A Bunch of Beratings At Once! A Gaggle Of Them!

Posted by The Gimcracker in Beratings, Movies on 01. Sep, 2009 | No Comments

Did you know a gaggle only refers to geese on the ground? In the air they’re referred to as a skein. I don’t know why I told you that. Maybe you should Twitter it you twidiot1. I don’t always have time to Berate a movie after I’ve seen it because I have a job and a wife and there’s beer to be drunk and I’m too busy retweeting about Conan episodes that make fun of Twitter. J/k, what is a retweet? Is it something? Because I think I’ve heard of it. So I’ve decided that I still want to have a record of my reaction to movies I’ve seen even if I don’t have the time to write a full Berating, and in doing so I have made up my second new word of this blog post: Briefratings2. And you’re about to get a gaggle of them and agree with everything I write as usual. (I’ll do whatever I have to do to get you to comment on TGM).

District 9 – Berated

Posted by The Gimcracker in Beratings, Movies on 31. Aug, 2009 | 2 Comments

District 9 is one of those rare gems where the cast is made up of entirely unknowns, directed by an unknown, and set in an unknown place (there’s a city in South Africa with buildings? is South Africa like a country or something? more ignorant questions). That’s why it’s such a good movie. It’s like Star Wars IV or Cloverfield or Napoleon Dynamite. I guess what I’m saying is it can only go down from here. So let’s all enjoy this movie while we still can. Everyone go out and see this movie and support directors that make special effects who are not Micheal Bay. Do it for the children.

Study: 8.7% of Tweets Have Pass-Along Value

Posted by The Gimcracker in Twitter Sucks on 17. Aug, 2009 | 3 Comments

Twitter is a black hole. It is a singularity event. And it has been scientifically proven. I realize the image I made doesn’t make sense because the Twitter bird should be the actual black hole, not being sucked into it. So? Why don’t you go tweet about it.

This study done by Pear Analytics shows that most Twitter Tweets are meaningless and have no pass-along value. In fact, 40.5% of Tweets are classified as “Pointless Babble”, which is what I hate most about Twitter. “I just woke up and it’s raining outside.” Well whoopty-freaking-do. Tweeting something like that means only one of two things (as has been discussed quite frequently at TGM beforelol): 1) you have no real friends to tell, or 2) your ego is so big that you think people actually care.

So how is Twitter a black hole? You’re about to find out.

Most People Like Terrible Movies

Posted by The Gimcracker in Movies, Seriously?! on 11. Aug, 2009 | 3 Comments

Seriously, moviegoers?! You liked Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen?

There are two explanations for the way I feel about the downward-sloping overall quality of movies over the past few years. 1) I am getting older and my taste has become more refined, or 2) greed has ruined the movie industry by encouraging quantity over quality. Seeing as how my favorite cuisine is Taco Bell, I own a Nick Lachey album, and prefer Miller Lite when it comes to beers, the first explanation has to be impossible.

So, it’s greed. Greedy movie studio executives (is that redundant?) are buying up film rights to old cartoon franchises faster than Grand Theft Auto fanboys were buying San Andreas before it was pulled from the shelves in 2005. However, placing the blame for terrible movies on film execs is like blaming GM for the decline of domestic automobiles. Film execs represent a corporation, which exists solely to make money. They will do whatever they can get away with to cause consumers (which in the case of GM includes the government) to spend money on their product. While it is because of filmmakers that films are terrible, it is not their fault. The blame should be placed on the American consumer. You. It is your fault.

Have I Mentioned Twitter Is Not My Fav?

Posted by The Gimcracker in Sports, Twitter Sucks on 09. Jul, 2009 | 1 Comment

Chad Johnson or Ocho-Cinco or Blond-Fauxhawk wants to Tweet during NFL games. Apparently he has run out of things to distract him from actually playing good football: changing his name, dogging his teammates, doing dances in the end-zone, sporting a blond mohawk, pouring popcorn into his mouth through his helmet on the sidelines (or was that T.O?), etc. I think he should focus on scoring more than 4 measly touchdowns this season. Chad Johnson my friend you have just been burned by the eternal flame of TGM.

Seriously, People Are Dying?!

Posted by The Gimcracker in Music, Reference Burst Theory, Seriously?! on 09. Jul, 2009 | No Comments

Isn’t it crazy how many people have died recently? I’m talking about famous people, who are worth at least 10 regular people. The recent events remind me of not one but two separate topics I have previously written about in this blog. The first is obviously Reference Burst Theory where celebrities die in threes, because within two days Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Micheal Jackson died (some would say there was a second wave with Billy Mays, Karl Maldon, and Steve McNair). But the second topic is what I would call your attention to now, and that’s the idea of people becoming proverbial saints upon death, which I touched on in my award-winning blog post entitled “Alive One Minute, Saint The Next” written in November 2007. Seriously, Everyone On Earth?! This Micheal Jackson stuff is getting ridiculous. That’s the end of this article so there’s no reason to click the title, sorry.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – BERATED!

Posted by The Gimcracker in Beratings, Movies on 26. Jun, 2009 | 11 Comments

Michael Bay is a 15 year old boy trapped in a man’s body (and in the ’90s). He gets older, his movies stay the same age. I don’t know why I keep seeing his movies. I guess it is because when I was 15 I saw The Rock and it rocked (sorry) my 15-year-old little brain that desired nothing but violence/sex/wreckage/fast cars and had no time for character development, real-life situations, or dialogue. At the risk of sounding pretentious, Revenge of the Fallen is for one of two groups: A) 15 year old boys (or anyone with the mental capacity of a 15 year old boy), and B) people who are willing to forgo their dignity to publicly oggle over Megan Fox and Isabel Lucas for 2 hours (actually this is just another way of describing group A).

If you refer to the image I have conveniently included above, you will see a snapshot of exactly what this movie is: Shia is intense and scared, Megan is slightly less intense and scared and her breasts are half exposed, and they are surrounded by wreckage and GM cars. If that is what you want out of life then GO SEE THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! Also when you’re done seeing Transformers rent the movie Idiocracy and tell me if you “get it” or not. You won’t.

People Are Beginning To Agree That Twitter Is Dumb

Posted by The Gimcracker in Television, Twitter Sucks on 11. Jun, 2009 | 1 Comment

I read an interesting article called Orphaned Tweets about the large number of people that sign up for Twitter, post one tweet, and never return. Well good golly I’m not the only one then. Two interesting statements from the article are “10 percent of Twitter users account for 90 percent of the tweets” and “60 percent of users do not return from one month to the next”. Both facts are alarming and here’s why.

Seriously, Multigrain Cheerios?!

Posted by The Gimcracker in Men Vs. Women, Seriously?!, Television on 02. Jun, 2009 | 7 Comments

Have you seen one of the worst commercials on television yet? It’s a married couple in a kitchen that looks like it’s from a mental institution (because it’s all white washed and because the people in it are mentally insane) talking about Multigrain Cheerios. As in the majority of commercials these days, the wife comes off as much smarter than her bumbling, stammering husband. It’s not the wife’s behavior that is the problem, it is the husband’s.

It is a husband’s responsibility to zing his wife back. If he doesn’t, the ensuing relationship is his own fault. However if my wife ever smiled at me as condescendingly as the woman in this commercial I would probably throw up all my lunches from the past 4 days straight into her little bowl of soggy oat rings. It literally makes me gag just watching it. It makes me GOL (that’s a real thing starting now).

Video Attempts To Explain Twitter; I Debunk Video

Posted by The Gimcracker in Twitter Sucks on 29. May, 2009 | 4 Comments

Twitter is dividing our world into two groups: leaders and followers. Or I mean laggards and early adopters. Wait, regular people and losers. There, that feels right. It has been three years since I asked the question “WTF is Twitter?” and to this day no one has been able to adequately answer this question. Well gosh bless the guy who did this video because at least he tried. Watch the video and then I’ll tell you why it makes me cry for our world.

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