If Mike could dart
taking off like a Hart
he would fly like a fart in the wind.
Yet it’s always the same
with Brownie and James.
Oh, when will it ever end?!

If Manning were free
he would buzz like a bee
and complete it to Reggie or Blair.
If Charlie could block
we would see with a shock
that there’s room on the edge for Pierre.

When Sanders is back
the D will attack
with a Session of Powers and might.
They’ll pick up the slack
with a fumble and sack
at the mercy of Robert and Dwight.

Ever wanted to know which Colts player you have the most in common with? Well now’s your chance to find out! This scientifically tested quiz has been proven to render 99.18% accurate results. We spent two months in a windowless, locked laboratory room stocked with coffee and volcano tacos performing heavy market research in order to produce the following 10 simple multiple choice questions, which are designed to help you determine which Colts player you are. You don’t have to be a huge Colts fan like me to take this quiz – it’s for everyone. Leave a comment and tell us which Colts player you most resemble!

Distribution of MLB Fans

Distribution of NBA Fans

Distribution of NFL Fans

So the question we have to ask is, why are these sports so different? Baseball has been around the longest, and it just screams “American” (was it invented here?) so shouldn’t it be the strongest sport with the most fans? Basketball and football are both newer and are played mostly indoors – how appealing is that? Isn’t it more fun to go out to the ballpark, grab a hot dog and a brew, smell the fresh-cut grass, watch the sun set, and sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame?

Today I think I finally realized the answer. It has been sitting there staring me in the face for years, but I just now recognized it. Take a look at the following sets of photographs and see if you can tell which set doesn’t belong:

Set #1: Some Random MLB Players

Set #2: Some Random NBA Players

Set #3: Some Random NFL Players

MLB is definitely the odd man out. Notice the level of ghetto-ness as it increases from set to set. The first set has a bunch of old white dudes and a silly black/latino dude who is the furthest from ghetto you can get. The second set takes a massive leap towards ghetto with the introduction of cornrows, fan punchers, and skull caps, and it even delves into the “crazy” category with The Birdman’s mohawk and tattoos. Finally, the level of ghetto tops the charts in the third set. All the sudden we have gold teeth, egomaniacal freaks, and dudes who actually had to serve hard time in prison for gangster crimes. So, I offer the following conclusion, and while I may not like it and it sort of scares me, as a proud American it is my duty to embrace it, because, hey – it’s science:

America Likes Gangsta!

That actually fits on several levels. For instance, look how the U.S. goes into other countries and bullies them like the gangster thugs we are. No one is immune to our gats and colt 45s. No one! Baseball: sorry, but America has dropped you like you’re hot!

Check out how original, relevant, and emotionally deep these Nickelback lyrics are:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life”
-Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

Don’t take the free ride in your own life.
Don’t take the free ride in your own life.

There’s just so many ways you can read that, man. It’s like:

Do not steal the free ride inside of the life that’s already only your own.

I won’t. I will not.

Neither does Belichick:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So go for it on 4th and 2 with the Colts six points nigh
With only three minutes left, cause Brady is your guy”
-Bill Belichick, interpreting Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

I just need to vent for a second about the coverage that I have seen in the media regarding the 11/16/09 Sunday night Colts vs. Patriots game, and this is just in the 12 hours after the game. I’m not going to waste a lot of your time, and I wasn’t going to do a post about the game because it sort of speaks for itself. But by golly someone needs to stand up and defend the Colts against this biased, band-wagon jumping, star-struck, Tom Brady-loving nation.

ESPN’s game recap is here (specifically 3 minutes in).

First of all, Trent Dilfer’s an idiot. He mentions that the Pats’ playing style changed once they were up 2 touchdowns, e.g. they weren’t applying “the same defensive pressure”. Just last year Trent Dilfer was sitting in that same chair defending the Pats for running up the score on the Browns/Jets (whoever) because of the fact that “Belichick never changes his playing style due to the score”. Trent Dilfer, you contradict your own statements, and you say whatever you think will not get you fired from ESPN, and thus you are a stupid sell-out idiot.

He goes on to agree that the Pats are a much better team than the Colts. In fact, all three anchors admit this nonchalantly as if the Colts didn’t just beat the Patriots. WITH HALF OF THE TEAM OUT ON INJURY.

Seriously, Sportscenter?

Let me explain how a football game works to you telecommunications degree college dropout washed-up retired mediocre NFL player-turned-commentators: the Patriots scored 34 points, and the Colts scored 35 points. Points don’t hold a higher value when they are scored in the 2nd quarter as opposed to the 4th quarter (in fact you could argue that the opposite is true, which makes you even more wrong, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt). Points also don’t increase the longer you have them. This isn’t bank interest, it’s a damned point in a damned football game. If you take 35 and you subtract 34, that leaves you with 1 – which is the score margin between the Colts and the Patriots, which means the Colts won, and thus out-played the Patriots.

Hold on a second – what about outside forces, such as cheating or bad officiating? I will now address that issue:

NFL’s game recap is here (specifically 2:30 – and everything Deion Sanders says).

Deion Sanders says for us to “watch the yellow line.” Deion: WHAT? I could say so many things about how I hate everything about the way that you choose to be:

1) The yellow line is not official
2) The view was not perpendicular to the yellow line, so the angle is not appropriate to judge the play (the official WAS perpendicular to the 1st down marker, unlike TV viewers)
3) Just because at one point in time a receiver is in front of a yellow line doesn’t mean that he can’t run back behind it. I bet you would love to give the Pats an unlimited forward progress pass if you could get away with it, wouldn’t you?
4) In the NFL when you bobble the ball you do not have possession. By the time the receiver obtained control of the ball AND his foot came down, the ball was clearly behind the yellow line.

It’s just another example of how the media loves to distract us with side issues instead of actually giving credit to the Colts for playing all 60 minutes of the football game. In my opinion, I think they’re threatened by us.

Something all these talking heads have in common throughout their analysis is that Belichick lost this game by going for it on 4th and 2. That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever because the Patriots have the highest 4th down conversion rate of any team, plus it was only 2 yards. If they got the 1st down the game would pretty much be over because the worst case scenario for the Pats would be that the Colts would have to drive all the way down the field and score a touchdown with 20 seconds and no timeouts. I’m sick of the focus, once again, being taken off the Colts and put on an irrelevant side issue. THE COLTS STOPPED THE 4TH DOWN CONVERSION BECAUSE OF A GREAT DEFENSIVE STAND. Nothing else needs to be said about this issue.

One more thing. I watch Sportscenter on ESPN 4-5 days a week, and I have been doing so for almost 3 years. I have noticed that the news stories almost never feature the Colts, even though we’re 9-0 and clearly one of the best, if not the best, teams in the NFL. For some reason ESPN has this huge aversion to the Colts. I don’t know what it is, but I’m afraid there is still a stigma placed on the Colts for leaving Baltimore in 1984, and I have several examples of specific instances where ESPN and other networks have alluded to this. Come on now, has 25 years not been enough time to dry your eyes, Baltimore? Jeez.

Thank you for letting me vent, blog. I will buy you a sweet tea from McDonald’s tonight. But only if they’re still a dollar.

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Below you will notice that I have embedded a convenient countdown timer for your benefit. Except I couldn’t specify a time, so it’s counting down to midnight of September 9th. Close enough.

Around this time every year I usually do a blog post to get us hyped up for football season. For the 2007 season I posted an awesome Nike commercial that gets you hyped up no matter what. For the 2008 season I posted a funny Jim Mora commercial that will make you laugh as well as get you hyped up no matter what. Sometimes I even do it mid-year, like in December 2007 when I hit you with a post with awesome NFL photos which is guaranteed to make you wish you played in the NFL and also get you hyped up no matter what.

This year I have been inspired by the sound of music. I have obtained samples of all the various NFL themes. You will be surprised at how many of these you know, and how you didn’t realize they were actually different songs. Even if you’re a girl, or are not a football fan, or both, I guarantee you will recognize 90% of these themes. You won’t know how, but you’ll recognize them, I promise.

We’ll start with one that every Colts fan should know, since Colts games usually air on CBS. Here is the NFL on CBS theme, which I find resembles the soundtrack from the game Killer Instinct Gold, especially at :20 seconds in:

NFL on CBS

Next is one that everyone knows, and is probably one of the most recognizable themes (not one of my favorites, however). It’s the NFL on FOX theme, and I can’t help but to think of that retarded dancing robot on the bottom-left corner of the screen when I listen to it.

NFL on FOX

Here’s one that I’m not sure is used anymore. It’s the Monday Night Football theme from back when it was on ABC.

Monday Night Football on ABC

Here is the new MNF theme since it has been broadcast on ESPN. This theme is better than the ABC version in my opinion. I think this is actually a really old theme from the 70s that has been modernized. Anyway, here it is, and it will get you real real hyped up.

Monday Night Football on ESPN

Oh boy, I can’t wait for this next one. It’s the NFL on NBC (mainly Sunday Night Football games) and it gets my heart a’racing. It sounds like it’s from Indiana Jones or something. I swear this is by John Williams, it has to be:

NFL on NBC

And now for the theme that is guaranteed to make you leave work and go home and sit on the couch and stare at your television until September 10th, 2009 without eating or sleeping. It is the awe-inspiring Thursday Night Football theme from NFL Networks. I guarantee you when you first start listening to this you will get chills down your spine.

Thursday Night Football on NFL Networks

And now for a couple retired themes. First, my favorite theme of all time, NFL on CBS from the 1990s. I don’t know what’s up with the announcing, but at least you can hear the theme at the beginning.

NFL on CBS – 90s era

*UPDATE – Better version w/o announcing (originally posted version below it):*

Originally posted version:

Second, a theme that I’m finding is more obscure than I thought. I have a friend who is a musical genius and has created a medley of NFL themes on piano. I love what he does, but there is a theme that is missing from his repertoire, and I’ve tried to hum it to him to spark his memory to no avail. I really hope he’s reading this because I want him to hear the NFL on NBC theme from the 1990s and include it in his medley from now on.

NFL on NBC – 90s era

BONUS!

While we’re at it, let’s hear some NBA themes. As with the NFL themes, you will be astounded at how these are actually distinct themes. The first one comes to us from the NBA on TNT, where you can find most of the NBA games throughout the year.

NBA on TNT

Next we have the NBA on Fox Sports Net, which I haven’t heard a lot, but I do recognize it. It’s not that great, but worth a listen.

NBA on FSN

This is undoubtedly my favorite current NBA theme song. It is from the NBA on ESPN, and I don’t know why, but it matches basketball so well. I don’t know how someone sat down and thought “I need to make a song and it needs to sound like basketball” and then execute that thought so perfectly. My favorite part is the triumphant horns at :29 seconds in.

NBA on ESPN

And finally one of the most memorable themes of all time. This is no longer used, but back in the 90s when the NBA was in its prime, this is the theme that got everyone pumped up. How can such a simple melody be so memorable and mesmerizing? This particular theme was written by John Tesh and it’s called Roundball Rock. Here is a live performance at Red Rocks and it’s totally worth watching:

NBA on NBC

One thing I thought was interesting was that NBA on NBC has the same kind of sound as Monday Night Football on ABC. What’s your favorite theme? Are there any themes listed that you haven’t heard before? Did I miss a good one? TGM wants to know your thoughts and feelings!

But as much as I’d love to just keep making fun of Chad Botcho-Cinco, there is something that I hate even worse, and that is Twitter. You see, Twitter is like Agent Smith from one of those sequels of The Matrix where he infects people by sticking his hand into them and they become a replica. One Agent Smith isn’t so hard to handle, but a thousand of them is a different story. Well Twitter is infecting us and turning us into mindless drones that perpetuate it’s existence. I am the Neo of the world of Twitter. I don’t know why I have been given this extreme responsibility, but I am taking it very seriously and I will not stop until Twitter becomes the Internet equivalent of Creed (it will still have a huge following, but at least the rest of the world will make fun of it relentlessly).

The moral of the story here is that it’s not Peyton Manning or Tony Gonzales that’s wanting to Twitter, it’s the dumbest player in the league. It’s only fitting that he would be the one that wants to use the dumbest service on the web during games. Do you really want to be using the same thing that a guy like Chad Johnson is using?

This is a video of Kobe dunking on Chris “Birdman” Anderson. The Nuggets, however, won the game and tied the Western Conference Finals series at 1-1. Both games have been decided by 3 or less points. Kobe is 6′-6″ tall. Chris Anderson has 19 tattoos. 41% of Jack Nicholson’s brain is composed of a hip replacement. 2/5 of the preceding stats were possibly fabricated.

You should probably be watching the NBA finals. You do not have to enjoy watching basketball in order to enjoy the playoffs. Plus American Idol, Lost, and 24 are all over, so what else are you going to watch? Don’t say My Name Is Earl because it was just canceled (finally!)

Watch all of these videos. They get really good towards the bottom. Hint hint. What I mean by hint hint is that is they get funny. You gotta be kidding me that I have to spell things out like that.

Yao Ming

Note the blatant travel right before the shot and the really bad high five at the end. If I was the official I don’t know which one I’d call. Ahhhh… Chinamen.

Kobe Bryant

Look how completely wide open Walton (#4) is after he sets his illegal moving pick. Yet Kobe takes the shot, despite being defended by two people. If he would’ve missed I would’ve been pissed if I was Walton.

Carmelo Anthony

The only guy to smile after he does something amazing. Everyone else gets all serious and angry at their amazing play, but Carmelo must be just having a good old time when he’s out there. Notice how a butt takes up 90% of the picture at the end.

Dwight Howard

See if you can spot the bald Bill Cosby in the stands after the dunk. Also of note: Tayshon Prince is a bitch.

LeBron James

There are no snide remarks I can make here. LeBron James is by far the best player in the NBA right now, and he is probably the funnest person to watch (although my money’s on Brian Scalabrine for a 1-on-1 matchup against any player). Fine – you want a cynical remark for this video? OK, watch Paul Pierce wince and contort his face like a baby as he rolls off the pick. I already know what kind of person Paul Pierce is in real life based solely on this video.

Teen Wolf

Only Teen Wolf could jump facing the basket, begin descending from his jump, and then suddenly be at the rim doing a backwards two-handed dunk. Only that Teen Wolf.

Brian Scalabrine Wanna-be

Any white guy who wears a headband and plays basketball will henceforth be referred to as Brian Scalabrine.

Sasha Vujacic (prounounced “voo-ya-chick” FYI)

If you want an example of how not to play defense, watch the following instructional video courtesy of Sasha Vooyabitch. Who is the person that tried to comfort him on the bench? Probably his mom or his grandma or his nanny or his wet nurse. Too far.

Eddie House Gets Slapped

This just happened like two days ago. The Celtics were winning by 20 and Eddie House is like “not enough, I’m going to make it 23″ and busts a three in Rafer Alston’s face. What is the logical next step if you’re Rafer Alston? Try to mount a comeback? Not let it bother you? Remember it’s just a game? NOT IF YOU’RE A REAL MAN. Open-hand bitch slap the guy who just hit the shot. That way you don’t get ejected since it’s not technically a “punch”, and a bonus is you knock the guy’s headband lose so maybe it will fall in his eyes the next time he attempts to make a fool out of you. DO NOT mess with Rafer Alston.

Kevin McHale – Best One Ever

I could go on and on about this one, but it speaks for itself. (The previous videos did not speak for themselves and I had to spell everything out for you so you would get the jokes and observations which you might not have otherwise gotten)

Celtics vs. Magic tonight at 7PM and Lakers vs. Rockets at 9PM, both on ESPN. More amazing stuff like this will probably happen, so you should watch them and become a part of the casual NBA playoff watching club.

I know a few guys that have the desire to watch roller derby too (I still think it exists mainly for and because of feminist lesbians – it’s like women’s softball except it doesn’t have the companion sport of men’s softball to garner interest from the other half of the population – I’m not hating, just stating…), but it’s a fact that roller derby takes itself too seriously when clearly it’s not meant to be taken seriously in the first place. Um, I hope. Come on The Garden of Heathen – seriously? Wait, stop, everyone listen to that word I just typed: HEATHEN. You can’t ignore that word. No, I’m not being overly sensitive. A heathen is an unconverted member of a people or nation that does not acknowledge the God of the Bible.

My point is, either roller derby doesn’t take itself seriously (hence the “heathen” stuff), or it DOES take itself seriously. If the former is true, then I’m right and it’s just a passing fad like the Skippit and it can go away now because it’s already cliched. If the latter is true, then I’m wrong but we have a much bigger problem here folks: no one believes in God anymore.

Sorry for the depressing/self-righteous post. This ought to patch things up between us: