Transformers: 4/10 Berating
Posted on 21. Aug, 2007 by The Gimcracker in Beratings, Movies
I understand this is a little belated. I understand 10,000 people have blogged on this film. I understand everyone and their mom has seen it and loved it. You’re still not getting out of your Berating. I’m just putting it out there – you’re welcome to pick it up or send it right back my way.
Micheal Bay always takes you on a thrill ride, whether the setting is Alcatraz island, the future, or an asteroid hurling towards Earth. With Ben Affleck on it. I wish it would’ve hit. Needless to say, I was expecting the thrill ride Transformers takes you on, but I still wasn’t prepared for the magnitude or ferocity of said ride. I don’t think there was a single second of the film that didn’t contain either A) a billion explosions at once, B) an hilarious one-liner and a thousand explosions at once, or C) the hottest women currently alive with only around 50 – 70 explosions at once. At one point in the film I noticed I was making this weird continuous grunting noise kind of like you would make if you were about to be slung out of a giant sling shot but you didn’t know exactly when.
Notice we’re still in The Good category. I love eye candy and Transformers had tons of it. I keep trying to think of other things this movie had, but the only thing I really remember about it is explosions. Wait, I do remember this one time where it was sort of calm… nope that was Fight Club.
I hope you didn’t just think The Good was The Bad because trust me The Bad will not be mistaken for The Good. You’ll just be reading two The Bads and the Berating that follows will not make sense because you’ll be like “what did he see in that movie to not B-Rate it worse than that?”
My first problem with Transformers is the acting. I don’t require monologues of great length and Shakespearean dialogue, but I do expect there be at least AN actor who is just that: an actor. I’m being too hard on Shia LaBeouf. He can act, but he can’t yet be the singular source of acting skills in all of a movie, like such stars as Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, and Tom Arnold can. If he would’ve come out with 4 movies this year instead of a mere 3, like he did, he might be ready for that. The rest of the cast is robots, army guys, and annoying hot AND smart women who can crack computer codes and rewire car engines.
Let’s not get into the plot. Ok let’s, because it will be really simple. There are good Transformers and bad Transformers, they fight each other, explosions happen, something about a Camaro, more explosions, pop culture is referred to, closing credits.
And now we come to the unbelievable events of Transformers. Just to be clear, and in case you don’t know about the Beratings instructional kit, I’m not talking about what the movie is intentionally selling me. For instance, I believe these guys are from outer-space, I believe their secrets have been held by our government for years, and I believe they can fly and transform in mid-air. I don’t believe, however, that good old Shia LaBeouf can be struck by the arm of a Decepticon and launched 100 feet onto the windshield of a car, and then get up and run away without a scratch on him. I don’t believe a 19 year old strikingly beautiful blond from Australia can walk into a government think tank with 100 of the smartest computer geniuses in the world and suddenly solve everything. And someone please tell me how a couple guys from Iraq who should be in hospital beds, some random high school kids, a hand full of government agents, and a video gamer who lives with his mom all end up together in a different part of the world engaging in hand-to-hand combat with transforming machines. I could maybe believe this if they all happened to be on the same bus (i.e. Speed), or be in the bank at the same time (i.e. Inside Man), or be renewing their licenses at the BMV on the same day (i.e. Hell).
The fact that this movie didn’t score a higher Berating is either a testament to how high I value the element of eye candy, the nostalgia I feel for the Transformers franchise from my childhood, or a result of over-hype and uber-advertising. Nevertheless, I hope to own Transformers one day and complete my Micheal Bay collection. Wait, I don’t own Pearl Harbor.
Acting – 1 berating
Plot – 1 berating
Inconsistencies – no beratings
Unbelievable Events – 2 beratings
Schematics – no beratings
Recommended Investment = See it at the dollar-fifty
0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it
This was hilarious.
I pretty much agree with every B-rating you talked about. I thought Shia was good, and I think he kept it entertaining from a comic relief standpoint. But he is probably not quite on the level of Tom Arnold yet.
I still liked the movie–or rather, I was quite entertained throughout–and that’s probably because of the 10 million explosions, but mostly because of my Transformers nostalgia. Especially Optimus Prime.
That sums it up perfectly.
(That’s the sound of a transformer transforming)
I LOVED Transformers. I had the nostalgia effect going in as well, but not too strong. I also only saw one teaser trailer beforehand, and I wasn’t all that hyped about seeing it. But then my brother called me and told me it was worth seeing in the theater. So I did. My mouth was hanging open for most of the movie, and my heart raced watching all the action sequences.
I agree with your whole thing about ridiculous stunts and such, but having seen movies like TripleX with Vin Diesel ramping up onto a 50 foot tall guard tower with a motorbike and smacking a guard in the face with the front wheel, then riding vertically down the guard tower to go kill other people… I was able to see past it.
From an animator/modeler’s point of view, the sheer time that had to go into making a transformer “transform” just blew my mind. And the materials and atmospheric compositing were the best I’ve seen to this day.
Anyway, your reviews are always great, and I enjoyed reading this one particularly. I just liked it for different reasons.
I forgot about XXX, it’s been a while since I’ve seen that. Wasn’t there a sequel? What would that be, like XXX2? XXXX? Just plain old X2? No, that’s X-men 2. TripleX2? Wouldn’t “TripleX2″ be X2X2X2? Those are the pitfalls of naming your movie three identical consonants, I guess.
Yeah Joel, it took me about a week to come down from the “high” of Transformers to be able to actually rate it as a film. That’s gotta say something about a movie if it has that effect on you.
And 4/10 Berating is not bad. I’m usually pretty harsh on movies, so anything below a 5 Berating is worth buying and re-watching, in my opinion.
Greg Oden just gave Transformers ’4 stars’.
He is also a millionaire, so I have to listen to him instead of you.
I’d be worried if he didn’t. There’s something about him that makes me think his list of top 10 movies does not include anything you have to think too hard about. Let’s just say he’s probably never seen Vanilla Sky or Little Miss Sunshine intentionally.
LOL! That was just entertaining to watch! Dangit now I’m associated publicly with that… *napoleon dynamite sigh*
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