5 Most Annoying Cars
Posted on 02. Sep, 2008 by The Gimcracker in Gimcrackery, Top Fivers
It’s a well known fact that during the course of a lifetime the average human spends about 42 years in the car. 99% of that time consists of driving in heavy traffic, which means there are other vehicles all around you. Most of these vehicles are decent. There are some cars on the road, however, that shouldn’t be there and that I’m sick of seeing.
This is the list of top 5 most annoying cars on the road. If you bought one of these cars thinking your friends would be jealous, you were duped my friend.
Please note that this solely refers to people who bought these cars brand new, since that’s the only time the playing field is level enough for me to cast judgment. Buying one of these pieces of $hit used is an entirely different story.
5. Neons
Why They’re Annoying
Here’s what a Neon is: a bottom-of-the-line, cheaply-made domestic car for people who can’t afford anything else and get seduced into buying one from the sharks at one of the 10 billion Dodge dealerships at every major intersection in the country. It’s a pile of the junkiest car parts on Earth welded together and wrapped in a shiny coat of paint.
Who Drives Them
College girls (the ones who don’t own Cavaliers) and inner-city white boys who wear wife-beaters and lean their seats back as far as possible.
Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
Either a Hawaiian lei or a white visor. If you’re really lucky you’ll see both of these items and a man driving the car. I’ve seen this only twice in my entire life.
Playing On The Radio
Chris Brown, Ludacris, or Nelly Furtado (dependent upon sex of the driver)
Level Of Annoying
Pretty annoying, but the fact that there are no Neon drivers over the age of 21 means people grow out of this phase pretty quickly. Usually as soon as they move out of their parents’ house.
What You Should’ve Bought
If you’re spending $14k and you want something young and hip, get something that’s going to last a little bit longer and not tempt you to blast hip hop with all four windows down until your speakers are distorted. I’m thinking something along the lines of a Ford Focus or a Saturn Astra. I wouldn’t hate you if you thought about a Chevy Cobalt even.
4. Sebring Convertibles
Why They’re Annoying
A Sebring convertible tells me you’re in middle management and you think you deserve a luxury car. Well I’ve got news for you, you don’t deserve a luxury car, and this is not one. Crystler excels at making you think you’re buying a luxury car by tacking on a bunch of shiny chrome and filling the interior with fake wood-grain trim. Then when you ask them why it doesn’t cost the same as a luxury car they respond “Are you kidding me!? Look at all that shiny chrome and wood grain. It might as well be a Lexus!”
Who Drives Them
The 25 year old “big shot” with Bluetooth and sunglasses who goes on coffee runs at the law firm he works for. Also, the middle-manager with the corner office (the only corner office without a window). Occasionally you will see an English professor driving a Sebring convertible, but only if he can’t afford a Volkswagon.
Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
The Sebring convertible owner will sometimes use the rear view mirror as a means to organize the power cords to his XM Radio, GPS navigation, and radar detector.
Playing On The Radio
REO Speedwagon and sports radio.
Level Of Annoying
Very annoying. I don’t usually care to see the faces of the other people on the road. In a Sebring convertible I can not only see your face, but I can see your overly-gelled hair and your $10 tie flapping so furiously in the wind that there’s no possible way you are even remotely comfortable.
What You Should’ve Bought
You don’t need a convertible. Use the extra five thousand dollars you spent on that feature and get a Toyota Camry. It will last twice as long and not say “Hi, I’m a douchebag.” Or use that money to pay off your huge school loans instead of buying a car to try to impress your coworkers.
3. Rams
Why They’re Annoying
We’ve already covered why Dodges suck. It’s all show and no substance with any Dodge car. Dodge Rams are usually very very big, which means you get all that much more showy uselessness wrapped around an even bigger pile of scrap metal that is solely designed to last 50k miles and then break in half as soon as the warranty runs out.
Who Drives Them
Rednecks. Plain and simple.
Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
There is an assortment of possibilities here. Anything from dog tags to pine tree air fresheners to the little chrome naked lady silhouettes.
Playing On The Radio
Nickleback, Metallica (nothing pre-Load), and country music.
Level Of Annoying
Super annoying. 80% of the time I pass a Ram, the guy driving it looks at me like he wants to fight me. 100% of the time I pass a Ram with my wife in the car with me, the guy driving it looks at her like he wants to “fight” her. I find this unacceptable, but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it because not only could his behemoth truck crush my car under its monstrous tires, the driver could probably crush my body under his monstrous gut.
What You Should’ve Bought
This is a very obvious one. Since you are probably against those damn Jap import brands, that leaves you with two options: an F-150 or a Chevy Silverado. Trust me, they’re way better. Just trust me.
2. Beetles
Why They’re Annoying
Everyone driving a beetle is so happy with life for some reason. Thus, they feel the need to do a few things that really annoy me, such as drive leisurely right in front of me and plaster judgmental stickers all over their back bumpers. Also, Beetles are probably the 3rd ugliest car I can think of. And what’s with all the pastel colors? There are certain color schemes you use for certain things. Pastels are not to be used on the exterior of your car, just like pastels are not to be used on football uniforms. Even girl football uniforms. If there even is such a thing *shudder*.
Who Drives Them
White people, rich college girls, and middle-aged tree-hugging men. Not that Beetles are in any way good for the environment. It must be the connection between Volkswagon Beetles and The Beatles, which leads to Apple Records and Apple Computers, which leads to queer. Making up fake connections like that is what I do best.
Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
If there aren’t flowers in the flower holder, there is some sort of artsy trinket that was picked up at an art fair – possibly a necklace or some sort of tribal garb.
Playing On The Radio
More often than not, The Beatles. It’s just one big cliche on wheels that can’t be stopped.
Level Of Annoying
Extremely annoying. The absolute worst is seeing a Beetle with one of those equal-sign bumper stickers on the back. Which is 90% of Beetles.
What You Should’ve Bought
So, you want to be young and hip and urban and spend around $20k? You failed, because you should’ve bought a Scion tc. Way more features, way less annoying, and it’s a Toyota, dummy.
1. PT Cruisers
Why They’re Annoying
PT Cruisers are gimmicks meant to trick dumb people into buying a car they think is one-of-a-kind. But since there are so many dumb people in the world, PT Cruisers are everywhere, so they have completely lost their uniqueness. And I swear they’re all purple. Let’s count lies Chrysler is trying to feed us with this car. Well, it looks big because of its shape, but actually it’s smaller than most cars. It looks fast because of it’s sporty design, but it only has 150 horsepower. It looks gangster because it harkens back to the designs of the cars Al Capone and company used to drive around in and shoot at people from, but if that’s the case why is every single PT Cruiser driver fat, old, and poor?
Who Drives Them
I’ll tell you exactly who drives PT Cruisers: portly women in their 40s who smoke cheap cigarettes and go to casinos and play the slots at least 5 times a week. If I haven’t painted a precise enough picture for you, there’s nothing more I can do.
Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
Crosses, and those nasty pink stretchy cloth hair ties.
Playing On The Radio
Light rock and country.
Level Of Annoying
Absolutely annoying. When I try to put myself in the shoes of other countries and how they view Americans, I think of a fat, lazy, dirty, wrinkly woman driving her PT Cruiser across the street from her trailer park to the McDonald’s drive-thru ready to use a coupon, not to receive a discount on the food she was going to buy, but to buy more food than she should. Call me cynical.
What You Should’ve Bought
At this point I would list possible alternate cars you would have been better off spending your money on, but every time I think of a car, I picture you in it and it ruins that entire make and model.
