So you got married. Good for you! You are now living in perfect harmony with a fellow human being of the opposite sex (assuming you’re not gay). Not that gay people are living in perfect harmony. I meant they would not be living with someone of the opposite sex, so the first part still applies. Except, if you’re a lesbian – then you don’t care about “man zones” so it might not apply to you.
Anyway whoever you are and whatever your story, you thought you would be living in perfect harmony, right? At least you were hopeful of that, right? Well as you’ve probably found out, that isn’t possible. But, you can give your relationship a real boost in the direction of perfect harmony by being proactive and adhering to techniques that our forefathers have passed down to us.
One thing that can really help you out (or hurt you if you lose control of it) is creating a “man zone” for yourself and your fellow idiot man friends who have also ended their lives in marriage (I mean that in a positive way). A man zone is defined simply as follows:
Man Zone: a confined area in or around your place of living that your wife isn’t allowed to decorate.
I know, pretty simple definition. But therein lies its genius. If your wife isn’t allowed to decorate it, she won’t want to be in it, and if she’s not in it, it becomes a man zone.
Here are five of the best places for planting your flag and saying “mine!” before your wife gets a chance. As you will probably discover throughout the list, it might be easier than you think since your wife is unlikely to desire most of these areas in the first place.
5. Game Room
All men possess two interests: 1) the desire to destroy things with hammers, and 2) the desire to be a kid again. The latter is the reason we make game rooms. Game rooms are usually created in a second or third bedroom (the higher the number, the higher the zone’s success rate) and contain things like computers, gaming consoles, bean bag chairs, arcade machines, and Monopoly. Boys look forward to becoming men so they can buy all the sweet toys they can’t yet afford. You’ll also see remnants of the man’s childhood, usually in the form of old Star Wars figurines atop dusty shelves in the corner. Also, as the picture above suggests, there will be at least one reference to popular culture, like Simpsons paraphernalia or a Scarface poster.
While you will take every effort to make this zone unappealing to women by leaving old pizza crusts on the floor, your wife will inevitably desire to come in and play Ms. Pacman. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very fun activity that can strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and seems in theory to be a good idea, but it won’t be long before you enter your man zone and see a new throw pillow on the futon. That throw pillow is a direct warning signal that your man zone is under attack.
To give you a perspective of how a woman might view a game room man zone, I will give you an example of the equivalent woman zone, termed the “anti-zone”. In this case, the anti-zone is the kitchen. You don’t desire to be in this room since you have no idea how to cook, but you’re willing to enter from time to time to grab a beer out of the fridge.
When men get bored of renovating the inside of their houses, they turn to the back yard. A deck is an essential part of a back yard because it acts as a safe perimeter with which to protect the almighty bbq grill. A proper deck is surrounded by a wooden ledge to clearly mark where this zone begins and ends, and is raised off the ground proportional to the amount of power the man thinks he holds in his marriage. A deck is simply a tree house for men, with the addition of cigars, beer, and brats. And you don’t have to climb anything to get to it. (Some would say this is because men get lazier with age, but the real reason is because they get smarter).
If you don’t engineer your deck with the utmost care, women will have to walk across it to get to their flower bed. A lot of men have overcome this obstacle by building multi-level decks, and putting all the important stuff on the highest point so the commonfolk can still utilize the lower parts of the deck without intruding on your space. This is where the term “upper deck” originated.
The opposite of a deck is your wife’s vegetable garden. You eat things that come from it, and it looks nice from across the yard, but that’s about as far as your relationship is allowed to develop.
While the game room and the deck are used solely for recreational purposes, the garage is the first man zone on the list that actually has a functional purpose. It is your base of operations for you to lovingly fix all of the stuff your wife breaks (I’m not trying to be condescending here. Men break things too, but we never tell you because by the time you come across it we’ve already fixed it).
That is why the garage is higher on the list, because the nature of this zone gives you an almost unlimited number of excuses to be in it. Depending on the size of your garage and how much junk you can fit in the smallest space, it is possible that you will never technically need to leave it to survive. Viewing the image above, you can plainly see that a garage is special because there are two phenomena taking place: 1) men can proudly display their clutter, gadgets, and junk for all the world to see (women created china cabinets and hampers to solve this problem inside the house), and 2) the most sloppy, dirty, disorganized man will suddenly turn into Martha Stewart when it comes to organizing his tools.
Where the hell else is your wife going to park her car?
The anzi-zone to the garage is the foyer. You have no idea where to stand and being in one is really boring.
All men want to be James Bond. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. James Bond is particularly appealing because not only is he skilled at all the physical stuff like car chases and shooting at people, he is also sophisticated. When a man sits in a den with an important looking credenza and a cabinet holding at least one semi-expensive bottle of Scotch, it doesn’t matter how classless and distasteful he is, he will suddenly begin to discuss politics and philosophy. Men need this. It is essential to keep us from becoming Nascar fans.
Also, a den is one of the only practical places in the house where you can put a large flat panel TV and a recliner, which are the man’s equivalent to a large piece of art and a daybed.
I haven’t thought of any, because I’ve never owned a den. They’re just fantasies in my wildest imagination.
The anti-zone of the den is the parlor (or the dining room or the formal room or whatever room has all the stuff you can’t touch). It’s sophisticated, but in a way that is completely foreign to you.
The basement is the ultimate man zone. You are freaking underground in a cave when you are in a basement. You can make all the noise you can possibly imagine and it is absorbed by the earth around you. You can put drums, home theaters, and other noisy men in a basement. You can put neon signs, shuffleboard, and poker tables in a basement. You are surrounded by all the things your house is powered by, like water heaters, furnaces, and table saws. But best of all, there is a thing you can build in your basement which is desired by all men. We watched a show for years that was completely centered around one. We sometimes pay money at the door just to get into one and sit at it. I’m talking about a bar. And when you build your own bar, you can put whatever crappy beer you want on tap. Just take a look at that picture above. A woman would respond: it looks like a dark, dank, depressing place to be. A man would respond: hey, that’s a Stroh’s light above the railroad crossing sign. I want to go to there.
Your house could burn down or blow away, and you’d never know the difference. Or care.
There is only one place that is fully a basement’s equal and opposite, and that is your wife’s walk-in closet. She sees her crowning achievement, you see a month’s salary in the form of shoes that were only worn once. There’s nothing for you there but despair.