I understand this is a little belated. I understand 10,000 people have blogged on this film. I understand everyone and their mom has seen it and loved it. You’re still not getting out of your Berating. I’m just putting it out there – you’re welcome to pick it up or send it right back my way.
Micheal Bay always takes you on a thrill ride, whether the setting is Alcatraz island, the future, or an asteroid hurling towards Earth. With Ben Affleck on it. I wish it would’ve hit. Needless to say, I was expecting the thrill ride Transformers takes you on, but I still wasn’t prepared for the magnitude or ferocity of said ride. I don’t think there was a single second of the film that didn’t contain either A) a billion explosions at once, B) an hilarious one-liner and a thousand explosions at once, or C) the hottest women currently alive with only around 50 – 70 explosions at once. At one point in the film I noticed I was making this weird continuous grunting noise kind of like you would make if you were about to be slung out of a giant sling shot but you didn’t know exactly when.
Notice we’re still in The Good category. I love eye candy and Transformers had tons of it. I keep trying to think of other things this movie had, but the only thing I really remember about it is explosions. Wait, I do remember this one time where it was sort of calm… nope that was Fight Club.
I hope you didn’t just think The Good was The Bad because trust me The Bad will not be mistaken for The Good. You’ll just be reading two The Bads and the Berating that follows will not make sense because you’ll be like “what did he see in that movie to not B-Rate it worse than that?”
My first problem with Transformers is the acting. I don’t require monologues of great length and Shakespearean dialogue, but I do expect there be at least AN actor who is just that: an actor. I’m being too hard on Shia LaBeouf. He can act, but he can’t yet be the singular source of acting skills in all of a movie, like such stars as Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, and Tom Arnold can. If he would’ve come out with 4 movies this year instead of a mere 3, like he did, he might be ready for that. The rest of the cast is robots, army guys, and annoying hot AND smart women who can crack computer codes and rewire car engines.
Let’s not get into the plot. Ok let’s, because it will be really simple. There are good Transformers and bad Transformers, they fight each other, explosions happen, something about a Camaro, more explosions, pop culture is referred to, closing credits.
And now we come to the unbelievable events of Transformers. Just to be clear, and in case you don’t know about the Beratings instructional kit, I’m not talking about what the movie is intentionally selling me. For instance, I believe these guys are from outer-space, I believe their secrets have been held by our government for years, and I believe they can fly and transform in mid-air. I don’t believe, however, that good old Shia LaBeouf can be struck by the arm of a Decepticon and launched 100 feet onto the windshield of a car, and then get up and run away without a scratch on him. I don’t believe a 19 year old strikingly beautiful blond from Australia can walk into a government think tank with 100 of the smartest computer geniuses in the world and suddenly solve everything. And someone please tell me how a couple guys from Iraq who should be in hospital beds, some random high school kids, a hand full of government agents, and a video gamer who lives with his mom all end up together in a different part of the world engaging in hand-to-hand combat with transforming machines. I could maybe believe this if they all happened to be on the same bus (i.e. Speed), or be in the bank at the same time (i.e. Inside Man), or be renewing their licenses at the BMV on the same day (i.e. Hell).
The fact that this movie didn’t score a higher Berating is either a testament to how high I value the element of eye candy, the nostalgia I feel for the Transformers franchise from my childhood, or a result of over-hype and uber-advertising. Nevertheless, I hope to own Transformers one day and complete my Micheal Bay collection. Wait, I don’t own Pearl Harbor.
Acting – 1 berating
Plot – 1 berating
Inconsistencies – no beratings
Unbelievable Events – 2 beratings
Schematics – no beratings
Recommended Investment = See it at the dollar-fifty
0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it