The Gimcrack Miscellany

Posted under gimcrackery, video

A friend of mine just posted over at Genesis about some manly man things to put on your Christmas list. It got me thinking: what is it that divides regular men from manly men?

Well, Hollywood would have us believe it’s having a lot of money and girlfriends. TV paints a picture of a manly man sitting on his barcalounger drinking manly beer and watching sports. Some would go so far as to say a man is not manly at all unless he is a coal miner, lumberjack, or biker, who eats huge fattening fast food sandwiches.

You’re doing it wrong.

There is one product out there that will guarantee you manliness. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s called Old Spice Swagger, and it really does make you into a man. I’m not going to sit here and try to sell it to you. Just go out and buy a stick, use it, and reap the benefits. It is the most manly thing ever invented.

They have somehow figured out the formula of “swagger”. I don’t know how they did it, but I’m not lying to you that Old Spice Swagger actually boosts your manliness. I’m naturally about 87% manly. I would be 100% except that I was docked a few points because I enjoy an occasional Smirnoff Ice and at one point in my life I owned a turtleneck sweater.

Old Spice Swagger fixed all that. It put me right at about 98% manly, which is precisely where I want to be.

girly |———————————————-me—| manly

Now, you’re probably thinking I’m just writing this post to be funny, especially since my posts have been less frequent of late. That is usually the case. But not this time.

Look, I know you still aren’t sold. That’s OK. Don’t buy it. Just walk by the deodorant section next time you’re picking up tampons for your wife at Target and simply take a whiff of a stick of Swagger. You will instantly drop the the feminine products you were carrying and re-evaluate your life.

I can see that you don’t think sampling it is even worth your time. Fine. Here’s all you have to do. Don’t even go to Target, just find someone on the street who uses Swagger and wait for their scent to waft your direction. You will instantly be transformed into a more manly person just for having been in the presence of someone wearing it.

You’re saying that doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t it? Answer me this: what happens when you’re walking down the street and smell some barbeque. You desire to eat barbeque, and you just can’t help the desire. Well think about what would happen if you were walking down the street and you smelled the musk of a real manly man. You would naturally desire to become more manly. It’s science.

If you still don’t believe me, take it from these celebrity endorsements who got paid loads of money to be in these commercials:

Posted under amazing, sports, video

I love when football players get hit. That’s why I have a Bob Sanders jersey. I can’t stand watching athletes get injured, yet I love when they get jacked up. Go figure.

Watching the Colts beat Houston this past Sunday, especially when Sage Rosenfels begins to weep after he throws that last interception, reminded me of when Marlin Jackson gave him a helicopter ride earlier in the season. I feel I owe the Colts an homage of various football hits because of this.

Football to the groin

Football to the head

Helmet to the head:
(happens at :25)

Offense to the kicker
(happens at 1:10)

Kicker to the offense

Defense to the offense:

And finally, some great Colts-specific hits that we’ve all seen before but are worth revisiting as we approach the latter part of the NFL season:

Antoine Bethea vs. Falcons:

Bob Sanders vs Jaguars:

Darrel Reid vs. Chris Henry:
(best hit ever)

*BONUS*

Rare clip from 1970 of Tony Dungy tackling someone so hard that both of their shoes fly off:

Posted under music, video

So THAT’S the name of this song! I heard it on a Simpsons episode. I didn’t know the name of the episode, so I had to search for “the Simpsons where they spoof The Perfect Storm”. I found out the name of the episode is The Wife Aquatic. Then I searched Google for “simpsons: the wife aquatic music” and found a blog about the episode. I had to search the comments to find out that the name of the song is Aquarium and it’s from Carnival of the Animals written by French romantic composer Camille Saint-Saens. Finally I went to Last.fm and found the song so I could listen to it. And now I present to you an embedded video of precisely this song. It starts at around :30.

This brings me to a prediction I have about the future of the Internet and search technology. Mark my words: soon every song ever created will be indexed front-to-back, and we will be able to hum a few consecutive notes of either the melody or harmony of any song, and our computer will immediately return every song that contains that sequence. The more you hum, the better your search results will be. It doesn’t matter what key you hum in, whether your pitch is on, or even if you hum the right melody.

And this will happen within the next 10 years.

Oh and also if you are saying to yourself “that’s easy, they can do that in the next 2 years, what’s so hard about that?” then you are technologically ignorant.

*BONUS*

I found out that a song called Danse Macabre also came from Carnival of the Animals, which is another song that I have heard before but could never verify its provenance. Take a gander, I guarantee you’ve heard this at least once before. If you’ve seen Tombstone you have.

Jonathan, please bear with the rest of us non-musical people while we experience things you’ve known since you were 3.

Posted under amazing, gaming, music, rofl, video

Need I say more? Best video evar. You can view it embedded below, but there’s an even better version of it that I highly recommend here: Slo-Mo Face Punching.

Posted under music, top fivers, video

You know how the taste of something is like 50% based on smell, and communication is like 90% based on your body language? Well I submit that commercials are 100% based on the background music.

The genius ad agencies are the ones that grab your attention. It’s hard to grab peoples’ attention using visuals since most people look away during the commercials, plus the fact that we’re constantly barraged with visuals as we’re watching TV, so our eyes become used to constant stimulus.

It’s different with sound. Say you’re watching football, a sitcom, or a reality show. All you hear is constant cheering & play calling, laugh tracks & stupid jokes, and bitching and moaning, respectively. Then comes a commercial break. Time to go get another bowl of ice cream. But wait, where’s that strange, pleasing music coming from? It’s different than the mindless yakking about Taco Bell’s new spicy Volcano Taco, the liar shouting about the over-stock of Kia Sorento inventory, and the overly dramatic “preview voice guy” telling you how the next episode of Bones will blow your mind. You peer back at the TV in awe, and realize what’s playing is a commercial, but you’re enjoying it.

Has this ever happened to you? If it has, it was most likely one of the following top 5 best uses of music in a commercial (that I can remember):

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