First of all, I probably knew what 1337 meant before you were born, so some of the items on this scale will be a little too geeky for your taste. If that’s the case, you are hereby excused to your social life of gyms and nightclubs and water coolers and philanthropy. For people who spend the majority of their daily communication on such platforms as texting, IM, E-Mail, forums, and MMO’s, here is the official “texting laughter scale” which I found on a prominent web site out there on the Internet. This is very very official. It has been created by science itself. Just kidding, it was actually created by J. William Patterson in 1934. Can you believe how long this has existed? This scale is listed in order of how much you’re laughing at your keyboard from least to greatest and is case-sensitive:

1. ha
2. hehe
3. lol
4. rofl
5. haha
6. lolz
7. lmao
8. LOL
9. hahaha
10. lmfao
11. roflmao
12. omgrofl
13. ROFL
14. LMAO
15. LMFAO
16. ROFLMAO
17. OMGROFL
18. OMFGROFL
19. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
20. ROFLEARL
21. EARL

Those last two are undoubtedly new to you. That’s because something happened that was so funny one time that the Internet had no word for it. Thus “EARL” was born. It does not stand for anything, and it should only be used if your computer monitor is already covered with beverage spit. Please don’t abuse this scale. If something’s only a “hahaha”, don’t use a “LMFAO” because the person you are chatting with will think they are funnier than they really are and get a big head, and then they might get inspired to go write a “funny” blog post that people will have to read and comment on just to be nice, similarly to the post you are now reading. How’s that for self-referential recursion within a recursion? You just got Inceptioned.

There are two levels of Fail. If a fail places in the “miniscule to minor” range, the reaction is always laughter. If the fail falls anywhere above that range, the reaction is always “Oohh!!” – regardless of language spoken. This video proves it. For example, watch the three clips in a row starting at 47 seconds in. The reactions are always “Oohh!!” because the person might be hurt. The very next clip (55 seconds) where the dude falls off the rock in the water merits laughter because he’s obviously not hurt. The only exception to this rule is if a woman is filming the fail, in which case the reaction is a scream.

1:13 with the dude jumping across the little ditch is hilarious. 1:40 with the guy roundhouse kicking the dude is epic pwnage. 2:33 with the bus almost hitting the man is amazingly miraculous. 3:58 where the dog flies up in the air is surprisingly funny. 4:10 with the exploding bottle rocket is possibly the best video I’ve ever seen – and I’ve seen some pretty funny bottle rocket videos. Watch it a few times in a row. You might wet yourself. 4:48 where the guy runs up the crates is something I definitely want to try before I die. He almost makes it! I don’t even really consider that one a fail.

There should be another panel with Rorschach from Watchmen stalking Batman stalking the Splinter Cell guy stalking the goon, and then even one more panel after that with Chuck Norris stalking Rorschach. Whoa.

Update – another PA comic with the same style of circling plot:

Let me begin by introducing you to him in a way that will immediately show you what he’s all about. That way you can watch this first video and decide if A) you agree with me and want to find out more by reading the rest of the post and commenting about how much you agree, or B) you don’t agree and you don’t feel like wasting your time. Most bloggers wouldn’t be so courteous as to help you with major Internet decisions like this. TMG’s a little different. A special different.

Gabe is the one with the purple tie, FYI.

Now, switch gears for a moment to a blog called Videogum. How did I end up at this blog? I listen to thesixtyone, which has several songs from a music blog called Stereogum, and from there I saw an ad which read “The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time” written about the movie The Family Stone (I, too, hated that movie). After reading the post I was intrigued as to what Videogum was all about. I read a few more of the Worst Movie posts, agreeing with all of them, and loved how poignant the writing was and how the writer was able to bash a terrible movie in a much more elegant way than I could ever hope to with my insanely popular “beratings”.

I started reading more and more of the blog and eventually ended up subscribing and keeping up with every post (there are at least 10 a day) for the last 3 months. When I realized I was addicted to Videogum, I wanted to know more about the writer(s). There are two: a girl named Lindsay Robertson and a guy named Gabriel Delahaye, who goes by Gabe.

I did some research and found out that he is actually a young, normal looking guy (figured he had to be a troll, great writers usually are for some reason), who is actually really funny on camera as well.

Check out another Gabe video making fun of Details magazine and “man style”:

The only problem I have is that I’m afraid Videogum will not be as funny now that I have a face to put with the name (of the writer). That usually seems to ruin it for me because when you take the mystery away things aren’t as intriguing. Why does that happen? In any case Gabe is such a uniquely funny writer that it makes me want to shut down TGM like when they shut down Treadstone on that Bourne movie and all the lights and computers and servers were linked to the same light switch and it all went dark at once. But don’t worry I won’t do that because it only costs me $10 per year to keep TGM running.

*UPDATE*

This one’s really funny too:

I wonder if people will even notice. They even went to the trouble of changing the favicon. That’s what’s great about this site – people will probably be offended by the sexual reference, but Sam & James don’t care. They are truly doing this site exactly how they want to do it without selling out. This, along with the “Holy Sh*t” sound (from Unreal Tournament) that plays when you max-bump (now “max-heart”) a song, are what make me love this site. Oh yeah and the music’s great too. Check out Metric when you get a chance:

*Update* – looks as if thesixtyone flash players aren’t connecting to the site. Hopefully that will be fixed soon.

YOU ARE CONTRACTION FAIL

It seems like everywhere I turn I’m pimp smacked by the hand of bad news. Doom and gloom abounds on TV, in the movies, and even everyday conversations with people. Our economy is dying. Both presidential candidates suck. Gas prices are way up. The Colts played terribly on Sunday. Global warming. Murder. Abortion. Capital punishment. Genocide. Disease. Famine. Pestilence. Death.

This stuff doesn’t bother me. I don’t dwell on it very often. Heck, maybe I should, I don’t know. But one thing’s for sure, there are many more things in the universe that should put a smile on your face than a frown. Here are 5 of them off the top of my head.

#5 Our Country

Think about the fact that you can choose to vote or choose not to vote, and it’s nobody’s business but your own. You don’t have to tell anyone who you voted for or why, and you can have any political viewpoint you want without worrying about anybody (legally) threatening you. No matter who wins the election we will still be the best country in the world with the most powerful military, the highest GDP, and the best schools and corporations, regardless of what doomsday political know-it-alls are “predicting”.

#4 Taco Bell

Any time of any day that I so choose, I can get in my car, drive down the street, and shop at Taco Bell. Or Hardees. Or Subway. Anywhere I want to eat, I can. And I can eat whatever I want. I thank God for this privilege.

Yes, I consider my visits to fast food establishments to be shopping trips.

#3 Roads

Did you ever stop to think about how you can go anywhere you want? You can get on the interstate, which is probably not far from your driveway and get anywhere in the entire country (besides Hawaii). Or, you can drive to the airport, and get on a plane that will take you anywhere in the world (besides Antartica).

But the roads are especially neat to me. Some people complain about road construction. I see it the other way around. Someone is utilizing a bunch of amazingly-engineered heavy machinery and constructing a road for my pleasure. That brightens my day to think about.

#2 DVR

I can pause and rewind live TV. So can you. Even if you don’t have DVR yet, don’t worry about it. It’s one of those things that every household will have within the next 5 years, like dishwashers, microwaves, and cell phones. If you have a TV, you will have the power of DVR. And it will be magnanimous.

#1 Earth

Our Earth is indestructible by human hands. And most other powers too. The Earth cannot be blown up by bombs, and there is no comet or asteroid big enough to destroy the Earth. Even Mars isn’t big enough. If it smashed into the Earth, it would not destroy the Earth (unless it was going at an unbelievably high speed). Mars is only 11% of the mass of the Earth. The object would have to be as big as Venus, which is 81% Earth’s mass. And it would have to be traveling at 50,000 miles per hour. To find out just how hard it is to destroy our planet, see this article.

So, we live in the greatest country on the most resilient planet in the solar system, and we can travel to any Taco Bell we want on a very sophisticated highway system without missing new episodes of The Office. If that doesn’t brighten your day, I don’t know what else to tell you.

I think I have a lot in common with the guy who writes this comic strip. Meh, everyone probably thinks they do. Just like everyone thinks their boss is worse than Micheal Scott. If your boss was really worse than Micheal Scott, do you really think he would still be your boss? No, he would be in jail and bankrupt.

That’s a screenshot of Digg at around 11:00 AM on 9/18/08. What is wrong with that picture? You don’t have to look very close.

8 of the top 10 stories are anti-McCain/Palin and pro Obama. Why do I still read Digg? Oh that’s right, because it’s the best thing ever created, despite all the political articles.

For the record, I would be just as annoyed if 8 of the top 10 stories were anti-Obama and pro McCain/Palin. I don’t care about politics. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.

So, in honor of dear, precious Remy, I’ve decided to share some really funny cat videos with you. If you only have time for two videos, make them the last two.

Mistake Cat

Not all cats are purrrrrfect. (terrible joke = /wrists)

Dramatic Cat

Another one similar to the dramatic hamster. I watched this skeptically because nothing can beat the original, but I’m going to go ahead and say this might give the original a run for it’s money.

Angry Cat

What the hell is she thinking? (has to be a female with that bitchy attitude)

Talking Cats

This one just plain brightened my day.

***WARNING*** 2 really funny videos coming up!!!!!

Printer Cat

Whoever did the sound effects for this video deserves an Oscar. It’s one of those videos that gets funnier as you watch it.

Ninja Cat

And finally this is by far the funniest cat video I’ve ever seen. I wish this was my cat.