When you’re talking about the top five hottest things right now, you have to think about all the popular things that everybody likes, and then you gotta just take the top five of them.

That sentence was written in homage to the great John Madden, because, yes, this post is very madden-esque and I’m totally pointing out the obvious. Still, it is fun to see how dominating certain franchises, institutions, and brands really are. Everyone knows Google is the largest search engine, but sometimes it’s fun to see just how much more successful it is than Yahoo and MSN.

How did I choose this list? Well, it could have been something like Coke, McDonald’s, Nike, John Deere, and Chrysler (jk Chrysler). But those things are old, and I wanted this to be a list of things that are particularly hot right now. That means things that have seen fairly large growth over recent years, and have clearly shown their superiority in what once was a competitive market.

So, without further ado, I give you the top five hottest things right now, listed in order of market share dominance.

#5. NFL

Market Share

30%

NFL is 15% higher than the next highest competitor, which is MLB at 15%. Market share has risen 6 points since 1985, while baseball has dropped 8 points in the same time period. More women watched the Super Bowl than the Academy Awards.

source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

The NFL is not over-saturated and spread thin like MLB or NBA, as it only has 16 regular season games versus 82 games (NBA) and 162 (MLB), and is thus easier to keep up with (IMO). It is much more complicated of a game, with many more rules than most other sports because of all the possible situations that can arise. And unlike the NBA/MLB, you can’t buy yourself a dynasty. For the last 50 years the Yankees and the Lakers/Celtics/Bulls have been in dang near every championship in their respective sport. Conversely, read these NFL football facts:

• Of the 32 teams, 27 have made the playoffs in the past five years.
• The NFC has sent seven different teams to the Super Bowl in the past seven years.
• Three teams — Baltimore, New Orleans and Philadelphia — went from last in their division to first in 2006.
• For 11 straight seasons, at least five of the 12 playoff teams were not in the postseason the year before.
• One of every six games last year was decided in the final two minutes, or overtime. One of every four was won by three or fewer points.

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

There are only two reasons the NFL doesn’t have 100% of the market. One is because it’s only on for barely 5 months out of the year, leaving 7 months that have to be filled with other sports by default. The only other reason is because there happen to be a lot of gay men in the world, and they would rather watch gymnastics and swimming, and that’s just the way it is God bless ‘em.

#4. Nintendo Wii

Market Share

47%

Wii is 16% higher than the next highest competitor, which is the Xbox 360 at 31%. Market share was at an all-time high of 65.6% in April 2008. The Wii has sold 56.14 million units in three years, which is over $14 billion in revenue, which does not include games or peripherals.

source, source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

The Nintendo Wii is the front-runner of the 7th generation of console wars. Everyone either has one or is planning to get one, and the demographics range from ages 5 to 85 (although it should be noted that, similarly to the game Catch Phrase, Wii skills significantly drop off precisely at age 40). It is compact, glossy, soft-white, cute, and comes with wireless controllers, which means that your wife allows you to keep it in the living room. There are only a few buttons on the remote, which means the learning curve is shallow. It’s very entertaining to bust out at parties and it takes some of the pressure off of hosting – another plus in the wife column. Finally, it’s geared towards the casual gamer, comprising a large majority of the overall market.

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

Simply put: technology. It doesn’t have HDMI outputs and is not capable of hi-def graphics or 7.1 surround sound. Because it is geared towards the casual gamer, hardcore gamers tend to go for the Xbox 360 or the PS3 (or PC for true gamers) due to their expanded selection of maturer games (shooters and games with more adult content). Also, you cannot use it to play DVDs, let alone HDDVDs (LOL) or BluRays.

#3. Facebook

Market Share

46%

Facebook is 26% higher than the next highest competitor, which is MySpace at 20%. Within Facebook is an application called Farmville, which at 69 million users has more users than all of Twitter. In August 2008 Facebook acquired 100 million users, and one year later it jumped to 300 million.

source, source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

Facebook opened up their community from college students to the whole world. Then they did something even smarter: they opened up their site for third party development by allowing Facebook Apps. Then they told everyone on Facebook to tell their moms and grandmas about it and BAM – 300 million users. They have appealed to every demographic there is: kids, old people, software developers, entrepreneurs, extroverts, introverts, emo Twilight fans – you name it. When you create a product that thousands of other people can use to make big bucks for themselves, you have created a self-perpetuating product, and thus a successful product.

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

There is a formula for this, and it’s not very pleasant but it needs to be expressed:

Sexual Predators + Privatized Facebook Profiles + Large Portion Of MySpace Users Are Dumb = MySpace Market Share Increase

There is another formula that has recently been submitted, and it can be expressed thus:

Casual Facebook Users + Surge Of Grandmas Logging On = Deletion Of Accounts

However, this formula does not impact the overall market share, so it has been overlooked by many analysts.

#2. World of Warcraft

Market Share

62%

WoW is 54% higher than the next highest competitor, which is Runescape at 8%. WoW has surpassed 12 million monthly subscribers, with 40% of players possibly addicted. WoW takes in over $2 billion in subscription revenue per year, which does not include the cost of the actual game or expansion packs. That is 20% of what the entire video game industry was in 2004.

source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

Where to begin? I’ll just start writing steam of consciousness starting now: shallow learning curve, balanced factions and classes, unique graphics and game engine, fast & polished combat system, thousands of weapons and pieces of gear, unlimited & ever-increasing content, up to 40 man cooperative raids, competitive guild systems, insanely easy to use content patch software, scalable game graphics (runs on any old computer), user base is comprised of lots of casual gamers, extremely satisfying & addicting leveling system.

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

I suspect all the subscribers to other games such as Runescape and Everquest also have WoW accounts, in which case you could make the argument that it has 100% of the market covered. Yes, there are a few people out there with Pop Aversion Theory™, but they’re not fooling anyone.

#1. Apple iPod

Market Share

71%

Apple is 60% higher than the next highest competitor, which is Creative at 11%. Of the top 10 individual MP3 players on the market, 9 are made by Apple.

source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

Hardware, hardware, hardware. No other company consistently releases new innovations in hardware like Apple. From the click wheel to the color screen to music videos to cover flow view to recording video to the touch screen to WiFi access, Apple has upgraded its music players nearly every year since their inception. Also, companies like Microsoft and Creative do not have online music stores. Apple’s iTunes is still the largest online music store, and it really only works with the iPod, so guess which MP3 player people tend to buy? They also come in lots of trendy colors, which makes girls love them too. One time I tried to buy a Nano at the store but all they had was pretty pink, blondie blue, girly green, and ovarian orange (or something like that).

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

No matter how great your product is, someone will figure out a way to make a way crappier and less feature-rich version for less money. Creative did this with its Sensa model, and everyone who shops at Walmart bought two each from a Bleak Friday kiosk. What they didn’t know was the Sensa is programmed to play 666 songs and then disintegrate.

There you have it. Maybe I’ll revisit this list in 20 years and it will be Roller Derby, Nintendo Virtual Boy 2, eHarmony Apps, Grand Theft Auto Online, and, uh, iPod again.

Two years ago today, on April 4th, 2007, the Gimcrack Miscellany (at that point named “B”) dove into the annals of Interwebbery with its first post. Since then, lives have been changed, baby kittens have been born and slaughtered (probably somewhere – I know that’s harsh), Taco Bell’s Volcano Taco has come and gone, thesixtyone.com rocked my world and now it sucks (maybe not to me, but to a lot of people), Cloverfield came out, Twitter made the world retarded, and your mom started using the word “fail” more often than an inner-city high school English teacher.

You know what hasn’t changed? How awesome TGM is. It is awesome.

I’m going to toot my own horn here and give you my top 5 favorite TGM posts from the last 2 years. Out of 183 posts (with a total of 939 comments – probably mostly about Katy Perry’s boobs… /wrists), these are the best of the best (IMO).

5. Celebrities Die In Threes, And So Do Cats

Read this one if you like really scary animal attacks (where people are still alive at the end) and if you want to see where Reference Burst Theory™ originated.

4. Cephalopod Reference Burst Theory™ Rears Its Bulbous Head

Read this one if you love crazy coincidences that can’t be explained.

2. Fire

Read this one if you are interested in natural phenomena and you want to see amazing videos about the crazy things fire can do.

3. Radiohead @ Deer Creek

Read this if you’re at all a Radiohead fan. Footage from the concert!

1. Top 5 Worst Films Ever

Read this if you love to hate really bad movies.

Happy birthday TGM! We love you and are indebted to you!

So you got married. Good for you! You are now living in perfect harmony with a fellow human being of the opposite sex (assuming you’re not gay). Not that gay people are living in perfect harmony. I meant they would not be living with someone of the opposite sex, so the first part still applies. Except, if you’re a lesbian – then you don’t care about “man zones” so it might not apply to you.

Anyway whoever you are and whatever your story, you thought you would be living in perfect harmony, right? At least you were hopeful of that, right? Well as you’ve probably found out, that isn’t possible. But, you can give your relationship a real boost in the direction of perfect harmony by being proactive and adhering to techniques that our forefathers have passed down to us.

One thing that can really help you out (or hurt you if you lose control of it) is creating a “man zone” for yourself and your fellow idiot man friends who have also ended their lives in marriage (I mean that in a positive way). A man zone is defined simply as follows:

Man Zone: a confined area in or around your place of living that your wife isn’t allowed to decorate.

I know, pretty simple definition. But therein lies its genius. If your wife isn’t allowed to decorate it, she won’t want to be in it, and if she’s not in it, it becomes a man zone.

Here are five of the best places for planting your flag and saying “mine!” before your wife gets a chance. As you will probably discover throughout the list, it might be easier than you think since your wife is unlikely to desire most of these areas in the first place.

5. Game Room

Usage

All men possess two interests: 1) the desire to destroy things with hammers, and 2) the desire to be a kid again. The latter is the reason we make game rooms. Game rooms are usually created in a second or third bedroom (the higher the number, the higher the zone’s success rate) and contain things like computers, gaming consoles, bean bag chairs, arcade machines, and Monopoly. Boys look forward to becoming men so they can buy all the sweet toys they can’t yet afford. You’ll also see remnants of the man’s childhood, usually in the form of old Star Wars figurines atop dusty shelves in the corner. Also, as the picture above suggests, there will be at least one reference to popular culture, like Simpsons paraphernalia or a Scarface poster.

Drawbacks

While you will take every effort to make this zone unappealing to women by leaving old pizza crusts on the floor, your wife will inevitably desire to come in and play Ms. Pacman. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very fun activity that can strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and seems in theory to be a good idea, but it won’t be long before you enter your man zone and see a new throw pillow on the futon. That throw pillow is a direct warning signal that your man zone is under attack.

The Anti-Zone

To give you a perspective of how a woman might view a game room man zone, I will give you an example of the equivalent woman zone, termed the “anti-zone”. In this case, the anti-zone is the kitchen. You don’t desire to be in this room since you have no idea how to cook, but you’re willing to enter from time to time to grab a beer out of the fridge.

4. Deck

Usage

When men get bored of renovating the inside of their houses, they turn to the back yard. A deck is an essential part of a back yard because it acts as a safe perimeter with which to protect the almighty bbq grill. A proper deck is surrounded by a wooden ledge to clearly mark where this zone begins and ends, and is raised off the ground proportional to the amount of power the man thinks he holds in his marriage. A deck is simply a tree house for men, with the addition of cigars, beer, and brats. And you don’t have to climb anything to get to it. (Some would say this is because men get lazier with age, but the real reason is because they get smarter).

Drawbacks

If you don’t engineer your deck with the utmost care, women will have to walk across it to get to their flower bed. A lot of men have overcome this obstacle by building multi-level decks, and putting all the important stuff on the highest point so the commonfolk can still utilize the lower parts of the deck without intruding on your space. This is where the term “upper deck” originated.

Anti-Zone

The opposite of a deck is your wife’s vegetable garden. You eat things that come from it, and it looks nice from across the yard, but that’s about as far as your relationship is allowed to develop.

3. Garage

Usage

While the game room and the deck are used solely for recreational purposes, the garage is the first man zone on the list that actually has a functional purpose. It is your base of operations for you to lovingly fix all of the stuff your wife breaks (I’m not trying to be condescending here. Men break things too, but we never tell you because by the time you come across it we’ve already fixed it).

That is why the garage is higher on the list, because the nature of this zone gives you an almost unlimited number of excuses to be in it. Depending on the size of your garage and how much junk you can fit in the smallest space, it is possible that you will never technically need to leave it to survive. Viewing the image above, you can plainly see that a garage is special because there are two phenomena taking place: 1) men can proudly display their clutter, gadgets, and junk for all the world to see (women created china cabinets and hampers to solve this problem inside the house), and 2) the most sloppy, dirty, disorganized man will suddenly turn into Martha Stewart when it comes to organizing his tools.

Drawbacks

Where the hell else is your wife going to park her car?

Anti-Zone

The anzi-zone to the garage is the foyer. You have no idea where to stand and being in one is really boring.

2. Den

Usage

All men want to be James Bond. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. James Bond is particularly appealing because not only is he skilled at all the physical stuff like car chases and shooting at people, he is also sophisticated. When a man sits in a den with an important looking credenza and a cabinet holding at least one semi-expensive bottle of Scotch, it doesn’t matter how classless and distasteful he is, he will suddenly begin to discuss politics and philosophy. Men need this. It is essential to keep us from becoming Nascar fans.

Also, a den is one of the only practical places in the house where you can put a large flat panel TV and a recliner, which are the man’s equivalent to a large piece of art and a daybed.

Drawbacks

I haven’t thought of any, because I’ve never owned a den. They’re just fantasies in my wildest imagination.

Anti-Zone

The anti-zone of the den is the parlor (or the dining room or the formal room or whatever room has all the stuff you can’t touch). It’s sophisticated, but in a way that is completely foreign to you.

1. Basement

Usage

The basement is the ultimate man zone. You are freaking underground in a cave when you are in a basement. You can make all the noise you can possibly imagine and it is absorbed by the earth around you. You can put drums, home theaters, and other noisy men in a basement. You can put neon signs, shuffleboard, and poker tables in a basement. You are surrounded by all the things your house is powered by, like water heaters, furnaces, and table saws. But best of all, there is a thing you can build in your basement which is desired by all men. We watched a show for years that was completely centered around one. We sometimes pay money at the door just to get into one and sit at it. I’m talking about a bar. And when you build your own bar, you can put whatever crappy beer you want on tap. Just take a look at that picture above. A woman would respond: it looks like a dark, dank, depressing place to be. A man would respond: hey, that’s a Stroh’s light above the railroad crossing sign. I want to go to there.

Drawbacks

Your house could burn down or blow away, and you’d never know the difference. Or care.

Anti-Zone

There is only one place that is fully a basement’s equal and opposite, and that is your wife’s walk-in closet. She sees her crowning achievement, you see a month’s salary in the form of shoes that were only worn once. There’s nothing for you there but despair.

You know how the taste of something is like 50% based on smell, and communication is like 90% based on your body language? Well I submit that commercials are 100% based on the background music.

The genius ad agencies are the ones that grab your attention. It’s hard to grab peoples’ attention using visuals since most people look away during the commercials, plus the fact that we’re constantly barraged with visuals as we’re watching TV, so our eyes become used to constant stimulus.

It’s different with sound. Say you’re watching football, a sitcom, or a reality show. All you hear is constant cheering & play calling, laugh tracks & stupid jokes, and bitching and moaning, respectively. Then comes a commercial break. Time to go get another bowl of ice cream. But wait, where’s that strange, pleasing music coming from? It’s different than the mindless yakking about Taco Bell’s new spicy Volcano Taco, the liar shouting about the over-stock of Kia Sorento inventory, and the overly dramatic “preview voice guy” telling you how the next episode of Bones will blow your mind. You peer back at the TV in awe, and realize what’s playing is a commercial, but you’re enjoying it.

Has this ever happened to you? If it has, it was most likely one of the following top 5 best uses of music in a commercial (that I can remember):

#5. Geico

Geico has spent tons of money on marketing over the last few years. And I thank them for that. Here is one of the best ads from the Caveman series, and it’s due largely to the song they chose to be playing in the background at the airport terminal. It is hip, sophisticated, and modern – which is exactly how Geico is portraying their cavemen.

The song is Remind Me by Royksopp.

#4. Apple iPod

Apple is, of course, a huge player in the music industry with its giant iTunes + iPod venture. It would only follow that they use great songs in their commercials. It’s almost guaranteed that if you get your song featured in an iPod commercial, your record is going platinum. While the commercials featuring CSS, Feist, Yael Naim, and Chairlift are very pleasing to listen to and watch (what’s with Apple’s infatuation with female singers?), my personal favorite was the ad for the iPod Classic that could play music videos.

The song is Original of the Species by U2

#3. Nike

Nike is all about hype. What hypes you up better than music? People listen to it when they work out, right before they go on stage, or just before a football game. Nike has perfected the hype machine, and it’s never been done so flawlessly as it was done in the commercial just before the 2007 football season. I had never been so hyped for something in all my life. The commercial is poingnant by itself, but the music takes it to an epic level. It gives meaning and truth to the game of football, and it essentially elevates it above life itself. Even if you don’t like football, you will almost certainly become hyped by watching this commercial.

The song is based on The Last of the Mohicans soundtrack by Randy Edelman.

#2. Reese’s

Sometimes a brand name has a complete turn-around simply because of a superb marketing department. Take Hardees for instance. They decided they were going to do something that hadn’t been done before and it kept the company alive. Another good example is Reese’s. Remember the commercials about “how X eats his/her Reese’s cup?” Those went out the window, and Hershey’s ushered in a brand new line of advertisements. Simpler. More profound. And with the coolest music I’ve ever heard in a marketing campaign. I only wish the commercials were longer than 20 seconds so I could hear more of the song. I couldn’t choose just one, so here are my three favorites in order:

The song is Needy Girl by Chromeo

The song is (Feels Like) Heaven by Fiction Factory

The song is The Perfect Meltdown by Bones Domingo.

You can download that last one from the Reese’s website or, in case they take away the free download at some point, directly from my website here.

#1. Gears of War

This is the best use of music in a commercial ever. There is something to be said about the contrast between the soft music and the violent visuals. There are no sound effects or voice-overs present, which lets the music completely stand out on its own. It sets this video game ad apart from the rest because it doesn’t have constant sound effects, heavy metal music, and voice-overs telling you about all the features in the game. You are left wondering about the game, and you’re more likely to go find out more, which is exactly what the creators want you to do. It also doesn’t hurt that this song is one of my personal favorites.

The song is Mad World by Gary Jules

Notice, not one of these commercials has a single spoken word. It proves that you don’t need to blabber about your product to sell it. It doesn’t mean you can’t, it just means that it’s not necessary quite so often.

There’s nothing worse than a cliché. They were obviously invented for a good reason. Sometimes you don’t feel like explaining something the old-fashioned way, such as using logic and meaningful words, so it’s easier to just use a cliché.

The problem is people use clichés much too frequently, causing them to A) lose their poignancy and B) get really annoying. Even the word cliché has become a cliché, which has caused a recursive lapse in the time-space continuum – similar to what would happen if you were to make two mirrors reflect each other. Thank goodness no one has ever tried that.

Even more annoying than clichéd words and phrases are film elements, such as plot lines, endings, actors, and characters. Today we will focus on the latter.

On a side note, the price of movie tickets has gotten really, really, ridiculously out of control. Why are we complaining about gas prices? It costs just as much to take your date to a movie as it does to buy the dang DVD. And popcorn I think is up to about 39¢ a kernel.

Focus. These are the top 5 most annoying character clichés in comedy films.

#5. The Cougar

Watch any teen comedy these days and you’re sure to see a scene with a middle-aged lady desperate for sex. In fact, I will guarantee you right now that the next teen comedy you see will feature a 40-something woman married to a rich guy she doesn’t care about. She’ll drink throughout the entire movie and make at least one pass on the main character, who will undoubtedly be a younger attractive “innocent” guy.

I’m going to use Wedding Crashers as an example a lot since it has most of the clichés on this list. Why did they throw in that scene with Ms. Cleary where she flashes John? It wasn’t funny in any way. John’s reaction wasn’t even funny. I’ll tell you why: the screenwriters obviously have delusions about the sex drives of menopausal women. Or maybe it’s actually like that on the west coast. I guess that’s a possibility. Either way, please stop putting this scene in comedy films. It was already annoying 30 years ago when it was in American Pie.

#4. The Talking Baby/Animal

Women have an obsession with babies. Each time a woman has a baby, other women naturally flock to her, put her on a pedestal as if she’s the first woman that has ever given birth to a child, and then savagely fight over who gets to hold her baby. Some call it “love”. I call it “sick obsession”. Anyway, I guess that’s what the directors have in mind when they include scenes with talking babies. They think just having a baby on screen with no logic behind their decision other than pure eye candy for women is a good idea.

Actually, it is a good idea and it can work (John and Kate Plus Eight). However, I must point out a crucial difference. Making a baby talk by digitally moving its mouth and adding voice-overs effectively ruins any (alleged) cuteness of said baby. Babies are cute because they can’t talk (or so I hear). If you were holding a baby and it started making some smart alec comments to you, it would no longer be cute. Some of you are still thinking that it would. You are probably the same people who think it would be fun to only eat chocolate for a week if only you could get away with it. You obviously haven’t read The Chocolate Touch.

By the way, this also goes for animals. You may not realize it, but animals are cute because they’re dumb and can’t talk. If cats could actually talk, we wouldn’t have LOLcats. If walruses could talk, we wouldn’t have LOLruses. If dogs could talk, we wouldn’t have LOLdogs… actually that one wouldn’t be so bad because LOLdogs are completely unfunny. So stop making things talk in movies that aren’t naturally blessed with the ability. (No, it doesn’t include the Narnia movies. We’re talking comedies here.)

#3. The Gay Uncle/Brother

There doesn’t have to be a gay person in every movie. Only 1-3% of our country’s couples are gay, yet there is at least one gay person in every comedy. And they’re always way too over-the-top and creepy. This is probably offensive to homosexuals because they are stereotyped this way in every movie. It is also offensive to me because I don’t agree with people living homosexual lives.

So if it’s offensive to gay people and straight people, that makes up all people. Which means no people will think it’s funny*.

So why do they keep putting really annoying gay people in movies (and sitcoms)? I’ve thought about this and I’ve come up with an explanation. All comedy movie directors are homophobes. Their way of dealing with something that threatens them is to make fun of it, sort of like a bully. Their defense mechanism is to laugh at it. So, they create a gay character, cast them in a bad light in their movies, and make all of us laugh at them.

Please stop doing this. I’m tired of the gay jokes. I’m not in high school any more.

*This list excludes high school boys.

#2. The Angry Kid

Would you please watch this video and tell me what is so funny? Why is the kid so angry? I… I don’t get it. I feel scared and alone.

First of all, are kids really this mean? The answer is no. Second of all, are kids really this mean to strange adults they just met? Absolutely not. Thirdly, is there any ounce of comedic effect present in this gimmick? Hell no.

The disturbing thing is I just knew this kid was going to be this way as soon as the scene started. I remember not being surprised that he was acting this way. Why? Probably because I’ve seen this in so many other comedies. There are waaaaaay too many scenes with angry, know-it-all kids stomping on adults’ feet or punching them in their “adult” places.

What are the directors thinking?

“Hey Bob, I got an idea.”
“Lay it on me, Jeff.”
“You know how people hate spoiled kids? And you know how no one likes to be kicked in the groin?”
“Does the Pope wear a funny hat?”
“Well, what if we created a scene in our comedy with BOTH elements?”
“You are the smartest man in existence.”

#1. The Hip, Vulgar Grandma

This one’s got everything: unfunny, offensive, unrealistic, and disrespectful. That’s why I had to put it at the top of the list. And yet again, it is present in Wedding Crashers.

My grandmas are real nice ladies. My wife’s grandmas are real nice ladies. My friends grandmas are real nice ladies. In fact, I’ve never, ever, ever, ever met a grandma that behaves inappropriately. People get nicer, mellower, and more boring as they get older. It’s science.

It only follows that every comedy should feature a grandma who curses like a sailor and hates everyone in the world, right? Wrong. Not only is it disrespectful to stereotype old people like that (you’re gonna be one someday) along with being unrealistic, it is also offensive.

But the most important thing to note here is that it’s not funny. A grandma at a dinner table spouting obscenities is not funny. I’ll tell you what it is: shock factor, because the audience doesn’t expect it (because it doesn’t happen in real life). Think about it, what do bad stand-up comedians do? They try to get their laughs by shocking the audience. A good stand-up comedian has originality and lets his jokes stand on their own merit.

Yes there are those few cases of ornery old grandpas that are losing their minds and say ridiculous things. And yes, I’ll admit, sometimes it’s a little funny. But is it really necessary to fill the cracks of comedy movies with them? No, I say more actual funny jokes! Stop the laziness!

The next time you go see a comedy, count the clichés and report back so I know to never see that movie. Of course, Wedding Crashers has 4/5 of my top annoying clichés, and I would watch it again in a heart beat. So, was this article even necessary then? Let me answer your question with a question: are any of the articles I post necessary? If you know what the name of this blog means, you know the answer.

This is the list of top 5 most annoying cars on the road. If you bought one of these cars thinking your friends would be jealous, you were duped my friend.

Please note that this solely refers to people who bought these cars brand new, since that’s the only time the playing field is level enough for me to cast judgment. Buying one of these pieces of $hit used is an entirely different story.

5. Neons

Why They’re Annoying
Here’s what a Neon is: a bottom-of-the-line, cheaply-made domestic car for people who can’t afford anything else and get seduced into buying one from the sharks at one of the 10 billion Dodge dealerships at every major intersection in the country. It’s a pile of the junkiest car parts on Earth welded together and wrapped in a shiny coat of paint.

Who Drives Them
College girls (the ones who don’t own Cavaliers) and inner-city white boys who wear wife-beaters and lean their seats back as far as possible.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
Either a Hawaiian lei or a white visor. If you’re really lucky you’ll see both of these items and a man driving the car. I’ve seen this only twice in my entire life.

Playing On The Radio
Chris Brown, Ludacris, or Nelly Furtado (dependent upon sex of the driver)

Level Of Annoying
Pretty annoying, but the fact that there are no Neon drivers over the age of 21 means people grow out of this phase pretty quickly. Usually as soon as they move out of their parents’ house.

What You Should’ve Bought
If you’re spending $14k and you want something young and hip, get something that’s going to last a little bit longer and not tempt you to blast hip hop with all four windows down until your speakers are distorted. I’m thinking something along the lines of a Ford Focus or a Saturn Astra. I wouldn’t hate you if you thought about a Chevy Cobalt even.

4. Sebring Convertibles

Why They’re Annoying
A Sebring convertible tells me you’re in middle management and you think you deserve a luxury car. Well I’ve got news for you, you don’t deserve a luxury car, and this is not one. Crystler excels at making you think you’re buying a luxury car by tacking on a bunch of shiny chrome and filling the interior with fake wood-grain trim. Then when you ask them why it doesn’t cost the same as a luxury car they respond “Are you kidding me!? Look at all that shiny chrome and wood grain. It might as well be a Lexus!”

Who Drives Them
The 25 year old “big shot” with Bluetooth and sunglasses who goes on coffee runs at the law firm he works for. Also, the middle-manager with the corner office (the only corner office without a window). Occasionally you will see an English professor driving a Sebring convertible, but only if he can’t afford a Volkswagon.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
The Sebring convertible owner will sometimes use the rear view mirror as a means to organize the power cords to his XM Radio, GPS navigation, and radar detector.

Playing On The Radio
REO Speedwagon and sports radio.

Level Of Annoying
Very annoying. I don’t usually care to see the faces of the other people on the road. In a Sebring convertible I can not only see your face, but I can see your overly-gelled hair and your $10 tie flapping so furiously in the wind that there’s no possible way you are even remotely comfortable.

What You Should’ve Bought
You don’t need a convertible. Use the extra five thousand dollars you spent on that feature and get a Toyota Camry. It will last twice as long and not say “Hi, I’m a douchebag.” Or use that money to pay off your huge school loans instead of buying a car to try to impress your coworkers.

3. Rams

Why They’re Annoying
We’ve already covered why Dodges suck. It’s all show and no substance with any Dodge car. Dodge Rams are usually very very big, which means you get all that much more showy uselessness wrapped around an even bigger pile of scrap metal that is solely designed to last 50k miles and then break in half as soon as the warranty runs out.

Who Drives Them
Rednecks. Plain and simple.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
There is an assortment of possibilities here. Anything from dog tags to pine tree air fresheners to the little chrome naked lady silhouettes.

Playing On The Radio
Nickleback, Metallica (nothing pre-Load), and country music.

Level Of Annoying
Super annoying. 80% of the time I pass a Ram, the guy driving it looks at me like he wants to fight me. 100% of the time I pass a Ram with my wife in the car with me, the guy driving it looks at her like he wants to “fight” her. I find this unacceptable, but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it because not only could his behemoth truck crush my car under its monstrous tires, the driver could probably crush my body under his monstrous gut.

What You Should’ve Bought
This is a very obvious one. Since you are probably against those damn Jap import brands, that leaves you with two options: an F-150 or a Chevy Silverado. Trust me, they’re way better. Just trust me.

2. Beetles

Why They’re Annoying
Everyone driving a beetle is so happy with life for some reason. Thus, they feel the need to do a few things that really annoy me, such as drive leisurely right in front of me and plaster judgmental stickers all over their back bumpers. Also, Beetles are probably the 3rd ugliest car I can think of. And what’s with all the pastel colors? There are certain color schemes you use for certain things. Pastels are not to be used on the exterior of your car, just like pastels are not to be used on football uniforms. Even girl football uniforms. If there even is such a thing *shudder*.

Who Drives Them
White people, rich college girls, and middle-aged tree-hugging men. Not that Beetles are in any way good for the environment. It must be the connection between Volkswagon Beetles and The Beatles, which leads to Apple Records and Apple Computers, which leads to queer. Making up fake connections like that is what I do best.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
If there aren’t flowers in the flower holder, there is some sort of artsy trinket that was picked up at an art fair – possibly a necklace or some sort of tribal garb.

Playing On The Radio
More often than not, The Beatles. It’s just one big cliche on wheels that can’t be stopped.

Level Of Annoying
Extremely annoying. The absolute worst is seeing a Beetle with one of those equal-sign bumper stickers on the back. Which is 90% of Beetles.

What You Should’ve Bought
So, you want to be young and hip and urban and spend around $20k? You failed, because you should’ve bought a Scion tc. Way more features, way less annoying, and it’s a Toyota, dummy.

1. PT Cruisers

Why They’re Annoying
PT Cruisers are gimmicks meant to trick dumb people into buying a car they think is one-of-a-kind. But since there are so many dumb people in the world, PT Cruisers are everywhere, so they have completely lost their uniqueness. And I swear they’re all purple. Let’s count lies Chrysler is trying to feed us with this car. Well, it looks big because of its shape, but actually it’s smaller than most cars. It looks fast because of it’s sporty design, but it only has 150 horsepower. It looks gangster because it harkens back to the designs of the cars Al Capone and company used to drive around in and shoot at people from, but if that’s the case why is every single PT Cruiser driver fat, old, and poor?

Who Drives Them
I’ll tell you exactly who drives PT Cruisers: portly women in their 40s who smoke cheap cigarettes and go to casinos and play the slots at least 5 times a week. If I haven’t painted a precise enough picture for you, there’s nothing more I can do.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
Crosses, and those nasty pink stretchy cloth hair ties.

Playing On The Radio
Light rock and country.

Level Of Annoying
Absolutely annoying. When I try to put myself in the shoes of other countries and how they view Americans, I think of a fat, lazy, dirty, wrinkly woman driving her PT Cruiser across the street from her trailer park to the McDonald’s drive-thru ready to use a coupon, not to receive a discount on the food she was going to buy, but to buy more food than she should. Call me cynical.

What You Should’ve Bought
At this point I would list possible alternate cars you would have been better off spending your money on, but every time I think of a car, I picture you in it and it ruins that entire make and model.

I’m always thinking about the super powers I wish I had. Would it be better to fly or be invisible? Duh, fly. If you said invisible you’re one of three things: a) a thief, b) a cheater, or c) a depressed recluse. Think about it, if you could fly you would never have to pay for gas, a car, or insurance again. Plus you’d save tons of time. You would just need a helmet for the bugs. And probably a blanket for the cold air higher in the atmosphere. And you wouldn’t be able to listen to music like you would in a car because it would be so loud all the time with the wind blowing in your ears. And how tiring would it be? It’s hard enough to run for a sustained period of time. OK, so there are a few small holes in my logic.

So you have your super powers that we all know are just a fantasy and no one really has. What I’m concerned with are the less-than-super powers. These are powers that a lot of people do have. Powers that would make everyday life so much easier if only I was blessed with them.

I’m not complaining about my lot in life by any means. I know with every helpful power comes an annoying trait, it’s just how life balances out. All I’m doing here is pointing out the powers that I wish I had, and if you, one of my myriad of readers, possess one of these powers, consider yourself lucky. And disliked by me.

Here are 5 everyday powers I wish I had.

5. The power to remember someone’s name

No matter how intensely I invoke every last fiber of power my memory has, I simply can’t remember someone’s name after I meet them. I channel all of my energy and let everything else in the world slip away except the 5 to 10 letters that make up the name of the person I am introducing myself to. But as soon as I make eye contact with this new person I immediately become an awkward bumbling mess of pleasantries and fake smiles, and it is at that point that I realize they have already said their name and I have lost my chance.

It almost seems like sometimes the person slips their name in there at the least likely place so cunningly that I don’t even have a chance to begin with. The worst part about the whole thing is the person always remembers my name.

This is specifically annoying when you start a new job and you have to remember 100 brand new names but everyone else only has to remember your name. Well I am so terrible at name remembering that I am the only guy in the office that doesn’t remember the new employee’s name. That’s a shame.

The Workaround

To supplement myself enough to still function in the world I have compiled an arsenal of socially acceptable alternate names that I am free to use on anyone I desire. Hey bro, what’s up? Dude, look who it is! Let’s bounce, playa. Yo bromide mcdizzle, what’s crackalackin? Ay bay bay!

Then they become distracted by my weirdness and forget I never said their name. Works like a charm!

4. The power to stop eating before I’m full

This is an important power to have for a number of reasons. First of all, it helps you to not get real fat. Actually that might be the only reason. But that’s enough to make me want it.

The Workaround

Drink Diet Coke instead of regular, and stop putting cream and sugar in your coffee. I’m serious, sometimes that’s all it takes. I lost 40 pounds doing precisely that. Oh yeah and I started running 12 miles a week. Is it worth all that effort to have the pleasure of eating until I can no longer move? Umm, absolutely.

3. The power to not get excited by celebrity gossip

Yeah, you heard me. I get excited by celebrity gossip. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s more of an involuntary reaction like when the doctor hits your knee with a mallet. So you see, it’s not my fault because I have no control over it, and therefore it is not a power that I can willingly learn. It has to be given to you at birth.

Celebrities are just people but dumber and with more money. And yet I get upset when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer break up. How could this be? Who broke up with who? Why did it happen? Did someone cheat? Gosling and McAdams are back together!?! Shut up I knew it!

This is unacceptable both as a man and, heck, a decent human. I don’t want to say that I support this industry, because I absolutely despise it. I’d rather be dragged through black plague sewage with my mouth and eyes open than be thought of as someone who supports Hollywood gossip. But I will admit that I have been known to linger just a bit longer on E! News while I’m flipping channels than is to be expected.

The Workaround

I seriously can’t think of a workaround for this. In exchange for not offering a workaround I’ll let you make fun of me to my face. But then you have to pass my manliness test or else I get to kick you in the privates.

2. The power to want to read a book

I know a lot of people with this power. I know people that can put away a book in a day. A thick book. With no pictures. I just can’t fathom what it must be like to possess such an extraordinary power. If I read for more than 30 minutes at a time I start to get all antsy and distracted by anything shiny.

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to get into a book that’s no good and realize I wasted two months of my life getting halfway through it. Do I waste another two months finishing it just so I can tell people I read it, or do I get out while I still can?

Oh actually I just realized what the problem is. I am a slow reader.

The Workaround

This is one of those powers that you can easily work around. “Have you read The Da Vinci Code?” “Sure, I read it.” And by “read” I mean watched the movie. “Have you read Moby Dick?” “Of course, twice.” And by “twice” I mean listened to an abridged version on my iPod and watched a cartoon version when I was a kid.

I just want to say a personal thank you to all the people who spend their time reading books and translating them into screenplays so I don’t have to waste my time. And for the record, I just want to say that I actually read Jurassic Park and can honestly say the movie was way better than the book.

Have you completely lost faith in the future of mankind yet? I hope not, because we’re moving on to number one.

1. The power to drive the speed limit

I am aware that driving over the speed limit will get me to my destination a negligible amount of time sooner. I realize that cops can detect my speed even if they are in front of me going the same direction. I understand that slowing down just a bit is probably better for my car, the cars around me, and my overall stress levels in life. So, what’s your point?

You know what else I realize? How fattening fast food is. Did that stop me from getting a McGriddle this morning? No.

I don’t care about the reasons I should slow down that all you old folks keep spouting off. If there is a car doing 65 in the fast lane and I’m right behind him, he better by God get over. If there is a car doing 95 in the fast lane and I’m right behind him, he still better gtf over.

I don’t know why I have this problem. I don’t know why I must always be going as fast as possible. I can’t explain why seeing the back of another car right in front of me sets me into a fiery angerful rage. Wouldn’t it be nice to, just once, go the speed limit? I can only imagine, because I have never, ever, willingly done so.

One time I tried but I swear my car took over and made itself go 10 mph over the limit. I’m half serious about that, but I swear it was truly a task that took all of my willpower to do. I was sweating and paranoid by the end of it. I kept having hallucinations of an angry driver right on my tail cursing me and invoking the gods to strike my car with a huge boulder and wipe me off the face of the Earth.

If you possess the power to drive the speed limit without it ruining your life, I am truly humbled by you and I hope you don’t take your powers for granted. Use them for good, not evil. By that I mean gtf over if I’m behind you.

The Workaround

The only person who is allowed to tell me how fast to travel is Mr. Highway Patrolman. It’s between me and him, and we’ve had our share of reckonings. 14 to be precise.

I get a ticket once every year or two. The highway cops and I have come to an agreement that this is the way it’s going to be. When I get a ticket it’s not so much a “penalty” as it is a “renewal of my membership for the speedy drivers club”. I pay a hundred and fifty bones every year or so and I can drive 15 over the speed limit whenever and wherever I want. The cops get their money and I get my freedom – it’s a win/win situation. Besides if you break it down it’s less than 10 bucks a month.

TheSixtyOne has held me in its musical grip since January and it doesn’t look to be letting go any time soon. I’ve already tried to explain to you why it’s so good. Let me see if I can put it another way in an attempt to lure you into the all-consuming fire.

You know how people are medically addicted to WoW these days? I know why. It’s because humans have an irresistible attraction to leveling up, regardless of the platform. We collect things. We get really good at golf and can describe every hole of every course in a 50 mile radius. We practice the guitar until we can play Flight of the Bumblebee at 340 beats per minute. We obsess over world records just to be able to say we hold the record.

There are a million areas of interest out there. And there are people getting better at each and every one of them as we speak.

We are all obsessive compulsive to a certain degree. The reason we’re not medically diagnosed with it is because most of us have the ability to resist it if it gets in the way of our daily lives. Barely.

Let’s look at a specific area of interest: music. I am not a bona fide music collector because my parents weren’t yuppies, but I am well on my way thanks almost entirely to thesixtyone. Music does something to me that nothing else can do. I’m not talking about performing it, I’m talking about blasting it in your car during afternoon rush hour on a Friday with your windows down, which coincidentally I’ll be doing in about 40 minutes.

There is a problem with being a music listener though. There are so many people that really really love music that it’s hard to break into the inner-culture unless you live on the fringe of society. It’s not very fun to become a “music collector” because one of two things tends to get in the way: 1) as soon as you begin to share your expertise with others a much more seasoned collector inevitably comes along and scoffs at your shallow opinions, informing you that he not only owns a vinyl copy of your favorite 10 albums, but he’s been backstage at all the concerts; or 2) you become that guy and lose most of your friends.

So, we’ve discussed the intense desire to “level up” in life. We’ve discussed how much we love music. And we’ve discussed why it’s frustrating to love music so much. I have good news for you. There is a place at the innernets where you can combine your desire to level up with discovering good new music that will be big in 6 months, all without the frustration of the music snob. That place is located here: www.thesixtyone.com

When I play WoW, the level-up aspect is very satisfying until I realize that ultimately it has no bearing on the “outside” world. I can’t share it with my wife or my friends because when you boil it down it is solely for my benefit.

When I listen to thesixtyone, on the other hand, not only is the level-up aspect insanely satisfying, but it has a positive effect on my “outside” world because it is teaching me about music and giving me songs, albums, and bands that I can take with me for the rest of my life. I’ve had long conversations with my friends who are already on the site (Dan, Adrian, Phil, Luke, Jesse, and my brother) over new artists, leveling up, getting achievements & feature unlocks, and techniques on playing the game.

With that being said, here is my list of top 5 bands that I’ve discovered so far. I would have never heard of any of these bands if it weren’t for thesixtyone.

5. The National

See their profile on thesixtyone.

Man these guys are eerie. A baritone lead singer paired with heavy piano usage and constant beats, plus semi-depressing lyrics and a sense of hopelessness, all somehow pull me into The National. I know, counter-intuitive right? Just listen to Fake Empire and be completely amazed.

Required listening:

4. Leatherbag

See their profile on thesixtyone.

Just one guy who calls himself Leatherbag (preforming with the aid of a band) has captured my heart with another lonely, half-depressed song called Caroline. It is one of my favorite songs of all time and I immediately went and learned it on the geetar – banjo licks and all.

Required listening:

The lyrics really get me. It’s a sad love song, and I just HAVE to post a sample for you below:

Standing around this northern town
Patiently I stand and wait
When I find my sweet Caroline
We’ll spread our wings and we’ll fly away

Her hair is gold and her words are silver
She’s a lily in the month of May
She’s tall as hell and like the wind she whispers
Do I love her I cannot say

WOW. I’m not one for poetry, but I’ll be damned if I’ve ever heard anything so sad and poetic.

3. Chris Merritt

See their profile on thesixtyone.

Chris Merritt has about twice as many chords in his songs as other non-superhuman artists. Just listen to Linger or The Long Road to get a feel for his frequent key change-ups. He has a song on his new album called Mafia that’s even crazier. I had to listen to it three times to understand his insane chord progressions. What’s great is the song is still amazing and you can tell that a lot of thought went into each note.

Required listening:

What a great buildup and it doesn’t disappoint.

2. Your Vegas

See their profile on thesixtyone.

I guarantee you these guys are the next Coldplay/Snow Patrol/Keane/[enter favorite UK pop band]. Their songs are all epic. All. Epic. We’ll be hearing them on the radio in a few months.

Required listening:

The last half of the song is the most epic. It might be one of the best individual songs on all of thesixtyone.

1. White Light Riot

See their profile on thesixtyone.

I ordered a poster from White Light Riot’s merch site. I don’t buy music posters. That is saying a lot. These guys simply rock my socks right off every single day (which is how often I listen to at least one of their songs). I love them so much that when I noticed their entire album was available to download for free from thesixtyone, I notified them of the blunder and they quickly remedied it. I bet someone out there hates me. But you know what? I bought the album from their site for full price, so you better do the same.

Required listening:

“Can’t you see beyond the silver screens, the backward dreams, the scripted scenes?”

Well that about does it. Honorable mention includes Band of Horses, Ugress, and RAC. Sample some songs from these bands and tell me what you think, or let me know your favorite newly discovered bands on thesixtyone. I’m working on another Top Fiver for individual songs which is pretty enjoyable but much harder to nail down.

So, maybe I’ll see you at thesixtyone? My username is brianmcculloh and my profile is located here: thesixtyone.com/brianmcculloh. You can also see where I currently stand on thesixtyone if you look at my listener badge in the side column of this page where it says “Listen To One Song Plz:”.

10 Signs You Play World of Warcraft Too Much

10. You registered for an Agro-Science class because you thought it would help your warrior tank better.

9. You get on vent every day, and it’s not because you’re cold.

8. Your son’s first word was “LF PORT TO SHATT, PAYING 5g – PST!!!”

7. You frequently joke that your headphones give you plus 24 intellect.

6. You got a speeding ticket and told your wife the cop was a spawn camper.

5. You want twin daughters so you can name them Mara and Kara.

4. Your favorite color is purple and you’re straight.

3. Your least favorite day of the whole week isn’t Monday. It’s Tuesday.

2. A guy cut you off in traffic and you glanced down at your dashboard to see what level he was.

Number 1 is R-rated, so don’t read it if you are sensitive to sexual innuendo. Too bad though, cause it’s really funny.

It’s down there ↓

1. You mount your Netherdrake more often than you mount your wife.

I’ve been reminiscing about all the video games I’ve played in my many years of gaming (going on 21 years of conscious gaming). When I think about my favorite video games, three or four immediately come to mind. But when I sit down to write about it and access my mental catalog of titles, I realize that they barely fit in a top 10 favorites list.

It’s not too often that I have 10 favorites of anything. The problem with 10 favorites is it’s like having 10 winners in a race. No one cares that there are 10 winners. We want to know who was absolutely FIRST. The others just make up the first 9 to lose.

I get annoyed when people refuse to have a favorite of something, like how American Idol is secretly your favorite reality prime time TV show but you’re too afraid to admit it. It’s a cop-out when you say you don’t have a true favorite in a category, like how Backstreet Boys is your favorite pop cross-over hip hop all male dancing group but you’re ashamed to say it for some reason.

Not proclaiming your favorite of something is usually due to one (or all) of four possible reasons:

• 1) you are too lazy to put any effort into it
• 2) your opinions are too easily swayed to hold fast to any one thing for too long
• 3) you’re embarassed
• 4) you have trouble committing

That list sounds like it applies to relationships or something. Well take all that nonsense somewhere else because this is The Gimcrack Miscellany and we don’t like talking about things that make us feel vulnerable and/or pathetic.

So why am I saying all this on a top 10 list? Because I’m not talking favorites here, I’m talking ‘most played’ – read the title again. Aha! Yyyyyyyep. I’m not breaking any of my rules because these aren’t necessarily my top 10 favorites just because I played them the most.

Upon further thought, it just so happens that this list corresponds exactly with my top 10 favorites list…

Anyway, the number of hours you log playing a game has nothing to do with whether or not it’s your favorite game. Well, I guess it has to have something to do with it, but how else do you explain the huge numbers behind Tetris, Pacman, and Freecell? Those aren’t anyone’s favorite games, trust me. 85% of wives will say at least one of them is their favorite, but we know they’re lying. Brain Ninjas wins, hands down.

Oh, and one more thing, I realize this is a top 10 list instead of a top 5 list. What’s your point? Ye Old Top Fiver™ is just a marketing tool. It’s not meant to be taken literally – it’s a brand that people trust. Just ask our LOLheads™ or Reference Burst Theory™ divisions.

Honorable Mention

I could have made this a top 101 list, but it would’ve taken me several days and multiple posts to make a list of that caliber. So, before we get to the top 10, here is a list of honorable mentions that I wish I had time to talk about:

25. Donkey Kong Country
24. Scorched Earth
23. Wii Tennis
22. Quake II
21. Unreal
20. Return to Castle Wolfenstein
19. Quake
18. Roller Coaster Tycoon
17. Mario Kart 64
16. The Sims
15. Age of Empires II
14. Galaga
13. GTA Vice City
12. Goldeneye
11. The Dig

Awww, boo hoo – your game didn’t make it into the top 10. Write your own damn blog then. ON WITH THE TOP 10!

10. (tie) – Sim City 2000

This was my introduction to god games. No, not spiritual games. Strategy games. I had played the original Sim City quite a bit, but 2000 vastly improved over the original. There’s real satisfaction in being mayor of a sprawling city and growing it into a bustling metropolis. You have to make sure you carefully plan your placement of the three main zones: industrial, commercial, and residential. And if you want a real challenge, play with disasters enabled.

Reason I played it so much: Lets me be creative. Each time I played it I created a completely unique city, which allowed for a brand new experience every time I loaded it up.

10. (tie) – Descent

This was the first truly free-form FPS. You could go anywhere, on all three axes, in your one-man hovering spaceship of destroytion. Lots of weapons, shallow learning curve, difficult bosses, and a brand new twist on an up and coming video game genre helped me to fall in love with Descent. I remember in 1995 they had a demo of the first 7 levels at Best Buy on the first black-cased computer I had ever seen (it was an Acer). I played through that demo every time I visited a Best Buy and I couldn’t wait until it came out. Descent also provided a level editor, which was the first time I ever created my own maps in a game.

Reason I played it so much: First of its kind. I couldn’t get the same type of gameplay in any other game, so I played Descent. A lot.

9. Mario 3

If you remember The Wizard, you remember the scene at the end where they bust out brand new Super Mario 3 in order to level the playing field. We were all so excited about being able to fly with the tail. I remember it being a major current event in the world, but it was probably just my little world inside the bigger real world. Want to hear something funny? All the hours and hours I spent in front of this game, and I finally beat it 2 weeks ago. No joke.

Reason I played it so much: User Interface. Nintendo is the king of making a game feel fun to play, and this game is flawless.

8. Counter-Strike: Source

Man, that guy is really amazing with the AWP. I hate AWPers.

I really got into this game in college when I started to realize how fun online multi-player games were. Before CS:S, the only online game I had played was Return to Castle Wolfenstein, which whetted my appetite for pwnage (and taught me that word). But CS:S perfected the genre by pitting two teams against each other (terrorists and counter-terrorists) in amazingly detailed and realistic maps. If you’re a terrorist, you either try to plant a bomb in a certain area, or guard your hostages. Alternatively, if you’re a counter-terrorist, you try to prevent the terrorists from planting the bomb (or diffuse it before it goes off), or try to rescue the hostages that the terrorists are guarding. Simple. Brilliant. PWNalicious. That’s going to be my new handle.

Reason I played it so much: Multi-player bliss. I would not be the l337-speaking idiot that I am if it weren’t for CS:S.

7. Doom II

Oooooh snap, those fools got Rick Roll’d.

The game is amazing. Please don’t rent the movie. I will catch flak for saying that, but it’s what I believe and confess. Doom is terrifying and brilliant. I am still scared of the last level. Every year about this time, when the ground is thawing and the trees are budding, I break out the old Doom II CD-ROM and get my killin’ on. I don’t know why I associate that with spring.

This game was made back in the day when every pixel of game art and animation was hand-drawn. It’s sort of like watching an old Star Wars movie where all the models were made by hand and animated with stop-motion photography instead of CGI. I don’t know why, but it’s just more interesting to watch because it seems less manufactured. I’ll get down from my stop-motion soap box and just say that Doom II is largely responsible for the success of the entire computer gaming industry. Thank you, Doom.

Reason I played it so much: Level design. If level design was an art form (and it is), then Sandy Peterson and John Romero would be the Picasso and Van Gogh of… it.

I can’t resist bringing back a little nostalgia with these animated Doom II gifs. You just can’t beat hand-drawn. It’s like hand-made biscuits from scratch.

6. Lords of the Realm II

Sorry, would you believe there are no clips of actual gameplay from this game on youtube? Guess I’ll have to make one myself.

I played this game all through high school. It’s more obscure than a lot of the other entries on this list, and the sequel killed the franchise, so you’ve probably never heard of it. It was my first experience with turn-based strategy games and I grew to love the genre through this game. It is somewhat historical with a geographical setting of Medieval Europe.

Feed your peasants, manage your mines, build up your army, and take over neighboring counties. It is very addictive to see your color sweep across the map as your armies invade your adversaries. I used to sit and play this game for hours with my friends via hotseat. I need to get my hands on it again, I haven’t played it in forever.

Reason I played it so much: Setting. The locations, style, music, and overall feel was very medieval. It made me want to be there more than any other game I’ve played.

5. Dark Forces

Dark Forces really satisfied the gamer AND the Star Wars fan in me. This game was my boy in middle school and was, for a short period, the only thing I loved in the world. I would think about playing Dark Forces as soon as I woke up, while I was at school, and as I was falling asleep. This is one of my favorite games of all time and will always be near and dear to my heart.

It is centered around a very involving plot, and contains a lot of the elements from the original three Star Wars films. What set Dark Forces apart was it’s integration of puzzles and predicaments that you had to solve before you could progress in the level. Some of them were very hard, too. You would often have to look around your environment for clues, switches, and secret entrances. I loved the combination of firepower and brains, and it also made for many many hours of game play.

Reason I played it so much: Level of difficulty. Being angry at a game doesn’t stop me from playing it. It just makes me want to play it more. It’s like the episode of Seinfeld where George is attracted to the masseuse simply because of how much she hates him.

Speaking of Seinfeld, I’d like to pause for a moment and watch a brief, hilarious, completely off topic clip.

4. Wolfenstein 3D

The game that started it all. I played this game when I was a lad of only 8 years – that’s plenty old enough to gun down Hitler in a swastika-filled Nazi fortress. I remember playing this back when it was fun for me just to watch another person play it. My uncle played this game and my brother, cousins, and I would sit there and watch in awe. The first time I put my hands on the mouse and clicked “mouse button 1″ to shoot the gatling gun, I became a bona fide gamer.

Wolfenstein was all about finding secrets. There were no clues as to where they were, you just had to check every single wall and figure out the sequences in which to trigger them. The levels were more labyrinthine than any castle I’ve ever seen. The earliest days of my professional gaming career are filled with memories of long nights spent mapping out the crazy-complicated level structures. Phrases like “Have I been here yet?”, “Where is that one room I was in?”, “I’ll bet no one else has ever found this secret!”, “Why is Hitler in a battle-mech suit?”, “Wait, what genre is this?” are common utterances while making your way through the levels.

Reason I played it so much: It was the only game I possessed at the time. But to only own one game, and that game be this game, was heavenly.

3. World of Warcraft

WoW addiction is not a joke. WoW addiction is not a problem for me though. I do it all the time and I’m not addicted.

Reasons I play it so much: 1) Leveling up and 2) Always new content. The feeling of accomplishment in leveling and building up character skills, reputation, gold, treasures, items, etc. is what makes WoW very addictive. And to know that there is so much content in the game that i’ll never be able to experience it all drives me crazy.

2. Half Life 2

This was going to be number 1 but I thought about it and there is one game that I have put more hours into than this game. We’ll get to that in a second. First, let’s talk about a game that won 35 game of the year awards, has the best plot hands-down of all the games I’ve played (beats most movies as well), introduced a revolutionary physics engine, and has a cliffhanger ending that is so cruel to the player that there’s a 92% chance a baby puppy dies each time someone finishes the game. Remember the end of Super Mario Bros the movie? Worse than that.

Reason I played it so much: Plot. The story has never gotten old to me. I have played all the way through the game and beaten it 15 times so far. I only stopped because the sequel came out.

A little breathing room for the big dog…

1. Heroes of Might and Magic III

Sorry, that video is crappy since it doesn’t show a lot of the gameplay and the sound effects are covered by stupid music, but it’s the only one I could find.

This is the best game ever created. How can you beat giants like WoW, Half Life, and Doom? You don’t need fancy graphics engines, a massive online community/player base, or blood and guts plastered all over everything. Heroes III did it with a simple and creative graphics engine, a dedicated and loyal community/player base, and very minimal blood and guts (hardly any). This game combines some of the best elements listed above. It has a really fun hotseat multi-player feature (or you can do a LAN party if you prefer), an amazingly elegant yet simple level designer program, hand-drawn graphics and animations, leveling up, hundreds of unique creatures, and excellent game balance. There are 7 different worlds to choose from, all with their own set of creatures, structures, schools of magic, spells, heroes, and specialties.

You level up your hero(s) by equipping artifacts and treasures and specializing in specific fields of study, while at the same time commanding your empire of castles, creatures, and mines, so it’s sort of a crossover between an RPG, turn-based strategy, and god game. I still play this game, and it is not only the game I’ve spent the most hours playing, but it’s the game I’ve played the most consistently – almost 10 years of solid Heroes III enjoyment for me. Some of this is thanks to the In The Wake Of Gods add on, which boosts the amount of creatures, items, and towns.

All I need to do now is find my Heroes of Might & Magic III Complete disc. I let someone borrow it a few months ago and I can’t find it. I really want to play it, so if you have it would you please give it back?

10 Games I Wish I Had Played

I’m sure some of you are scratching your heads and asking yourselves why some of the greatest games ever created were not on the list. By the same token, I’m sure some of you are scratching your heads and asking “what is a Doom?” In either case, here are some games that I confess to not having played very much (if at all), and as a gamer I feel it was my responsibility to play them. But I must remind you, I’m only one man. I can’t play every game ever. Or can I…

Warcraft / Warcraft II
Halo / Halo 2
Diablo / Diablo II
Starcraft
The Might & Magic series
Alpha Centauri
The Legend of Zelda series
System Shock 2
TIE Fighter
The Metroid series

There you have it. In the process of writing this post, I went back and found my Lords of the Realm II, Doom Trilogy, and Mech Warrior II discs. I even found an old archived CD of some maps I created many years ago for Heroes of Might & Magic III. I really really feel like gaming nonstop for the next 2 weeks. It’s a good thing my wife’s in Houston or that wouldn’t go over so well