Check out how original, relevant, and emotionally deep these Nickelback lyrics are:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life”
-Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

Don’t take the free ride in your own life.
Don’t take the free ride in your own life.

There’s just so many ways you can read that, man. It’s like:

Do not steal the free ride inside of the life that’s already only your own.

I won’t. I will not.

Neither does Belichick:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So go for it on 4th and 2 with the Colts six points nigh
With only three minutes left, cause Brady is your guy”
-Bill Belichick, interpreting Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

Our LOLheads department snapped this doozy of Tiger Woods after he placed second in the Masters a few days ago. We detected strong levels of simultaneous smugness and self-loathing emanating from his curiously dark Asian forearms, and when we looked up we saw a face to match it. He resembled one of the greatest smug-and-self-loathing-at-the-same-time men in history: Bill Belichick.

It appeared that the tables had turned. Instead of The Villain resembling a villain, this time we caught a glimpse of a villain resembling The Villian. We know it’s confusing, but that’s why we document these things very carefully and archive them forever here at The Gimcrack Miscellany.

* Please note that we don’t view Tiger Woods as a villain, he is a great golfer and human being probably. We sacrificed what we believe for a funny sentence structure. And we’d do it again in a heartbeat.

I don’t know how it’s happening, but Bill Belichick is turning into Paul Giamatti – that guy who plays the maintenance man in Lady in the Water. See for yourself:

Here he is seen just after his team blew a 79 point lead to only win by 72. Prior to the game, he promised “a win by a margin of exactly 79 points, no more, no less.” No wonder he looks so upset. And winning by 79 points should be easy for a Patriots team playing against the sorry teams in their conference this year.

Failing to rip the sleeves off his hoodie a la Hulk Hogan style as he is accustomed to doing caused Belichick to plummet into an unprecedented rage. The new hoodies are “daisy-duke sleeves” resistant, Bill – it’s for your own protection. The league is trying to battle the whole trailer trash thing, so they came out with the next line of extra-strong-sleeved hoodies. Moments after this photo was taken (by one of my best senior photographers, Jarvis McMasterson-Lightfoot, I might add) Belichick was heard mumbling to himself, “shoulda stuck with ol’ graybeard”. I’m guessing he was referring to his classic gray colored hoodie where the sleeves are nowhere to be found.

I call this photo “Source of Power”, but it’s also been referred to as “The New England Eyebrow”, “Hoodie Surprise”, “Lord of the Rings-Around-the-Neck Busted Old Hoodie-Fabric”, “I’m gonna get you sucka”, and “The Boston Tea Party of 1773″. I’m not quite sure where that last one came from, but it works. You see, this is a truly rare photo, the publishing of which has been heavily persecuted by most of the Greater New England area. It displays a sight to behold: Mr. Belichick’s true source of power. You can clearly see how The Hoodie slowly creeps up his neck as he becomes more giddy with power. It usually hides in and around his chest hair or under his gut, and usually when it ascends it his hidden by his false outer hoodie. But sometimes, when the moment is right, and he has chosen to prance around in naught but a plain polo shirt, he can no longer hide It.

Three Hoodies for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Foxborough where the Shadows lie.
One Hoodie to rule them all, One Hoodie to find them,
One Hoodie to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Foxborough where the Shadows lie.

The Gargabill

The General Kaelichick

There is really no explanation for these physical anomalies.

I had to hire a small crew to help me organize all these photos we’re uncovering. I just added 3 more photographers to my team of scouts who are out there snapping these amazingly rare photos of Belichick. This week he seems to be resembling the infamous Philip Seymour Hoffman. I don’t know exactly why, but here are some possibly relevant facts I’ve come up with:

Some people are not fans at all of Hoffman, but some people love him.
He was in Mission Impossible 3 as a villain.
He was in Along Came Polly attempting to play the part of Jesus in the play.
He was in Cold Mountain supporting fornication, thievery, rape, and murder.

You know who you could use these same characteristics to describe? The Devil. (Although it’s a different actor in MI3 that I’m referring to…)

So, based on these facts and similarities, maybe that’s why he chose to make his current host body, Bill Belichick, resemble Philip Seymour Hoffman.

The Evidence

At a press conference this year, just after cheating the whole world and getting away with it, Belichick Seymour Hoffman turns to the camera and whispers something in Latin. Somewhere in or near the room a baby puppy dies.

At the precise moment Belichick Seymour Hoffman wins his third Super Bowl, he raises his hands above his head and suddenly feels a tremor down below. Luckily for him, the Gatorade poured on his head moments after conceals the mishap.

And finally, this shot was taken just after someone took the Lombardi Trophy away from him for a split second and his mom made them give it back.

In spite of my better judgments I’m opening up a new series entitled LOLheads. I have no idea what it will expand to, but it has already begun with some extremely rare photos of Bill Belichik’s head. There’s one more image of Belichick that I forgot to add, so here it is:

The Scut Farkus Belichick LOLhead

That’s right, in 2007, after the Patriots ran up the score against the Skins 52-7, Bill Belichick was seen snickering to himself and trying to hide it as he shook the hand of Joe Gibbs after the game. He looked like such a childish unsportsmanlike brat that I swear he resembled that bully from A Christmas Story named Scut Farkus. Man I wish little Ralphie Parker would run on the field and beat him up while crying and cursing.

Stay tuned for more extremely rare and candid photos of celebrities snapped just at the right time: when they resemble another celebrity with a funny looking head. (I hate to break character, but yes – I made all of these with mine own fair-handed creativity using Macromedia Fireworks).

Emperor Belpatine

Wrapped in his trademark “goodie” hoodie, Emperor Belpatine (also referred to as Billpatine) is anything but good. And we know it. And he knows it. This was shot sometime in October of 2004, possibly at Buffalo – no one’s completely sure. The light conditions, as well as Bill’s evil swagger, cause him to almost identically resemble Emperor Palpatine from the popular Star Wars franchise.

Biff “Bill” Tannen

I was lucky enough to find two photos from the same game, both of which strangely portray Biff Tannen from Back to the Future. Uncanny. The image on the right must’ve been taken just after the game began, as he had not yet ripped the arms off his hoodie with an old cleat that is rumored to have belonged to Drew Bledsoe, which he keeps in his rear left pocket. Not Bledsoe, the cleat.

Agent Smithichick

This photo wasn’t as obscure as the rest, but no one seems to have noticed the weirdness of it like I have. Look! You can clearly see a resemblance to Agent Smith of The Matrix! I’m telling you, the Colts are going to wind up playing against a bunch of exiled computer programs instead of football players if no one puts a stop to this. Who knows how many more of him there are?

Souper Bowl Nazi

He thinks no one can see under his hoodie. Well I can see him. Come on Bill, it’s not a magical elven hood – it’s a grease stained, smelly, frayed, worn out, cut-off Patriots sweatshirt from 1997 with daisy-duke sleeves. This must’ve been taken just as New England won their third Super Bowl in four years, because it’s the only time in history the Souper Bowl Nazi would throw his arms up in joy instead of anger. Wait, that actually still looks like anger. Apparently they didn’t run up the score enough.

Hoodienator

Sometime early in the playoffs of the 2005 season a cooler of Gatorade was dumped on top of Bill’s head. Some of his skin melted off and his hoodie evaporated, revealing his true form. He quickly put on his Motorola headset which has a secret compartment that sprays faux skin back onto his face. No one was the wiser. I believe the NFL rulebook clearly states the use of such secret compartments on the field are illegal. You are allowed to use them in designated areas around the stadium, just not on the field (See New England President & CEO Robert Kraft). That obviously doesn’t stop the Hoodienator.

Newenglandman

Back in 2005, Belichick had to put his glasses on for a moment to read an acceptance speech for receiving an award. I was able to snap a quick picture, and after processing it in my homemade darkroom I noticed it resembled someone familiar… Newman! This is such a rare occurance because Bill usually wears contacts, but he must’ve forgotten to put them in that particular morning. Since the award was presented in Foxborough, everyone was too busy prostrating his eminence to notice. Everyone except me.

Hannibill Lectichick

I figured it out. His headset usually hides his mask. It’s a wonder I even noticed this one.

Gunnery Sergeant “Belichick” Hartman

Oh my goodness this one’s freaky. Look what happens when he doesn’t wear his “goodie” hoodie. It’s the crazy drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket! I try not to remember too much from that movie, but if Gunnery Sergeant “Belichick” Hartman treats his “troops” at all like the real Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, I can see why everyone’s so afraid of him. I’m sure he really works them on the field. By “works” I mean “touches” and by “field” I mean “secret place”.

Beagol

This is my favorite resemblance. When Beagol goes to shake hands with the opposing coach after the game, with the right conditions, he resembles Smeagol (Gollum) from Lord of the Rings. We usually don’t see it because he always dons a mask that looks like the traditional Bill we’re used to, which he wears on the other side of his face. The only way you can get this shot is from just over his right shoulder, while he’s temporarily not wearing his “goodie” hoodie or his headset, as his body is swiveling away from the other coach at a 30 degree angle, while he’s facing south so the combination of the stadium lights and the simultaneous setting of the sun and rising of a Harvest Moon hit him at the same time. This is truly a once in a lifetime shot. If you were actually there taking the picture, you would’ve heard him say “Keep nasty taters, Beagol likes them raw and wwwwwrrrrrrigling!” I don’t know what that means, but I heard it I tell you.

Edit: There’s been a little confusion as to where these photos originated. They came from the photo editor on my PC because I’m the one that made them.