If Mike could dart
taking off like a Hart
he would fly like a fart in the wind.
Yet it’s always the same
with Brownie and James.
Oh, when will it ever end?!

If Manning were free
he would buzz like a bee
and complete it to Reggie or Blair.
If Charlie could block
we would see with a shock
that there’s room on the edge for Pierre.

When Sanders is back
the D will attack
with a Session of Powers and might.
They’ll pick up the slack
with a fumble and sack
at the mercy of Robert and Dwight.

Ever wanted to know which Colts player you have the most in common with? Well now’s your chance to find out! This scientifically tested quiz has been proven to render 99.18% accurate results. We spent two months in a windowless, locked laboratory room stocked with coffee and volcano tacos performing heavy market research in order to produce the following 10 simple multiple choice questions, which are designed to help you determine which Colts player you are. You don’t have to be a huge Colts fan like me to take this quiz – it’s for everyone. Leave a comment and tell us which Colts player you most resemble!

Distribution of MLB Fans

Distribution of NBA Fans

Distribution of NFL Fans

So the question we have to ask is, why are these sports so different? Baseball has been around the longest, and it just screams “American” (was it invented here?) so shouldn’t it be the strongest sport with the most fans? Basketball and football are both newer and are played mostly indoors – how appealing is that? Isn’t it more fun to go out to the ballpark, grab a hot dog and a brew, smell the fresh-cut grass, watch the sun set, and sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame?

Today I think I finally realized the answer. It has been sitting there staring me in the face for years, but I just now recognized it. Take a look at the following sets of photographs and see if you can tell which set doesn’t belong:

Set #1: Some Random MLB Players

Set #2: Some Random NBA Players

Set #3: Some Random NFL Players

MLB is definitely the odd man out. Notice the level of ghetto-ness as it increases from set to set. The first set has a bunch of old white dudes and a silly black/latino dude who is the furthest from ghetto you can get. The second set takes a massive leap towards ghetto with the introduction of cornrows, fan punchers, and skull caps, and it even delves into the “crazy” category with The Birdman’s mohawk and tattoos. Finally, the level of ghetto tops the charts in the third set. All the sudden we have gold teeth, egomaniacal freaks, and dudes who actually had to serve hard time in prison for gangster crimes. So, I offer the following conclusion, and while I may not like it and it sort of scares me, as a proud American it is my duty to embrace it, because, hey – it’s science:

America Likes Gangsta!

That actually fits on several levels. For instance, look how the U.S. goes into other countries and bullies them like the gangster thugs we are. No one is immune to our gats and colt 45s. No one! Baseball: sorry, but America has dropped you like you’re hot!

If some dude was transplanted from 50 years ago to a conversation happening today between two people about a third person, that dude would most likely get the wrong impression about the person being discussed. That’s because words can have different meanings based on such variables as A) what time period the word is used, B) the vocal inflection or body language accompanying the words, and C) who the person in question is. For instance, the word “dude” used to probably mean something more specific than it does now. We call everyone a dude, but back then I think it had something to do with a dude ranch or something. I’m not going to look it up, but you get the idea.

Well, today I want to focus in on one of the variables I mentioned, and that is who the person in question is, or more specifically, what gender the person is. This type of thing is discussed ad nauseum in stand-up comic routines about the differences in men and women. So, I decided to make it unique by expressing my ideas not in front of a live studio audience, but via my blog. That makes it different right? No? Well how about this: mine will be way funnier and more true. Actually I probably can’t pull that off. That leaves me only one optoin: embed a Youtube video at the end of the post. Beat that, Jim Gaffagan!

Here is a list of adjectives used to describe people, followed by what that adjective really means. Notice how they unfortunately differ based on whether or not you are talking about a man or a woman:

As promised, here is the bonus video. It’s by DJ Steve Porter, the same guy who did the NFL remix “You Play To Win The Game”. Remember the Pants On The Ground dude from American Idol? Here is the remix:

Check out how original, relevant, and emotionally deep these Nickelback lyrics are:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life”
-Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

Don’t take the free ride in your own life.
Don’t take the free ride in your own life.

There’s just so many ways you can read that, man. It’s like:

Do not steal the free ride inside of the life that’s already only your own.

I won’t. I will not.

Neither does Belichick:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So go for it on 4th and 2 with the Colts six points nigh
With only three minutes left, cause Brady is your guy”
-Bill Belichick, interpreting Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

I just need to vent for a second about the coverage that I have seen in the media regarding the 11/16/09 Sunday night Colts vs. Patriots game, and this is just in the 12 hours after the game. I’m not going to waste a lot of your time, and I wasn’t going to do a post about the game because it sort of speaks for itself. But by golly someone needs to stand up and defend the Colts against this biased, band-wagon jumping, star-struck, Tom Brady-loving nation.

ESPN’s game recap is here (specifically 3 minutes in).

First of all, Trent Dilfer’s an idiot. He mentions that the Pats’ playing style changed once they were up 2 touchdowns, e.g. they weren’t applying “the same defensive pressure”. Just last year Trent Dilfer was sitting in that same chair defending the Pats for running up the score on the Browns/Jets (whoever) because of the fact that “Belichick never changes his playing style due to the score”. Trent Dilfer, you contradict your own statements, and you say whatever you think will not get you fired from ESPN, and thus you are a stupid sell-out idiot.

He goes on to agree that the Pats are a much better team than the Colts. In fact, all three anchors admit this nonchalantly as if the Colts didn’t just beat the Patriots. WITH HALF OF THE TEAM OUT ON INJURY.

Seriously, Sportscenter?

Let me explain how a football game works to you telecommunications degree college dropout washed-up retired mediocre NFL player-turned-commentators: the Patriots scored 34 points, and the Colts scored 35 points. Points don’t hold a higher value when they are scored in the 2nd quarter as opposed to the 4th quarter (in fact you could argue that the opposite is true, which makes you even more wrong, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt). Points also don’t increase the longer you have them. This isn’t bank interest, it’s a damned point in a damned football game. If you take 35 and you subtract 34, that leaves you with 1 – which is the score margin between the Colts and the Patriots, which means the Colts won, and thus out-played the Patriots.

Hold on a second – what about outside forces, such as cheating or bad officiating? I will now address that issue:

NFL’s game recap is here (specifically 2:30 – and everything Deion Sanders says).

Deion Sanders says for us to “watch the yellow line.” Deion: WHAT? I could say so many things about how I hate everything about the way that you choose to be:

1) The yellow line is not official
2) The view was not perpendicular to the yellow line, so the angle is not appropriate to judge the play (the official WAS perpendicular to the 1st down marker, unlike TV viewers)
3) Just because at one point in time a receiver is in front of a yellow line doesn’t mean that he can’t run back behind it. I bet you would love to give the Pats an unlimited forward progress pass if you could get away with it, wouldn’t you?
4) In the NFL when you bobble the ball you do not have possession. By the time the receiver obtained control of the ball AND his foot came down, the ball was clearly behind the yellow line.

It’s just another example of how the media loves to distract us with side issues instead of actually giving credit to the Colts for playing all 60 minutes of the football game. In my opinion, I think they’re threatened by us.

Something all these talking heads have in common throughout their analysis is that Belichick lost this game by going for it on 4th and 2. That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever because the Patriots have the highest 4th down conversion rate of any team, plus it was only 2 yards. If they got the 1st down the game would pretty much be over because the worst case scenario for the Pats would be that the Colts would have to drive all the way down the field and score a touchdown with 20 seconds and no timeouts. I’m sick of the focus, once again, being taken off the Colts and put on an irrelevant side issue. THE COLTS STOPPED THE 4TH DOWN CONVERSION BECAUSE OF A GREAT DEFENSIVE STAND. Nothing else needs to be said about this issue.

One more thing. I watch Sportscenter on ESPN 4-5 days a week, and I have been doing so for almost 3 years. I have noticed that the news stories almost never feature the Colts, even though we’re 9-0 and clearly one of the best, if not the best, teams in the NFL. For some reason ESPN has this huge aversion to the Colts. I don’t know what it is, but I’m afraid there is still a stigma placed on the Colts for leaving Baltimore in 1984, and I have several examples of specific instances where ESPN and other networks have alluded to this. Come on now, has 25 years not been enough time to dry your eyes, Baltimore? Jeez.

Thank you for letting me vent, blog. I will buy you a sweet tea from McDonald’s tonight. But only if they’re still a dollar.

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Below you will notice that I have embedded a convenient countdown timer for your benefit. Except I couldn’t specify a time, so it’s counting down to midnight of September 9th. Close enough.

Around this time every year I usually do a blog post to get us hyped up for football season. For the 2007 season I posted an awesome Nike commercial that gets you hyped up no matter what. For the 2008 season I posted a funny Jim Mora commercial that will make you laugh as well as get you hyped up no matter what. Sometimes I even do it mid-year, like in December 2007 when I hit you with a post with awesome NFL photos which is guaranteed to make you wish you played in the NFL and also get you hyped up no matter what.

This year I have been inspired by the sound of music. I have obtained samples of all the various NFL themes. You will be surprised at how many of these you know, and how you didn’t realize they were actually different songs. Even if you’re a girl, or are not a football fan, or both, I guarantee you will recognize 90% of these themes. You won’t know how, but you’ll recognize them, I promise.

We’ll start with one that every Colts fan should know, since Colts games usually air on CBS. Here is the NFL on CBS theme, which I find resembles the soundtrack from the game Killer Instinct Gold, especially at :20 seconds in:

NFL on CBS

Next is one that everyone knows, and is probably one of the most recognizable themes (not one of my favorites, however). It’s the NFL on FOX theme, and I can’t help but to think of that retarded dancing robot on the bottom-left corner of the screen when I listen to it.

NFL on FOX

Here’s one that I’m not sure is used anymore. It’s the Monday Night Football theme from back when it was on ABC.

Monday Night Football on ABC

Here is the new MNF theme since it has been broadcast on ESPN. This theme is better than the ABC version in my opinion. I think this is actually a really old theme from the 70s that has been modernized. Anyway, here it is, and it will get you real real hyped up.

Monday Night Football on ESPN

Oh boy, I can’t wait for this next one. It’s the NFL on NBC (mainly Sunday Night Football games) and it gets my heart a’racing. It sounds like it’s from Indiana Jones or something. I swear this is by John Williams, it has to be:

NFL on NBC

And now for the theme that is guaranteed to make you leave work and go home and sit on the couch and stare at your television until September 10th, 2009 without eating or sleeping. It is the awe-inspiring Thursday Night Football theme from NFL Networks. I guarantee you when you first start listening to this you will get chills down your spine.

Thursday Night Football on NFL Networks

And now for a couple retired themes. First, my favorite theme of all time, NFL on CBS from the 1990s. I don’t know what’s up with the announcing, but at least you can hear the theme at the beginning.

NFL on CBS – 90s era

*UPDATE – Better version w/o announcing (originally posted version below it):*

Originally posted version:

Second, a theme that I’m finding is more obscure than I thought. I have a friend who is a musical genius and has created a medley of NFL themes on piano. I love what he does, but there is a theme that is missing from his repertoire, and I’ve tried to hum it to him to spark his memory to no avail. I really hope he’s reading this because I want him to hear the NFL on NBC theme from the 1990s and include it in his medley from now on.

NFL on NBC – 90s era

BONUS!

While we’re at it, let’s hear some NBA themes. As with the NFL themes, you will be astounded at how these are actually distinct themes. The first one comes to us from the NBA on TNT, where you can find most of the NBA games throughout the year.

NBA on TNT

Next we have the NBA on Fox Sports Net, which I haven’t heard a lot, but I do recognize it. It’s not that great, but worth a listen.

NBA on FSN

This is undoubtedly my favorite current NBA theme song. It is from the NBA on ESPN, and I don’t know why, but it matches basketball so well. I don’t know how someone sat down and thought “I need to make a song and it needs to sound like basketball” and then execute that thought so perfectly. My favorite part is the triumphant horns at :29 seconds in.

NBA on ESPN

And finally one of the most memorable themes of all time. This is no longer used, but back in the 90s when the NBA was in its prime, this is the theme that got everyone pumped up. How can such a simple melody be so memorable and mesmerizing? This particular theme was written by John Tesh and it’s called Roundball Rock. Here is a live performance at Red Rocks and it’s totally worth watching:

NBA on NBC

One thing I thought was interesting was that NBA on NBC has the same kind of sound as Monday Night Football on ABC. What’s your favorite theme? Are there any themes listed that you haven’t heard before? Did I miss a good one? TGM wants to know your thoughts and feelings!

But as much as I’d love to just keep making fun of Chad Botcho-Cinco, there is something that I hate even worse, and that is Twitter. You see, Twitter is like Agent Smith from one of those sequels of The Matrix where he infects people by sticking his hand into them and they become a replica. One Agent Smith isn’t so hard to handle, but a thousand of them is a different story. Well Twitter is infecting us and turning us into mindless drones that perpetuate it’s existence. I am the Neo of the world of Twitter. I don’t know why I have been given this extreme responsibility, but I am taking it very seriously and I will not stop until Twitter becomes the Internet equivalent of Creed (it will still have a huge following, but at least the rest of the world will make fun of it relentlessly).

The moral of the story here is that it’s not Peyton Manning or Tony Gonzales that’s wanting to Twitter, it’s the dumbest player in the league. It’s only fitting that he would be the one that wants to use the dumbest service on the web during games. Do you really want to be using the same thing that a guy like Chad Johnson is using?

It is a husband’s responsibility to zing his wife back. If he doesn’t, the ensuing relationship is his own fault. However if my wife ever smiled at me as condescendingly as the woman in this commercial I would probably throw up all my lunches from the past 4 days straight into her little bowl of soggy oat rings. It literally makes me gag just watching it. It makes me GOL (that’s a real thing starting now).

Seriously, Multigrain Cheerios?! Do you think men are really this petrified of their wives? Also of note: what kind of slogan is “Because it tastes good”? That’s almost as bad as Rally’s “You gotta eat!”

I’m not a fan of how men are being portrayed on commercials and sitcoms and pretty much anything on TV these days. If men are really this dumb and women are really this insidious, how is anyone getting together? Especially if they’re as ogre-ish as the actors in the Multigrain commercial? As usual, Seinfeld has the answer:

Don’t get me wrong, men are very stupid. I am a very stupid man and I do stupid things every single day. I also witness other men doing stupid things all the time. We don’t do it on purpose (usually), it’s just who we naturally are. But as much as it is in our nature to be stupid, there is one thing that is not in our nature, and that is to be scared of things. And “things” includes women.

My wife and I have been commenting on this phenomenon for years. We will see a commercial with the obligatory scene of a husband and wife about to engage in some banter, and we will frequently predict that the woman is going to be the smart one and the man is going to be the ridiculous idiot who gets no respect from his wife (or his kids – but that’s a different story). My wife is just as sick of this message as me.

But there is hope. Someone out there had the same thoughts as me and decided to go to marketing school and get a job at a big marketing firm so they could make this commercial:

It starts off like all the rest, but then *gasp* the man actually zings the woman back! It just feels so right. Bravo T-Mobile commercial writer! Couples of the world: rise up and bust each others’ chops, starting now!

This is a video of Kobe dunking on Chris “Birdman” Anderson. The Nuggets, however, won the game and tied the Western Conference Finals series at 1-1. Both games have been decided by 3 or less points. Kobe is 6′-6″ tall. Chris Anderson has 19 tattoos. 41% of Jack Nicholson’s brain is composed of a hip replacement. 2/5 of the preceding stats were possibly fabricated.

You should probably be watching the NBA finals. You do not have to enjoy watching basketball in order to enjoy the playoffs. Plus American Idol, Lost, and 24 are all over, so what else are you going to watch? Don’t say My Name Is Earl because it was just canceled (finally!)