I guess you already know Best Buy is stupid, you don’t need TGM to tell you that. I mean have you ever gone into a Best Buy? It’s a bunch of kids dressed in blue polos who think they’re too good for their customers, but they actually don’t know anything about the products they sell. It’s a big box store. A grocery store for electronics. Yet, why do I always find myself wanting to go there? I can tell you, that desire has been waning of late. Take their latest weekly ad, for example. It’s so blatant an attempt to please everyone, that it pleases no one, and it makes me sick:
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Hey everyone, remember The Gimcrack Miscellany? It’s my blog. You’re on it now, and you’re reading an article. Remember those days? I can’t quit you, TGM! Good old blogging… it is always there to bring me a hot cup of tea when I’m feeling down, and talk to me while I fall asleep.
I have talked before about how it feels like we live in the future because of all the awesome things we have, no? Maybe that’s one of my 27 drafts that are waiting to be finished. In any case – cell phones, man. How in the heck can we talk to whoever we want with no delay? Also – flat panel TVs, dude. Do you realize we are seeing a crystal clear, insanely bright, fifty-five inch wide, high resolution image on an apparatus that is less than an inch thick? That’s a far cry from the overhead projectors we had in school. Oh and – the Internet. Think about that one. You can carry around a sleek little netbook and have access to EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD from almost ANY PUBLIC PLACE.
I have said that to say this: you’d think that in a world with iPhones, organic LED TVs, and Internet everywhere, everything else would follow suit and get better and faster. You’d be wrong. I’m about to point out something in the following sentences that you’ve never consciously noticed, but has been driving you crazy. Sort of like when someone finally turns off a device that has been making a bunch of background noise all along and you suddenly realize how annoying it was once they turn it off.
There are a lot of differences between professional football, basketball, and baseball. We know that football is the best out of the three, and even though basketball sucks, there is no question that it is a distant runner up. That leaves baseball as the odd man out. I have been pondering why baseball sucks so bad. Just look at the outfield stands during baseball home run highlights. I challenge you to find a clip where the stands are actually full. Usually, there aren’t even any fans in those stands. In fact, take a look at the following informative maps which show the distribution of baseball, basketball, and football fans in America:
I have been asked a few times why I hate Nickelback so much. Well, hopefully after writing this blog post I can answer that question in the future by giving the person the URL to this article. Thanks, past self. You’re welcome, future self.
I was in the car today and forgot my iPod, so I had to listen to the radio. I came upon a gem of a song. And by “gem” I mean “turd” and by “song” I mean “homeless man”. It’s called “If Today Was Your Last Day” by Nickelback, and it is one of the worst songs I have ever heard. In fact, the only worse songs I’ve heard have been other Nickelback songs, like the one where he says something about looking at a photograph and he’s asking what the hell was on his friend Jimmy’s head or something like that. I hope you never have to hear it.
Certain things stand the test of time. To name a few: The Beatles, Seinfeld, original Star Wars, and hhhhwhiskey. The question I want to ask, right here, right now, is hhhhwhy? Why do some things stand the test of time no matter how widespread they become, yet other things get real old, real quick? I think it is because of the quality of the product. The more time, energy, and skill that goes into producing something, the longer it will stick around (duh). But what is a concrete sign that something was made with a higher skill level?
The answer is discretion. Too much of anything is not a good thing, and it usually ends up ruining a product. If you put too much of any one ingredient in a recipe, you ruin the recipe. Refer to the previous examples I gave, and you will see that they definitely follow this important guideline because they have been built with intentional discretion. Everyone loves Newman from Seinfeld, but he actually plays a very minor role. This is because the creators wanted you to get excited when you finally did see him, which made people want to watch the show. In a sense, it makes the show sort of feel fresh and always new.
Seriously, moviegoers?! You liked Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen?
There are two explanations for the way I feel about the downward-sloping overall quality of movies over the past few years. 1) I am getting older and my taste has become more refined, or 2) greed has ruined the movie industry by encouraging quantity over quality. Seeing as how my favorite cuisine is Taco Bell, I own a Nick Lachey album, and prefer Miller Lite when it comes to beers, the first explanation has to be impossible.
So, it’s greed. Greedy movie studio executives (is that redundant?) are buying up film rights to old cartoon franchises faster than Grand Theft Auto fanboys were buying San Andreas before it was pulled from the shelves in 2005. However, placing the blame for terrible movies on film execs is like blaming GM for the decline of domestic automobiles. Film execs represent a corporation, which exists solely to make money. They will do whatever they can get away with to cause consumers (which in the case of GM includes the government) to spend money on their product. While it is because of filmmakers that films are terrible, it is not their fault. The blame should be placed on the American consumer. You. It is your fault.
Remember that broad who Kissed A Girl? Also remember that girl from The Happening? Well if you haven’t figured it out by now, they look exactly alike. And I’m the first one who pointed it out.
Click this post to play a little game where I’ve included a picture of each person and labeled them A and B. Your job is to figure out which is which. This is a new type of game semantic that I’ve created which you have probably never seen before, so if you get confused just read the comments.
It is sad that this post is the reason my blog has had so many visits over the last year. Whoa whoa, hold on there. I didn’t say I regret writing it.
Keeping up with the theme of belated Beratings, I decided to officially B-Rate a film that I saw in theaters and just recently bought on DVD for my wife. Picture me sitting on the couch sipping Diet Coke curled up under a blanket with a lovely fire burning watching The Devil Wears Prada with my [...]
The real story was Gonzalez, pictured above as only a torso. Believe me when I say, however, that he actually does have legs, and they easily carried him past second stringer Pittman, who was eventually pulled from the game due to his poor performance. I have two things to say in response to this game. [...]
What is it with me and blog series? I’ve horribly neglected my Berating system and I haven’t been feeding my TopFivers. I promise I’ll do better. Maybe soon I’ll come out with a Berating for Ratatooine. In spite of my better judgments I’m opening up a new series entitled LOLheads. I have no idea what [...]
The edge of the universe is 50 billion trillion miles away. While Googling this number to see what it’s technically referred to, and how many light years it equivocates, I stumbled upon the largest diamond in the world galaxy. Space is so cool. I guess a diamond isn’t really “space”. I don’t know what to [...]
After fumbling through archives of old Bill Belichick photos, I’ve stumbled upon some shots that I’ve never noticed before. If you look closely, you can see that Belichick resembles some of the more infamous antagonists of our time. I just can’t believe I never noticed it before.
That’s the only way the Patriots won tonight. I couldn’t even wait until morning to write this. Baltimore, leading most of the game, needs a first down to win it. They don’t get it. Baltimore needs to stop New England with 4th and inches to win it. They stop them, but a last second sideline [...]
Yes, that’s a $5,000 bill, which did actually exist at one time (as did the $10k and $100k bills). But that was before VISA-vis hell, Discovered in debt, Bastard Card, and American Express train to bankruptcy took away our need for large denominations. That didn’t make sense. Vis-a-vis. Ergo. Concurrently. Hitherthenceforththeless. What I’m getting at [...]
I grow weary of people speaking of the recently departed as flawless, sinless individuals despite the life the person actually lived. There’s this fear of speaking ill of the dead that stays around for months and even years after the burial. Why is this? By “ill”, I’m not talking about slander and falsity. Usually, an [...]
This has to be the most overused image of Lewis. That’s because it’s awesome. Look at the expression on his face as he stokes up the ol’ Longbottom Leaf. It’s like I just told him the punchline of a joke right as he struck his match, and then he looked up at me and began [...]
Imagine the worst movie you’ve ever seen, and then take that movie and replace the dialog with Chinese, the soundtrack with the constant squeak of a rusty shopping cart wheel, the lead actress with Angelina Jolie, and the director with Satan.
These are my current all-time least favorite movies, thus they have been etched into the annals of The Blacklist. And let me tell you, it’s a very dark place down there. It’s darker’n a black steer’s tookus on a moonless prairie night.