Right wing politics? It seems like everyone’s an expert when it comes to this, and most people I have met are either Liberal or Conservative – despising the other party. Liberals hate Limbaugh, Beck, and Fox News. Conservatives hate Gore, Jackson, and CNN. That’s the way it is. Well I consider myself a little different, and I’m not saying this to toot my own horn or to cop out of the debate, but I can actually see both sides! That’s why I love this infographic. Check it out – it’s a beautiful, almost perfect side-by-side comparison of the Left versus the Right when it comes to government. Seems to be very accurate, and easy to understand (click to enlarge):

(Image taken from here)

I know this is a lot of information to take in, but if I can just direct your attention near the bottom of the image under the Beliefs section, you will see what is in my opinion the crux of the matter: freedom vs. equality. They both sound like good things right? But which is more important? The Left says Equality, the Right says Freedom. It’s up to you to decide for yourself what you believe, and it is your right to believe whatever you want.

Now, why did I say this infographic was almost perfect? Because it’s missing the rest of the political spectrum, or more specifically, Libertarianism (and conversely Totalitarianism). Do you want personal freedom or economic freedom? If you want both, then maybe you should look a little closer at what else is out there besides the two-party system (aka one-party system) that you may have trapped yourself in.

There you have it, a political blog post brought to you by TGM. If I have alienated any of my readers (I know you’re mostly teenybopper fangirls of Katy Perry) then I offer this as my consolation: Twitter still sucks. There, now we’re back on track! Twitter’s so fat it uses a dreamcatcher as a belly button ring. Daaaaaamn!

Now I have offended all of the people on the Internet.

If people are scared of evil and want to run from it, the only place to run would be somewhere that’s not evil. By definition, the only place that is not evil is a place where God is. Isn’t that exactly where the devil doesn’t want people to go? It doesn’t make sense that he would make evil come off as scary/repulsive/unattractive to people, because his only goal is to get people to turn from God and follow him. The fact that somehow the devil tricked us into thinking evil is something that it’s not – THAT is evil.

The most important thing to take away from this is that hell is not dark, depressing, and full of physical agony as the world stereotypes it. Hell is exactly like Earth, but without God. You can take part in anything you want forever and ever in hell. You can eat forever, do drugs to obtain an eternal high, have sex as much as you like, and be nice to people as much as you want. You will realize the true meaning of hell when you find out that those things have stopped making you happy and there is nothing else to consume. That is hell.

A) The government should protect us from ourselves.

B) The government should protect us from others.

I am a Libertarian because of the 10th Ammendment, because I value my freedom, because I want to spend my money in whatever manner I desire, and most importantly because I believe the end result of our current one-party political system (the republican-democrat party, it’s just one big party) is Nazi Germany.

Yes, I busted out the Nazis. And I’m completely 100% confident in saying that.

I’ve been a Libertarian for some time, but a friend of mine recently introduced me to the following video, which I obviously just ate up (thanks Phil). It’s called the Obama Deception.

Did I mention I love conspiracy theories? 9/11 was not the result of terrorists – that’s another good one. If you liked The Obama Deception, watch a video called 911 Mysteries and decide for yourself. I don’t know if it’s true because I don’t have enough facts, but it’s interesting nonetheless.