This woman is already in line for the Black Friday sale at a Best Buy in Florida. She is first in line. She is also the only one in line. That’s because today is Tuesday. She is taking a four day, three night excursion to… a parking lot. Let’s be extra liberal with the numbers and say she manages to get $1500 TV for $800, a $200 Bluray player for $80, and five $30 Bluray movies for $10. That’s a savings of $920. Let’s round it up to $1000 just to be safe. So, she has to spend a thousand to save a thousand, and she has to sit in a tent in a parking lot for several days. I have to be honest with you, I would rather work for those four days and earn $1000 without the humiliation. Even if I worked minimum wage, I would rather work four double shifts than sit in a parking lot for four days. And let’s not forget what is REALLY GOING ON HERE. They’re not handing her $1000. They’re knocking $1000 off of their 2nd tier products, which arguably aren’t worth buying in the first place (you should always buy 1st tier brands and products as you’ll save money in the long run by not having to buy replacements as often). Also noteworthy: this lady is stupid and probably also crazy a little. Here’s the video:

The worst part is near the end when she says “Thanksgiving isn’t just about going to someone’s house, cooking, watching football, etc…” What she means is that Thanksgiving isn’t just about that stuff, it’s also about buying junk on Black Friday. Let’s see, yeah… she’s right. It’s not just about that superficial stuff, right? But it seems like it’s not about Black Friday though either. I get this feeling deep down that it’s about something else, but what is it? I’m so confused. She has me really confused. She has brought up a good OH WAIT IT’S ABOUT GIVING THANKS. What it’s really about is explained IN THE NAME OF ITSELF. THANKS. GIVING. Jeez o pete, lady!

It’s weird how so many of us get that Black Friday is terrible and evil. I think almost every single person gets it. Yet people will continue to be trampled this year. Such a weird, weird world we live in. SNL gets it:

I guess you already know Best Buy is stupid, you don’t need TGM to tell you that. I mean have you ever gone into a Best Buy? It’s a bunch of kids dressed in blue polos who think they’re too good for their customers, but they actually don’t know anything about the products they sell. It’s a big box store. A grocery store for electronics. Yet, why do I always find myself wanting to go there? I can tell you, that desire has been waning of late. Take their latest weekly ad, for example. It’s so blatant an attempt to please everyone, that it pleases no one, and it makes me sick:

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I could really dissect this thing. Is the biggest news in the tech world truly WHITE cell phones? And let’s count all of the advertising they are cramming down our throats on just this one page: Verizon, AT&T, Android, Dell, Sony, Samsung, Facebook, YouTube, and Taylor Swift. Yes, we could go on and on ripping this apart. But I want to focus on the footer of the ad. Did you notice it?

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Eid al-Adha is a Muslim holiday that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. I have nothing against Muslims being able to celebrate their own holidays, but why in the name of all that is sacred is Best Buy telling me “Happy Eid al-Adha”? What does that have to do with flat-panel TVs and Xboxs? I didn’t see anything in the Wikipedia article about Eid al-Adha being a holiday of buying each other consumer electronics.

Also, why does it say Merry Christmas right next to it? Did I miss something? Did Christmas move from December 25th to November 15th? Wouldn’t you feel silly if you walked around on November 15th saying “Merry Christmas” to your coworkers? There are yet four additional holidays to the right of Merry Christmas. What’s happened here is that Best Buy has seen how much it can capitalize off of Christmas, and it has decided to rake its hand across the religious realm gathering all major holidays it can find within 2 months of Christmas. Then it puts “Happy ______” or “Merry _______” or “Feliz _______” on the front of its ad so more people will come buy stuff.

The funniest part about this is any other time of year Best Buy couldn’t give two sh*ts about Islam or Judaism. It’s only during Christmastime that the dollar signs appear in retailers’ eyes and they start spouting out salutations in 5 languages to show how much they “care” about other cultures. In my opinion, it’s actually kind of offensive that they even put Merry Christmas right next to Happy Eid al-Adha, seeing as how the holy book of the latter instructs its followers to subdue and/or kill the followers of the former. Do they really belong right next to each other?

Seriously, Best Buy?!

In an attempt to please everyone, Best Buy actually risks alienating it’s customers. If I want to buy a gift this year that I could have gotten at Best Buy, I am going to go to a different retailer that is not so offensive to me – if I can find one. Hello, Internet.

Two weeks ago I was walking through Circle Centre mall in downtown Indy on my way to work and I noticed all the Christmas decorations were already up and I thought yeah, that makes sense, Christmas is only two MONTHS away. Then I realized it was that time of year. The time that makes me sad to be a human. The time when the news reports people being trampled to death to save $20 on a piece of crap DVD player. I think generally speaking any time you have people being trampled to death trying to get out of somewhere, like a burning building or a sinking ship, as morbid as it sounds, that’s acceptable – unfortunate, but acceptable. But anytime you have people being trampled trying to get into somewhere, that is a sign that society has become bored and stupid.

Now, I would never wait in line at 4:30 in the morning in 20 degree weather to save a few bucks on a product that’s going to break in 6 months. However, I do many things to perpetuate this whole Black Friday thing without meaning to. Namely, buying gifts for people at Christmas. I’m not saying I’m going to stop buying things for people, but I think there is something to be said about at least being aware that this is “not what Christmas is for”. In honor of that, I’d like to remind myself first and foremost, and anyone else who happens upon this blog, to do their best to be vigilant during the holiday season. Thus, “Black Friday Watch”. A new blog series in which I’ll point out some of the most ludicrous things I come across on the Internet, on TV, and out there in stores and on billboards*.

To kick off the series, we’ll start off with a little new product for the 2010 holiday season from the “caring” folks at Hallmark:

That is a countdown clock with a Santa Claus coming out of the top that you put on your Christmas tree – the Christmas tree that sits atop the mountain of presents waiting to be opened on Christmas morn’ (I have no idea why it says “Magic” to the right – maybe to help us remember that Christmas is about magic). Here’s the product description:

Time Santa’s arrival to the last second with this clock ornament. The clock’s liquid-crystal display activates at a touch and turns the long wait into a fun family routine. Set the current date and time to display how many days, hours, minutes, and seconds until Christmas! The clock will continually count down the “wait time” and on Christmas Day, the display scrolls the happy message of “Merry Christmas” & a flashing “Ho Ho Ho”! The countdown to Christmas can begin as early as October 1 AND can be REUSED Year after Year.

Oh good I was hoping I could start our “fun family routine” of counting down to Christmas on OCTOBER THE FIRST. So, here’s what Hallmark wants us to do: quarantine a section of our house, put up a tree plastered with ornaments form Hallmark, surround it with gifts (who can fit all their gifts under the tree these days?) which all have cards from Hallmark, and crown the entire thing with an LED clock counting down the seconds until that blissful morning. And they want us to do this starting on October 1st. Might I remind you that October 1st is ONLY EIGHT DAYS AFTER SUMMER ENDS. They want us to do this ritual for one quarter of the entire year.

It is only natural that they will add features to this clock as the years go by. I bet the next feature will be a secondary clock below the main display counting down the days until Black Friday. In 100 years I bet Black Friday becomes a bigger holiday than Christmas. Don’t think it could happen? Look at Halloween. Do people celebrate the original, real holiday on November 1st (All Saints Day)? No, they celebrate a different day leading up to the real holiday which they have termed “Halloween”, just like they have termed the Friday after Thanksgiving “Black Friday”.

Here’s an alternative to the “fun family routine” of pushing a button on an ornament to see how many seconds until you get to open your gifts: The Story of Christmas: Story Book Set & Advent Calendar. That will still entertain the kids by retaining the whole countdown feeling, while hopefully steering the focus back a little closer to where it should be.

*Not a guarantee. If I never do another post in this category again, I am not held responsible. For some reason I have a trigger finger when it comes to starting series.

I have to work the Friday after Thanksgiving. I used to think this was a bad thing, and it seems like everyone else has that day off. But this year, after looking through the morbidly obese Sunday paper and seeing all of the “Black Friday” deals, I decided it was actually a good thing, since it meant I didn’t even have the option to shop that day. Black Friday makes me sick. The problem is, like most evil things, it is so appealing in some ways. For instance, I saw that BluRays are going to be like $6. I saw the Cannon T1i (a $900 camera) is going for $699. I saw an xbox 360 for $299… WITH SIX GAMES. So there is definitely that element of intrigue there. But it’s evil, right? Yes. Maybe these low-down, dirty examples of Black Friday ads will disgust you enough to hammer that idea home.

JC Penny

We’ll start off light with the JC Penny ad for their black Friday deals:

Look at the bottom right-hand corner: “stores open friday at 4am!”. 4am is five hours before 9am. 4am is three hours before 7am. 4am is four hours after midnight. And the workers probably have to show up at the store two hours before it opens that day to prepare. That means they have to show up at 2am. 2am is ten hours before noon. That is more than a full work day that the workers will be there before lunchtime. 2am is two hours after the Giants & Broncos game ends Thursday night. 2am is not a recognized time in 37 states. What could be so important at JC-freaking-Penny’s that you need to miss a night of sleep to obtain? A cheaply-made pendant heart necklace? A blender? A pair of Reebok’s? WHAT?

Also of note: “online screen busters”. What is that? What are those?

Lowe’s

Let’s move on to the Lowe’s ads. Keep in mind this is Lowe’s. You buy things to fix your house at Lowe’s.

I snapped this screenshot on Monday. If anyone is planning their Friday shopping orgy four days prior they need to be given ritalin and a warm glass of milk. Now I want you to study the second sentence in the highlighted box. “Super Friday begins Thanksgiving Day”. The Friday sale begins on a Thursday. And apparently the “deals won’t last long”. So that means it is quite possible that if you go to Lowe’s on Friday to shop their Friday sales, they could be sold out of everything because they sold them all on Thursday. Smart.

Walmart

Let’s move on to America’s most embarrassing store’s ad:

Walmart is so sure that they will retain their clientele, no matter how disgusting their stores and products, that they have decided to play a little game with their consumers by placing them in a life-size rat maze. Walmart has engineered a “treasure” map by rearranging their products into a confusing configuration of maximum center-walkway kiosks and minimum motorized-obesity-kart driving. If no one gets trampled to death this year it is only because Walmart did not drop the price low enough on their off-brand wannabe flat panel TVs.

Best Buy

The fastest rising star of Black Friday hands down has got to be Best Buy. The market is clearly a-frenzy for consumer electronics. I mean just look at their ad:

Best Buy is handing out TICKETS for people to BUY THINGS AT THEIR STORE. And I thought the economy wasn’t doing so hot. If luxury electronics items and unnecessary video games are in such demand that Best Buy has been forced to devise a queuing system rivaling that of Disney’s Fast Pass™, I would argue that the general public ain’t doing too bad. Do you understand that Best Buy is expecting people to show up at their front door at 3am Friday morning to stand in line for 2 hours to snatch up a generic $69 BluRay player that is going to break in 3 months and then wait in the cash register line which wraps around to the back of the store to buy the damned thing only to be sold an “extended service plan” for $19 which only covers earthquake damage? And the worst part: lots and lots of people are going to go do this. For goodness sake people, just go to the Olive Garden one less time this year and you will have saved the same amount of money without selling your soul to the Geek Squad.

Kmart

Here is Kmart’s ad:

Hehe, Kmart. Kudos little buddy. Hang in there.

Target

This is one ad that you need to go check out first hand. It is by far the worst, most disappointing, off-the-mark, blasphemous Black Friday campaign yet. Target’s ad:

Target has created an entire mini-site for Black Friday, including quizzes, paid professional actors, and sleek animated graphics. Above, you’ll see one of the questions in the quiz, which includes other questions such as “What are you eating for breakfast on Black Friday morning?” This is really getting out of hand. Before you know it, Black Friday will be a bigger American holiday than Christmas Day. Think about it, have you ever taken a quiz on the Internet about what you will wear to church Christmas morning?

Target’s ad has it all. Here is a direct quote from the introduction dialogue: “Every savvy holiday shopper knows that if you want to win Christmas you better be all over Target’s 2-day sale.” Win. Christmas. Ironically, that makes the loser of Christmas the One who made Christmas for us. Now look at this:

So, these are things now, apparently:

• “Black Friday dominators”
• counting down to next Christmas before this one even gets here
• green blood
• Hark! The herold angels SAVE!

I have a Christian coworker who does not celebrate Christmas at all. At first I thought he was weird. Now I’m beginning to think the rest of us are. Black Friday is one of the bleakest days of the year. It is “Bleak Friday”.